My son is unhappy visiting his dad

[Onemoretime33]

he has been spending the weekends with his dad since we split up when he was 1, he is now 8 nearly 9. His dad also had him for some of the school holidays, bank holidays .

Around 4 years ago exh met someone new and moved in with her and her 3 children. Everything was fine except for the usual squabbles between the children up until 2 and a half years ago when exh new partner became pg. Since then things have changed, allthough he was still having ds at w/ends bank holidays and school holidays have all but stopped.

Exh and new partner are fighting alot, mainly over the children, I know that they are having problems with 2 of the children regarding behaviour. Ds comes back most weekends upset because of the fighting. They argue about the children infront of them, exp shouts about his dp children's behaviour, dp argues that exh thinks ds is perfect when he isn't.

It is causing trouble between the children as they are being compared against each other and I'm sure it's upsetting for all of them. Ds did go to his dads for a week during the summer holidays but he came back after 3 days due to an argument where dp shouted at ds about his "perfect" behaviour and his dad had to take him out for the day to get away.

Ds has started spending some weekends with my sills which exh has admitted is to get him away from the house. We've had problems in the past with exh hitting ds when he has been told he has to by dp, there have also been times he has taken ds out of the room and pretended to hit him allthough I've put a stop to this

It's now affecting ds health, he comes back on Sunday's complaining of stomach pains, which I think is anxiety due to the constant fighting. We have also had the problem that the older children arnt fed lunch and it's got to the point where he is afraid to ask for food. A few weeks ago he went down to his dads late and they'd allready eaten and as he didn't dare ask he had no dinner

He loves his dad and wants to see him but we can't keep going on like thus, any suggestions as to how access should be changed. I don't want to stop it all together as I dont think it would be in ds interest, sorry for long post

Poor child. I couldn't put my child through this
Suggest that he sees his son at a place that is not his house eg goes bowling then for pizza or watch a football game. That way it is just the two of
Th.em.

Your poor son
You have to intervene here I think.
Tell your ex that you don't want ds to stay there until things are calmer and ex should take ds out on his own.

Poor ds shouldn't be made to fe like this. Exs new partner sounds incredibly selfish and mean.

Feel like this I mean.
(new phone )

Id try the diplomatic approach with your ex first - cleary your son is becoming a trigger point in their arguments, and should not be subjected to that. Id mention to the ex that DS is coming home hungry and is too scared to ask for food...and that its his job, as a dad, to ensure that the child is fed and feels safe. Clearly this is not the case at the moment....

On the smacking, Id be quite clear that if either one of them hits your child ever again, you will call social services. Absolutely not on that she tells your ex to hit his son! ANd mean it.

I would suggest that he changes visitation to alternate weekends, plus a couple of nights in the week for an hour or so. Just until things at home calm down.

Well you have all the components of the step-family here:

Ex's P with 3 of her own children
Ex with 1 child of his own
And a Ex and his P with a child "together"

I think what you describe is probably fairly typical of many step parenting families, though maybe the arguments about whose children behave the worst etc are not always played out in front of the children. They may be of course and the child having contact may choose to say nothing to the parent with whom he/she lives.

Your exs P does sound rather OTT though, but then she is fighting the corner for her kids and your ex is fighting the corner for his child, and the result is uproar. Being a SM brings out the worst in some of us, and it certainly sounds like this is the case with your ex's P. Mind I think telling your ex to hit his son is way out of order, and does I think show that this step mother is really in a bad state.

The other thing that is important in this situation, is who is the dominant partner, and from what you describe, it is ex's P as why else would he have to pretend to his his son. Then he has to "get him out of the way" when things get too tough. If this is the case ex's P is not going to take kindly to father and son enjoying things together that do not involve her and leaving her with 4 kids to look after. I'm not saying this is reasonable, I'm trying to sort of "look inside her head."

Your ex is taking your son to his sister's (is that right) to get him away from the arguing and so things must have reached a critical point.

