Need some advice...

[Sootica87]

Hi, I'm new to this so bear with me :) I have a 3yo DD with my DH and his 5yo DS comes to stay with us 1 night every fortnight. I have always supported my DH to see his son but I have to work on the weekends he comes round so DH has to take our DD to pick up and drop off his DS. Neither of us drive and have to rely on public transport.
DH's Ex wife has decided that she would like my DSS to go to football every Saturday (including the weekends he's meant to stay with us) this wasn't a problem in the beginning as she agreed to drive him to the train station so my DH could pick him up and come straight back to ours, and still spend time with us. However now she's saying she won't do that anymore, so he has to take our DD on a 4 mile walk to the sports centre, wait an hour while he plays football outside (during winter) then walk back to the train station.
His ex-wife is so manipulating she tells my DSS I can't be his step mum because "step" means the real mum has died. I used to have a great relationship with him but since me and my husband got married and she started telling him these things he won't come near me. She also tells him his daddy isn't my daughters daddy and he isn't allowed to hold my daughters hand or give her cuddles!
Am I wrong for not wanting DD dragged through winter conditions to stand and watch a football game she's not even allowed to join in with. I've tried talking to DH but he says he's stuck between what's best for both kids. He's always done exactly as his ex wants because she has threatened to move back home overseas and talk my DSS with her :(
Sorry bit of a rant but need some advice.

Your DH may insist he's stuck in the middle of what's best for each child - but that's not true: he's already made the decision to do what DSS and the ex want, even though it's to the detriment of your 3 yr old.

Sadly, so many men are terrified of losing contact with their 'first marriage' children, that they'll do the most ridiculous things to keep the child, and the ex, sweet. It's totally impractical to walk four miles to a football match, taking a 3 yr old along too. DSS needs to find a more local football club, or accept it's just not possible to play football when he's staying with you.

Hi, I think the thing about the football is not that big a problem on its own - my toddler has to go to all sorts of things he doesn't want to because my SS is doing something - after school activity, school run, whatever. Of course if it is ridiculously cold then maybe not right for her to go, but otherwise I think it is ok.

I think the manipulation from the ex and the things being said about your DD/her dad are much bigger problems really. This sounds very hard to deal with. I don't have much advice on this, I am guessing your DH won;t get anywhere by talking to his ex about this?

I missed the bit about 4 mile walk - that is probably a bit much! Could they get a taxi?

I think chelen is right - the biggest problem is the way the ex is trying to "poison" her son's mind against you and your daughter. She is in all probability very jealous of your set up and resents that fact that her ex now has another child. It's all part of the step parenting dilemma - goes with the territory. I think most first wives are going to be jealous of second wives, even though it doesn't always look like this and the only way they can hurt you is to try to turn your dss away from you and your daughter. The sad fact is that she can't see that the person she is hurting most is her own son. Sounds like a very emotionally immature woman. I can however see her side of things, and the only way she can "control" your family is by making these demands of your DH, really I suspect just to cause the ost inconvenience she can.

Incidentally 1 night per 2 weeks doesn't sound much. Is there a reason why contact is so sparadic. Was just wondering if you could have him on a day when he doesn't do football, or your DH could pick him up after football, but of course she won't agree to anything that is going to make life easier for you. Is there no-one you could leave your little girl with on the football mornings. I guess the ex knows that this means your child will have to be "put out" as it were and she might get some pleasure from that - all very sad, but it goes on and on. My SPing days are over thank god - all bio kids and SKs grown up, but I had many many miserable years when they were all young and my DP not wanting to "rock the boat" - caused lots of arguments.

Sorry can't be more optimistic.

Think your DH should point out to his ex that by trying to turn the child away from you and his step sister, she is causing him great harm, confusion and divided loyalties - unlikley she will take anynotice but might be wortha try.

Maybe he will just not have to football on the weekends he is with you. I dont suppose you were consulted about it so there's no reason why you have to go to great lengths to make it happen if it is causing huge problems logistically. He can go on the other weekends when he's at his mum's. Balance in all things....

I just wanted to say that I really do sympathise with your situation. I have been there myself and am still struggling even though DH's children are much older now. For as long as DH fears that he could have his child withheld from him he will continue to go along with anything his ex says. If he doesn't he will risk losing his child. Of course we will never know if this will actually happen and how much DH will have to bend over backwards to accommodate his ex. The second relationship will always be the one to suffer and of course the children. I had the same thing with my DH's ex turning his children against me and telling them not to like me. What does that achieve? I really don't understand it and it is very difficult.
Looking at it objectively I would say that as it is only one day a fortnight it's probably not worth fighting over. Could your DD stay with a friend or relative whilst DH goes to the football? Could they get a bus or train instead of the walk? Is she too old for a buggy?

