I've upset my dp re: mil

[Twosugarsplease]

we have been living together 4 yrs. We now have our own little ds, my two ds, and my dp dd, it's hard enough merging together as a step family.
I am always trying to make sure my ds's 12 and 15 feel happy and I am strict on all dc being treat the same...one example a couple of christmass ago, my sil gave my dp a Xmas present at dinner, he opened it unto find a lovely portrait photo (as my sil a photographer ) of my dsd and our little ds, I felt upset and quite angry that she didn't even think to have my ds 's on. My ds (her step nephew) didn't receive a birthday card last year because she lost it. Yet is over our house on my dsd birthday making a fuss etc, anyway I seem to live with that and not rock the boat, as I've been told by dp I can be a bit pathetic.
Today she text my dp while we were in tesco getting last bits for my ds whose birthday has come round again and will be13 tomorrow, to say could my dp pop over to get my ds card and added that my eldest ds whose birthday was 6 weeks ago didn't ring my mil and she is upset about that and to make sure my ds does so tomorrow. I have to say I was angry as my mam does with all our children, rings them up as we live away (I moved here to be with my dp) to wish them a happy birthday, my mil only rings my dsd, and I have lived with that aswell. So I thought it's about time I gave my opinion on this and I pointed out the above to my dp, and that it slipped my mind to remind my ds to ring and thank my mil as she doesn't ring them, reminding him my mam rings my dsd and treats them all the same, so on my part lays the blame I suppose, I did say though that 'I didn't think my mil was like that ' to my dp, who defended his dm and asked what I meant 'like that' what I meant was a bit petty and that I would rather she rang me and asked for a thank you from my ds, or even better rang him to wish him a happy birthday like my mam does ! And that is when they say their thankyous, as they have always done.
So now my dp is at work and as usual I feel shit, should I though.
If the majority of you think I'm being a knob as my dp has just said, then I will look at this differently and apolagise for me being defensive, just don't like to think all these weeks gone by and my ds being a disgrace between my mil and sil, I hate this bloody stress, or do I cause it ? Please anyone ?

Lighten up a bit. They are not related to her, and much as you feel she should act as though they are there isn't any reason for her to. I personally would, but that's my choice. She's made hers. As for the photo - why would'nt your father in law want a pic with only his grandchildren on?

Sorry, that's come across as harsh, didn't mean it to be so abrupt, but still think you're in the wrong, so to speak.

I genuinely can't read the OP.

sorry

Its really not that difficult OnlyWantsOne - you start with the word in the top left, read each line in turn from left to right and keep going until you reach the bottom. HTH.

Anyway OP - I can understand why you feel the way you do as you want all of the children to be treated the same, but you can't get angry with people becasue they don't behave the way you want them to do. All you can do is make sure that you carry on doing what you know is right.

Problems with the MIL aren't uncommon, even if all of the children are hers (she said with bitter experience) but since you can't change her behaviour your only option is to change yours. Be happy that she got your DS a present, accept that she's not going to call you like your mum does and always rememebr to get your children to call her to say thanks. 4 years isn't long in the grand scheme of things - with time, maybe she will call them.

With regard to the photo - if they want a picture of those two children then I don't see the problem. Why not arrange for a family portrait with all of you and give them that as well so they can have both.

Thank you barf, so very much. You are absolutely right.
I have given myself a bit of a shake, and I myself feel very petty, it's just tough sometimes, my family are 70 miles away so feel a bit on my own sometimes, I just feel, and I am I suppose the only one who truly love my ds's, like I say their granny, aunts etc live back in my hometown, and I feel very protective of their feelings.
My mil is a lovely lady, and I can't fault her at all really, I feel bad for telling my dp she was petty for leaving it this long and to tell my sister in law, not me that she didn't get a thank you from my ds on his birthday 6 weeks ago, I should have made sure he did ring, but as the day was a bit hectic I did forget to remind him, so I hold my hands up.
It just got me annoyed though, I would hate to think my mil and sil were bad mouthing my ds and me.
The photo was given to my dp a couple of christmas's ago, of his daughter and our ds. My point there was as the picture was for our house, I thought it was a little thoughtless as my sons were not on it.
Think I just have to accept these little things will niggle me from time to time, but could handle it better. Thanks again for your support on this.

Sorry you couldn't read it onlywantsone, I was trying my best to type it quickly, feeling a bit stressed with the situation yesterday and my little ds running round. I assume everyone is familiar with the abbreviations.

Lisaro, your right, I've had time to think, and cool down. Thank you.

my mum had this with my sd mum always bought our brother her actual grandchild really expensive pressies, got really shitty if we forgot/didnt phone and say thank you for what we did get though she would always phone or come and see him on his birthday.
i got a cheques a few christmas's (after punishment nothing for 3 because i forgot) ago for 25 pounds i think and my mum said dont forget to phone and say thanks and i promptly tore it up as if i dont phone them i dont hear from them ever except this cheque possibly at christmas and a card at birthday all reluctantly.
its not nice as a child to know a differentiation has been made and for an adult to make the decision to do that is pretty shit but, like others have said their is bugger all you can do about it. i would suggest you do what i did. get some cards so you dont have to speak to her get ds to sign it saying thanks and bung in post.
dh wont want to see that his mum/sil are being bitches but if you keep pointing these things out over times he will have to see and hopefully stand up for you.
or it may cause a lot of friction and you will have to decide if its worth it but this kind of dig can lead to resentment if you let it.
others have said its not a big deal and i can see why they would feel that but i can see why the situations and probably others have left you and your ds feeling left side lined.

Thanks Sam, yeah I suppose I do feel a bit on the sideline sometimes.
I think from now on I have to accept that step family life can be that bit tougher.
I cant expect them to behave to MY expectations, I am grateful to how they accept me as it is, I am step mum to my 10 yo dsd, their grandchild, who lived with her her dad, my dp when I met him, it can be emotionally very tough at times, but don't confide in them, she calls me mum and as we live together do everything a mum does, sometimes very emotionally draining putting up with the tears and tantrums she wouldn't ever do in front of my dp, so I'm feeling a bit vulnerable as it is, it can be tough, so something like this does get to me, but also guilty of over reacting maybe.
I didn't ask my eldest ds to say thank you as it was 6 weeks since his birthday, and I accept I forgot to urge him to do so at the time, but I did doubly make sure my 2nd elder ds made a call on his birthday last week.
I just got so annoyed as I'm also a sil and my sister and my mum can often chat, slate my brothers wife who is lovely IMO, I would hate to think that my mil and my sil were having a discussion about me and how ungrateful my ds is, makes me feel very defensive,again I could be over reacting, but I know what mums and daughters are like !! ;)