I think you have to get hold of your ex and tell him what you know about what is going on when your son has his contact visits. Presumably your son has told you all this and is not given to exaggeration? You need to be firm and tell him that this cannot in any circumstances be allowed to continue as your son is being emotionally abused (probably her kids are too but that is not your concern). It may be that he will be relieved because this would stop the hassle but there is still the question of contact. I think you need to tell your ex that xxxxx does still love him and wants to see him, and is there any way that this can be done without contact taking place at the house. Would you be willing for ex to have contact with xxxx at yours - mind I imagine this will drive ex'sP into a right royal rage. You must tell him that the matter is in his hands now. You are not denying contact, but you are no longer prepared for this to take place at the family home of the ex and his P.

That leaves the ball firmly in his court.

Thanks everyone, me and exh have a good relationship so do speak about everything that goes on so I know that ds isn't exaggerating, we all used to get on realy well. Exdp used to pick ds up from me on a Friday and I've had her children to stay at mine in the past.

It realy did seem to change when she had the new baby who is nearly 2 now and I wondered at first if she was suffering PND. I think now it's more a case of her not being happy in the relationship although this is no excuse, I do think all the children are suffering because of it.

I have two exsils, one has been having him from fri-sun once a month and the other has his for a weekend every couple of months. Exh has said this is so he's not in the situation at his house without actually telling ds he cant go down there. Ds is happy to spend time at his aunts.

Exh and his p fell out Saturday night and ds was sent to bed, the other children were at their gp. He said he couldn't sleep because of the noise and went down stairs crying. P told him to "shut up" and that he was "only crying as his dad was getting it in the neck"

P has told exh he needs to move out and he has told ds he will save up fir a house that will be just there's, p has said this before though so I'm not sure it will happen. Ds is adamant it will as his dad has promised and doesn't lie to him

I am talking to exh tomorrow

Yes, I was wondering about ex's P having PND but it also fits that she is generally very unhappy with the r/ship and this is causing her irrational behaviour. Nonetheless I still think she is out of order the way she is treating your son. What a shame it has come to this, after you all got on well. I suppose what isn't known is how your ex is treating her children.

I don't think it was very wise of your ex to tell your son about the new house which will be just theirs, because as you say it may not come to fruition and then your son will feel let down. Anyway it's a good thing you and your ex are able to talk rationally together and I'm sure you will sort out something that is best for your son.

I'd see if you can help your ex to have contact outside of his obviously very difficult family situation for the short term at least, if possible with his other DS too at least some of the time. Sounds like ex and his DP are going though a really rough patch/splitting up and the DCs are all taking the hit. Can you offer him your house to see DS in? (make the most of a few babysitting opportunities for him?), or sounds like the aunties are a really good resource - maybe he can see DS there.

It's a huge help if you can get on well. I've picked my DCs up late at night on one occasion, at ex's request because he was rowing badly with his (now) DW. He was really appreciative at the time and I'm sure that was good for everyone. I was very anxious about the reports of rows I was hearing from DCs, and made it clear to him that I was completely OK about doing this, rather than expose them to any more conflict than could be helped.

Just keep the communication flowing, so ex is aware of impact on DS if he's telling you things about what's going on -and make it clear you're willing to be flexible about contact for the coming weeks til he sorts things out.

Hi have name changed back now but just to update you, I spoke to exh who is undecided if he will leave, but who admits p treatment of ds and the way she speaks to him has to stop although I didn't get any clear answers as to how things would change.

Anyway I got a phone call from exmil this afternoon (haven't spoken to her in years) she had ds Saturday and was upset with some things that happened over the weekend. She lives across the road.

She has spoken to exh and told him that things can't stay the way they are and has asked me if between her and ds's sisters they can take over access and exh can see ds at theirs.

I spoke to ds about this and he agreed without hesitation and is realy excited, and relieved that he doesn't have to go to exh house anymore. Im so glad as I was planning on going to mils sometime this week and talking about it , so I'm relieved all his family are in agreement.

As it turns out I didn't know half of what is going on, exh and p are drinking heavily and p is physically abusive towards exh. I did have my suspicions about both of these things.