Why is the xwife always the bad person in this scenario?

I've had my dc's in floods of tears due to telling them no end of times they can't do anything on a regular basis at the weekends (on dad's wknd he won't take them to activities I've arranged because 'they' or 'his present wife' think I'm trying to control their lives)!

Reality is, the dc's are growing up and naturally want to do their own activities or things with their friends, which usually happens on a wknd. It's actually having a huge impact on their social life - they don't get invited to things quite so often now which is very sad.

I agree she shouldn't be saying anything against the second wife - that is not healthy for the child either!

I wish everyone would stop blaming the other person in extended families - neither knows what reasons the other has for doing things, you just presume it's out of spite!

Whose children should come first?

The parent of the biological child will always want his/her child to come FIRST! Pretty cowardly to blame the ex for all the hassle though instead of being honest and saying what they really want/feel to the next partner! I know my xh does this and his wife laps it up, he wouldn't lie to her after all?!! I'm actually not as bad as the pair make out but it gives them justification why they are together and we aren't

I think some people forget that children from separated families are not the same as together families. Sometimes the children have to make sacrifices and one of those being seeing parents or seeing friends / playing sport, which is more important? In an ideal world they will do both but it's not always possible. If the ex wife really wants her son to do this them she needs to be prepared to take her son every weekend if no one else can. It's not feasible for his Dad to do it so maybe she needs to step up?

I think regular weekend activities are very difficult territory. My DSC don't do regular weekend activities as we live too far away, although they do the occasional one-off (birthday party etc) and DP makes a family day out of it (taking the other children shopping/to the cinema/park etc). However, after-school activities are easier to accommodate for us and their mum - it doesn't sound like your DH's ex would be interested in another option though.

talie - Why is the xwife always the bad person in this scenario?
To counter your argument - why should the ex husband always be the one to bow to the ex wife's demands and plans?

they can't do anything on a regular basis at the weekends (on dad's wknd he won't take them to activities I've arranged because 'they' or 'his present wife' think I'm trying to control their lives
Maybe I've read this wrong, but from your tone, it sounds like you expect everyone to fall in line with your plans and you didn't consult your ex before arranging activities. You may no longer be together with your ex, but parenting a child effectively still requires negotiation and compromise.

I think the OPs post and talie101's post demonstrate very clearly the dilemma for all involved in step parenting. There are always 2 sides to the story and I think it's easy to forget that when responding to the OPs on this thread.

talie says "why is the x wife always the bad person in this scenario" and
Plinkertyplonk says "why shoud the ex H always be the one to bow to the ex wife's demands and plans."

This is the nature of the beast in step parenting families - there are in many cases tensions and rivalries and a certain amount of "point scoring" and not just falling in with arrangements made by either of the 2 families involved. The truth is that both sets of adults are involved in the struggle to ensure that their bio children come first, and in a way this is only natural.

The whole thing is often like a battlefield, fraught with difficulties along the way..............that's how it was for me and thank god it is all now behind me. All bio kids and SKs flown the nest long ago, but I had many unhappy years with the struggle of trying to "blend" families.

It isn't natural - animals don't do it. I have a sense that there must be many many unhappy children inthe midst of these families who are trying to "blend" - I never felt any fondness for my SD and I didn't like myself for feeling this way about a child, and I tried not to let it show, but it caused me so much unhappiness and so many holidays ruined.

I just feel sorry for all concerned.

OP - would your DH be happy to discuss the situation with your DSS's football coaches? The coaches could help your DH find someone who could give lifts or something else useful. They may well prove to be understanding as I doubt your DSS is the only boy there who has separated parents.

I think it is OK to tell the football coach that this was something arranged by the exW, that your DH is happy/keen for his DS to participate but that it's a four mile walk each way. Are the coaches happy that a 5 yr old boy can fully participate with the activities when he's already had to walk 4 miles to get there?

I think the current arrangement is unfair on both your DSS and your DD - the time, the distance and the expected commitment in all weathers. It was unfair of the exW to change arrangements as she did.

Like others, I think your bigger problem is the overall behaviour of the exW - this is not on and very damaging to your family. Can your DH try and up your contact time with your DSS?

by arranging a weekend activity without discussing it with, or gaining agreement from the other parent, it's just setting the situation up for an issue and a drama. Why would a parent do that? The child thinks they are going to an activity they like every Saturday. Reality is that it's not feasible when they are spending every other weekend with the other parent.
So the child is upset and parents get cross/stressed with eachother. surely far more sensible to have activities during the week and allow weekend time to be more flexibly arranged. If the boot were on the other foot and the NRP arranged an activity for every weekend and expected the other parent to accommodate it at great inconvenience, I wonder what the response would be?

