Extended families and stepchildren

[Ohanythingwilldo]

I am ready to be flamed. Here goes...

My sister married last year and became a stepmum to a 5 year old boy. Most of the time he lives with his mother and he has a couple of weekends a month with my sister and his Dad. As they don't have him very often, we see him even less and I am wondering how we are supposed to handle this as extended family.

When my sister and her husband have their own child, are we expected to treat them equally even though we have a very limited relationship with the stepson?

I am not a grouch, I try to do my best at birthdays and Christmas but it does feel odd.

What do other people do? What lengths are the extended family supposed to go to. If I am completely honest, I don't really have any feelings towards him as I see him so rarely and he is not a blood relative.

It's ok I am prepared to have my head bitten off.

I would ask your sister what she'd like you to do. My family asked this year what they should do re my DP and his kids. I was very touched to be asked (as we don't live together yet) and happy to give it some thought and suggest what they should do (give a board game or chocolates for everyone to share was the decision, as there are 4 DCs, but I'm sure you sister would be able to tell you what she'd like).

Would wait and see how it pans out with any kids of her own. That in itself may change the way she and you relate to her DSS, or it may be years off and the age gap sufficient to mean you can treat them both quite differently without any issues.

I had a thread recently but don't know how to link it.. talking about my DSS and his birthday. It gives some insight into how I feel about the issues you're concerned about.
In a nutshell, take your sisters lead but I like my family to treat my DSS the same way I do.. As if he's mine, therefore a full part of my family. Distance and his Mum mean my family rarely see my DSS but it's really really important to me that he's treated equally as I do see him a lot and he is a huge part of my family life.

I have two SCs and those in my family who have met them give them b'day and xmas presents. Nothing big but thoughtful gifts. To be honest I think they do it for me and I am touched by it, I think it's kind and generous (so do the DSCs).
The gifts aren't expensive - it's the thought.
So absolutely - treat your sister's step son as if he were your nephew - why wouldn't you?

I don't think of it in terms of how much overall spend is etc. I'd rather my DD and my DSS both felt part of the family and only received a card each than be sat there adding up the monetary value of gifts to ensure equality.

My last post was in response to teenswhodhaveem

OP I agree with the others who say take your sister's lead.

It's clear that some SM on here would think it's nice, whereas others would find it odd. Horses for courses. Personally there is no way I'd expect my siblings to buy presents for my DSSs. They have met them twice and don't know them at all, whereas they see my DS on a very regular basis.

Also my DSSs have their own aunts and uncles, I find it a bit odd that they would also acquire 'step' aunts & uncles who they have no relationship with, just for the purpose of presents.

"treat your sister's step son as if he were your nephew - why wouldn't you?" - erm, because he's not?

Treat him the same as you would a niece/nephew who lived far away and who you didn't see often for this reason. Your husband's siblings' children aren't blood relatives of yours, but you would still have the same relationship with them, wouldn't you?

My stepmother's sisters always accepted me and my sister into their family and involved us in things when we were there, and it didn't matter that we didn't have the close relationship they had with our step-cousins, but I think if we'd been excluded or not bought for at Christmas etc (especially as we spent Christmas there one year!) it would have felt horrible. They don't buy for us now we are adults, and have never met my DS, but I understand that, it was when we were younger that it was important. It's not the child's fault that he was married rather than born into your family.

I personally think a token gift is enough. He will have his own aunties and uncles to buy him bigger gifts, but it's nice to acknowledge him. Plus if your sister has no children yet then he has nothing to compare his gift to.

I have a step son in his early teens and my DH and I have two little ones under 4. Like your situation, step son spends a couple of weekends a month with us and more in the holidays

My Mum and Dad have never tried to be grandparents to step son. They like him and get on with him when they see him, but see it as a different relationship. He already has two sets of grandparents.

If for instance he spent Christmas with us + my parents, they'd get him a present. If they didn't see him at Christmas, then they wouldn't. Same for birthdays etc.

