"But mum doesn't make me do this"

[JingleAllTheSoddingWay]

Dss is 10 and absolutely lovely. I generally look forward to the weekends he comes here.

But there's just one problem and I don't know if I should just grin and bare it or try and change it.

Basically, Dss is the only child of his mums so she does everything for him (and I mean, everything) which is fine obviously. That's the way she likes to do things.

When he comes here though, he's not the only child, he's 1 of 3 and I just don't have time (nor want to) wait on them hand and foot.

I don't think I'm being unfair, I'm only asking him to do what I expect of my dc.

So I ask him to make his bed & open his curtains before he comes downstairs in the morning, I ask him 3/4/5 times then I get the huffy slow stomping walk back upstairs with him muttering "but mum doesn't make me do this" or I ask him to put his dinner plate straight into the dishwasher when he's finished and again "but my mum doesn't make me do this" and I get the same when asking him to put his dirty clothes IN the wash basket instead of on the floor NEXT to the wash basket, or pick his coat up off the floor and hang it on the hook.

Just things that my 2yr old can and does do (not very well admittedly but he knows the deal and he makes a good effort)

I don't know if i should just say to say to Dss "well that's fine at your mums but here we all help out by putting our own things away" or let it go and seeth quietly on the basis that he makes a bloody good cup of tea.

I think it's very difficult to let DSS "get away with it" if you have other children in the house. you have to be seen to treating them all the same. I think you just have to keep on and get his Dad to ensure there are consequences. ie. no fun times until the chores are done. I think it's OK to let somethings "go" in a house with some resident and some part time children, but what you are talking about is fairly basic stuff.

My own situation is that DSC NEVER draw their curtains or turn off lights and they are 15, 14, 12 and 8 years old, they leave their clothes and what seems like hundreds of wet towels on the floor too. DP either tells them off several times but wont' enforce any real consequence or just does it himself, which really makes me .

Just say that those are the rules of the house.

Kids are very adaptable and perfectly able to understand that there are two different sets of rules in 2 different houses. In fact they will have to cope with this concept in real life all the time. I would tell my stepkids "These are the rules in my house. I know that they may be different than the rules in your mother's house, but in my house you need to follow these rules." There was a little grumbling at first, but they adapted very very quickly. In addition, they soon realized that in addition to be firm about rules (ie. if you misbehave, these are the consequences), I was very very reliable about the good things I promised. If I said, tomorrow we'll have a special outing, I always always kept my word. It went a long way to creating a bond and a trust.
But do remember, that while your children are used to doing these chores or things in a certain way, your dss may need a little extra reminding at first.

Ditto what everyone else has said.

If I had a pound for every time my 3 DSCs said 'We don't have to do that at Mummy's', I'd be a millionaire.

Assuming they are your house rules and everyone is expected to abide by them, just keep reminding them that 'These are the rules in this house. Mummy may have different rules but this is how it works here'. Lots of moaning and harrumphing at first, but it stopped eventually.

I found they needed help initially - it didn't work just telling them to 'clean up their bedroom' or the like, as they hadn't ever had to do it. I had to help them - together we wrote a short list of what 'cleaning a room' means (turn off light, put dirty clothes in linen basket etc) and helped them the first couple of times. Also, at the start, I gave them flexibility on timing. So they would say 'I'll do it later' and I'd ask them when '11 o'clock or 12 o'clock?'. I was surprised it worked a treat - when 11am came along and I asked them what they had to remember to do at 11am, they just went off and cleaned their rooms. I nearly fell over!

Stick to your guns, get your DP to back you up (if you can) but expect a few complaints along the way.

Why are you having to tell him and not his Dad?

How about sitting down as a family and stating what your rules are and what your expectations are about behaviour etc.

I think you should just smile sweetly and say "Well, I'm not your Mum, am I ?"

At 10 he is old enough to start taking some responsibilty for his own things, and to do all the things you are asking him to do.