Ladydeedy ? that?s an excellent post, and you hit the nail on the head. For one parent to set up an ?every Saturday? activity, when the child spends alternate Saturday?s with the other parent, is asking for trouble. And in many cases, one parent will set up an activity which they know darn fine will cause problems for the ?other side? ? and of course if the ?other side? can?t deliver the child gets upset ? etc etc, you know how it goes.

DH has a daughter (he?s no longer in touch with her ? long story) but before they fell out, her mother encouraged her to take up weekend waitressing in their local pub. This was fine when she was spending the weekend with her mother, but on access weekends it was a different story: DH had to drive 20 miles to drop her off for her Saturday lunch time shift, and then he came back home (another 20 miles), Then when she finished, he?d drive 20 miles there, and 20 miles back to pick her up. So that?s 80 miles of driving for a 3 hour waitressing shift. And then his daughter started saying she might do a Saturday evening shift, which would have necessitated a further 80 miles of driving. Thankfully the evening shift never came to fruition.

But the ex must have been fully aware that the daughter?s weekend job wouldn?t be practical on access weekends, and she knew it would cause ructions at our house.. To be fair to the daughter, she just wanted a part time job (and I bet it?s hard to find alternate weekend waitressing jobs), DH didn?t want to rock the boat ? and it just got silly. DH and his daughter fell out shortly after (over something unrelated) but we were getting to the point where we couldn?t accommodate all her ?home village? activities when she was staying with us. It became geographically impossible. To be honest, we were practically ferrying her back home all the time on access weekends, just because she had things planned with her friends who lived nearby.

So I totally understand the principle that access weekends can?t always replicate home weekends ? when there are other children, other adults, long distances etc ? sometimes the two just don?t mix.

I don?t have any answers, I just realise how difficult it can be.

It's not just weekends that can be a problem. DH's ex arranged for dsd's to do ballet on a Thursday and Friday after school. She then changed the whole rota so that we have them on these days instead of her (they are with us half the time). This means that both of those days after school are taken up with an activity which she arranged but now has no part in and what is worse - she has now decided she can't afford it so we are footing the bill which is pretty expensive and we can't easily afford it either! DH is not even keen on the whole ballet thing anyway and wasn't from the start but the girls have been doing it for a few years now and enjoy it so it would be mean to stop it.

Sootica, is there anyone else who could mind your dd every other Saturday so that dss can play football without it impacting on her? Once a month? Dss could miss the occasional football match and dd could do the trip from time to time. Or could your dp pick dss up after football so that exW drops him off.

The exW sounds horrendous, but it's reasonable that a boy wants to play football at the weekend so it is worth looking at options that facilitate everyone'e needs as much as you can.

Thank you to everyone who has replied.
Firstly this isn't the first activity that has taken place on our weekends to have my DSS over, originally he was sent to gymnastics on a Saturday but after a couple of months his mum said she couldn't afford it so it stopped for a while.
It is very true that my DH will bend to his exW every whim because she has threatened to take him out of the country for good.
I don't mind my DSS going to football, I think its great for him to socialise, my problem is his mum had originally said she would bring him to the train station to meet us but as always she has changed the agreement.
My DH has tried to talk to the ex and given her a few other options, she has agreed to bring him to the station if the weather is too bad but I wish I could trust her.
Before my DH left her he asked would she prefer to have 2 separate happy homes or an unhappy home but mummy and daddy together and rowing all the time. Unfortunately she chose the latter option, luckily my DH didn't.
I know its wishful thinking but I would love to be able to talk to my DSS mum, I think for all our sakes it would make things happier and easier but she is in no way interested. We have my DSS again tonight and again he has told my DH I can't be his step mum because it would mean his real mum is dead! I'm not in any way trying to make her sound like the baddie in this story but the truth is she is making everything so difficult for us, she's so spiteful and tells my DSS things about his dad and me that just aren't true!
We used to have my DSS every weekend then it changed to 2 nights a fortnight and then 1 night a fortnight as it is now, we found out this is because. She know has her mum staying with her so doesn't need us as glorified babysitters while she works, we have spoken to a solicitor through all if this but they have just said that the mother has the rights to change whatever she wants as he lives with her.
I hadn't thought of asking the football coach but that would be an idea worth trying. Thank you for the suggestion :)
My mum and dad live just across the road from my DSS and his mum so DH would drop off our DD pick up his DS and then go back to pick up DD (mainly because they would have to wait in the cold as his exW wouldn't let our DD into the house or even in the garden while DSS put his shoes and coat on/finished whatever he was doing!) However this had to stop as she contacted her solicitors saying she didn't want her DS going to my parents anymore as they weren't family. As a result my parents, who consider him a grandson, never get the chance to see him.
Its a horrible situation and I'm sure it can't be easy for any of us but she still seems determined to make things difficult even if it means sacrificing her DS happiness.