I do think it makes a difference that he doesn't live with us most of the time, and that he was older when we got together. If for instance he'd been a baby when DH and I got together and he lived with us, I would be acting in more of a parenting role, and would expect my parents to act more like grandparents as a result.

Teens - you're talking about expensive gifts etc.. so monetary value is coming into it.
I do understand your point re your mothers overall spending but that's a very specific thing.
I was talking about the meaning of it and that by acknowledging my DSS my family are therefore acknowledging my role in his life. But maybe that's all about my insecurities.

Sorry teens, we cross posted.

My DP parents are very generous towards DS and treat him the same when it comes to presents. Neither DS or I expect it. My closest relative also treats all the kids the same although this now means that DS gets less because what he gives has to be shared 5 ways rather than 1. I think it is easier for DP parents to just add one on to the 6 grandchildren whereas my relative would have to increase things five fold.

I don't expect my friends and family to buy for DSC, after all they get presents from Mum's friends and extended family but we do try and spend the same sort of amount on all the kids ourselves. Invariably DS ends up with twice as much because his Dad's present(s) ends up living at our house whereas DSC have two "homes" and two sets of "things". Sometimes DSC seem to conveniently forget this. [hmm}

Teens, I'm sorry you're having problems with your eldest, I do hope it gets resolved. I definitely entered Step parenting with my eyes shut and completely sympathise with that.

I expect my sister/parents could have written something similar to the OP. They have only met DSS a handful of times despite him being part of my family for nearly 4 years. This is nothing to do with the effort they put in - the opportunities to meet up are just really limited - but I am sure that they don't feel the same bond with him as they do with my bio-kids whom they see far more regularly.

Bless them, they all get DSS just as good presents as they do for my bio-kids but I do fear that this is a bit because DH was very militant about treating all the children "the same" (which is not necessarily the same as "fair", imo) from day 1. I just hope my extended family don't feel put in an awkward situation.

My sister and parents buy present for my DSD although I think my sister has met her twice and my parents a handful of times on top of that.

I've never really thought about it from your side of things - as far as I was concerned as she was now part of my family she should be treated as such and my family have never expressed anything different.

My sisters, parents, aunt and cousins all buy presents for dsd at Christmas, birthdays and Easter. And she gets given money at other times as well for credit on her phone, stuff like that. None of them see her regularly, in fact nowadays most of them just see her at Christmas, so that's not a factor. They probably aren't quite to the same value as the ones they get dd, but that's not the point - the point is that they see her as part of our family and treat her as such. And they continue to do so even though I'm no longer with her Dad.

I would ask your sister what she thinks about it. But I would say that if he is not around when you exchange gifts then you don't really need to buy for him. If your sister had a baby, I think you should still only buy a gift if he is there when you give the gifts. My family do not buy for my SC's and I wouldn't expect them to, they very rarely see them and never over Christmas. I have found Christmas stressful because every year SD would call on Christmas day running off the list of presents she got from her mum who always goes OTT, and from various aunts and uncles. My DD would always come away feeling that she didn't have much compared to SD. I would feel that I would have to buy more than I would have done because SC's always got so much and then they would get presents from DP and myself, so they were getting 2 lots from their parents, whereas DD was just getting 1 lot from us because her dead-beat dad has never bought her a present. SC's aunts and uncles on their mum's side don't buy my DD a present.

My mum is coming on Christmas day and she doesn't have much money, so I wouldn't expect her to buy SD's a present, but as they won't be here when we exchange presents it won't matter. If they were here I would probably give her some chocolates to give to them.

ds1 has a step mum - he gets a birthday/xmas card from her parents and her sister, but not presents. i think it's nice of them to send the card, but don't think a present is necessary.

having said that, dh's family all get ds1 a present even though they probably only see him as often as the stepmum's family do.

ds1 is 10 and is basically just happy to be getting cards and presents so isn't going to complain about who has or has not bought him something.