Maybe you and Dad should sit down with him to clarify that although Mum doesn't make him do things, it is the way he is expected to behave when he is with you.

ds1 is 10 and totally gets it that there are different rules at his dad and stepmum's house than we have at home - some of the rules there he likes better, some of the rules here he likes better. i have had to explain that fact repeatedly to him when i used to get a lot of "but at dad's house i'm allowed to XYZ" etc.

On a smaller point, I'd just like to say this is nothing to do with your DSS being an only child, but everything to do with the way his mother chooses to parent. My DSSs' mother is exactly the same, and she has 3 children.

It is terribly hard to have children in your home when your own way of parenting is at opposite ends of the spectrum to the resident parent's. I've been in this position for a number of years. It took literally years to get it into the childrens' head that actually, yes, they are expected to use a knife as well as a fork to eat in our house.

BUT they still, after 9 years, have to be reminded EACH AND EVERY MORNING THEY ARE HERE, to make their own beds. And DSS1 is nearly 16.

All I can advise is repitition, but it is very hard work.

Hi, had a bit of advice on this which was basically do not get drawn into any discussion about which way is 'better' just make some vague comment like 'every house has it's own rules' and then give a consequence if he actually refuses to do something. One that has been excellent with my SS is 'you'll have all this to think about when you're a parent, because there is no one set way to do things'.

I really don;t think you should 'let it go' - he needs to be treated like the others in your home.

It's a case pf "that's fine, but I'm not your mum and this is what I expect you to do!"
No discussion. No need for one.

My DSS is actively prevented from doing anything for himself (and I mean anything - he has only recently been allowed to brush his teeth by himself, and he is 9) so he can sometimes present as being very lazy/babyish. We've been focussing on the 'big boy' aspect of cleaning up after himself, giving him chores etc, seems to have worked, if that's any help?

balia that's one step further than even my DSSs' mother, which I thought was impossible! It's so odd that parents would behave in this way. Basically putting their own needs to be 'needed' ahead of the child's need to develop. Imo that's actually abuse.

FWIW I think the 'house rules' in this house is a good tack, kids can deal with that quite easily. But it's up to you how much it bothers you if it's not complied with, or how much you want to remind him...I think this is the case though for kids generally - not just step kids!
I had the washing in the basket issue - but the kids have it veery easy - they each have a basket in their bedrooms and I wash what goes in the basket (but I'm not that strict and will pick up off the floor too)

It's very difficult OP. On one occasion, I had the situation of 15yo DSS1 sitting at the table picking the 'green' bits out of his dinner (and nothing being said my DH) at the same time as 2yo DS being sent to the naughty step for not eating his dinner . Yet if I say anything, DH will construe that as another example of me 'getting at' DSS1.

Yep we get the same thing, I just point out that they are house rules (oh and pocket money is dependent on chores being done).

It is quite OK to have "house rules" about tidying up after oneself, not invading communal spaces with personal effects etc that are different to those at another house. Your rules sound as if they are well within the normal spectrum, so I think you need to talk to your DH about them, both agree that they are to be enforced by both of you for all children, and carry on!

I have this situation in reverse. Their Mum is strict as far as I can tell and their Dad is a pushover isn't, so they think they can do what they like when with me.
I often say "what would your Mum say if you behaved like this at home?" then they look sheepish and tell me she would have sent them to their rooms.

I think its good for them to learn to clear up after themselves - my stepkids went through a phase of dropping their sweet wrappers on the floor and I went mad. Its about respecting other people, which they all need to learn.

I wish my dp read this. Dsd is a very useless 11 year old. At her mums she has to do things like tidy her room and clean up after herself. When i first moved in with dp he still brushed her teeth for her and i even caught him wiping her bum once because aparantly she was too tired.
You definately need to keep at it. The last thing you want is to become a slave to a child! I wish dp and i had children together just so i could enforce some house rules!

I like the line you suggest in your OP. Nothing wrong with different rules at different houses as long as youre not making out his mum's way is wrong.

He'll push back because he'll want to avoid the work at all costs but don't give in, this is good practise for you for the teen years - take it from one who knows