Don't want to be around DSD & her badly behaved son.

[warriorwoman]

Hi
I've been with DH for 12 years, married most of that time. He had 2 kids, I had 1 when we met. We have not had any of our own. His 2 are now 16 & 22 and oldest has a son age 4. It has been a difficult 12 years and we have been on the brink of splitting up many times, mainly because of DH's inconsistency in disciplining my DD and his children. He is much stricter with my DD and can't say no to his. He has been consumed with guilt over the years, for not living with them and his oldest has played on this. She comes down hard on him if he tries to be a parent and he skirts around her and is not honest about things. She has resented me for the last several years and blames me when she doesn't get her own way with her dad which is very rare.
I thought things would get easier when they were older but they haven't. Now she has a son, it is all happening again! They come over and she doesn't play with him or discipline him at all. He bangs doors, screams, is rude, and she just laughs or ignores him. DH doesn't say anything, probably too scared that she won't bring his grand-son over any more. DSD doesn't listen when anyone else is talking, interrupts all the time and just lounges around doing nothing when she is here.
I am now sick of his bad behaviour. DH is doing to his grand-son what he did with his children, eg. 'I am not taking you to the park until you tidy up your things', then taking him despite him not doing what he asked. I know all children can behave like this, my daughter did, but then I disciplined her. I have told my DH that I don't want to be around when they come over now. I've had enough of putting up with things, it's bringing up lots of negative feelings for me.
Am I being unfair? I am even dreading Christmas now, because I have my mum coming over for the first time in years and I don't want it spoilt by a badly behaved child. I really did think things would get easier...

Just thought I would bump this up for you as you haven't had any replies.

My ex husbands kids now have kids and I when they come and visit me, I must admit I do feel glad that I don't "have" to have them and can pick and choose when I and DS see them.

Obviously if we were still together, it would be a bit different and then I think about DP and his disney parenting and what his kids are going to be like as parents and I feel a real sense of dread at the thought.

I also have a friend who is a granny and a step granny and she tells me that there is conflict and resentment between her and her husband over the grandkids and it is just the same as years ago with the kids.

Hope someone can give you some advice.

Don't really have experience of this - no grandchildren yet.

It seems to me its the daughter who is the problem. She needs to shape up but don't imagine she will unless forced.

Will she want to visit her father if you are not there. I would imagine it is pretty disorganised with just her father around. What will happen when son starts school with his awful behaviour? Maybe that will cause an improvement.

You need to give things serious thought - can you live on your own? can you afford to live on your own? Can you live nearby so you don't have to deal with unpleasant daughter?

Things might change in the future so maybe you should hang on meantime - his daughter might meet a partner who helps the son, his other grown up child might have lovely children. You can always move out in the future.

I would feel life's too short to suffer years of stress due to DH's children.

Thank you both for your replies. I spoke to DH and told him I wouldn't be around when they come over. He agreed that his behaviour is getting out of hand and has said he will be more firm when they come over. I told my Mum about it and that they might be here for Christmas, she said she would just tell him if he's naughty, which she would do. That should be fun! I actually think it will be a good thing. I am going to try and detach from it all so I don't get so stressed about it. Thank you again.

I wonder if your SD not sure about the D! - is just letting her son rum amok to annoy you. I really really don't think you should go through this all over again - you have had enough unhappiness as many of us SMs have over the years. Do you not feel that you can sugest to your SD that her child is getting out of control, or stop him doing whatever it is yourself. Sounds like your SD thinks that her dad will step in and take her part. BUT it also sounds like your DH can see for himself what is happening. I would wait to see if he is more firm, and if not, then go out or if that isn't convenient for you, go and read on your bed/watch TV or whatever. You shouldn't have to be forced out of your own house by this SD.

Do they live near enough to be "popping" in or are visits arranged. Good for your mum to be able to speak her mind even if SD doesn't like it - I would warn DH beforehand that your mum will step in if the child is too naughty (it's not good for him anyway) and make sure he is "on board" with this and will not fly to SD's defence. It may take her time to realise that her dad will not always take her part (it took my DP 40 years to finally see through the fact that his daughter has only ever wanted him for money) and she is still struggling to believe that he has finally had enough. I won't go into detail or I would be here all night!

You should definitely not have to go through all this a second time - no way.

Thank you for your reply. I thought SD meant step-daughter? Am new on here, so not sure if that's right!
I think that what I am angry about is that I feel unable to say something myself in my own house. That's down to me really and something I aim to get over! I've told DH that he needs to tell her that if she doesn't discipline him, we will. Actually, you're right, I don't have to go out, I can stay upstairs and read a book or watch TV. If she thinks I am being rude, tough, I really don't care anymore.

Good for you warriorwoman - SD does mean step-daughter, but for some odd reason on MN (which I actually find irritating) children are referred to as DCs - partners/husbands DPs or DHs, so I thought DSD (dear step-daughter) was not really appropriate in your sitation!

I know what you mean about feeling "unable" to say anything in your own house and it is down to you of course, and glad you are going to try to change. It won't be easy if you are having to change the habits of many years, but change is possible. Even by doing a "disappearing act" you will be making a change and your SD will probably be quite unprepared for this and won't know how to react - great! You could try "ah I've had enough of this, I'm off for some peace" as you leave the room. You must try very hard to keep to your resolve not to go round this bloody merry-go-round a second time. Once in a lifetime is bad enough.

OH GOD!
That is depressing, will we really have to go through all this again when the stepchildren have kids??

Nananina that is a great idea to say what you suggested, I must write that down! I really have been too 'nice' for too long. Sorry to depress you Kaluki. I actually never even thought about what it would be like when they had children. I just thought things would get soooo much easier when they got to adulthood. Unfortunately not!

Good luck WW - let us know how you get on. Hope you have a nice soft fluffy blanket on your bed to cuddle under and read, watch TV or just enjoy the peace!

Kaluki - no one can see into the future and I wouldn't worry about phase 2 - you will be older and wiser and can make decisions so that you are not put in an uncomfortable position. Actually I loved my SDs 2 children, even though she still drove me mad. We used to go and fetch the kids at school holiday times about 4 times a year and that way we didn't have to have much to do with SD - they lived 150 miles away so there was no "popping in" - those children are now grown up and we still have a really good r/ship with them, though nothing has changed with the SD. The grown up step-grkids are now grown too and we still have a good relationship wth them both. Nothing has changed with the SD though and my DP has also had enough of her. Lots of bailing out financially etc etc - would take too long to go into detail.