Just when we thought we were making progress...christmas gloom

[balia]

DH is supposed to get some (limited) extra holiday contact with DSS as per court order. This has to be negotiated every holiday and Christmas particularly is a pain. When the original contact order was made, DH agreed to having contact on the day after boxing day, because DSS's mum is a bit obsessive about 'significant' dates (eg Xmas, Easter etc) and there are MH issues. We are supposed to have DSS for an extra couple of days during the holiday. (The psych report recommended that we didn't push for more holiday contact for 12 months - we are now 5 years down the line)

It is tricky, in fairness, as DH's holiday dates from work don't exactly match DSS's, but we asked if the extra holiday time could be added to the usual Christmas contact (so we would have 27th - 31st) Thus avoiding New Year's Day (HUGE obsessive day for ex) but could take DSS down to DH's Mum's for her annual family get-together, so he could see family he hasn't seen for two years, big party etc.

Ex has point-blank refused. She wants us to have DSS a day before Xmas 'so she can do her Xmas shopping' and on the 30th (when we are down at DH's mum's). This is because, she says, they have an annual Christmas celebration for her BIL's birthday (first time in 8 years we have heard of this) when all the adults head into town in the afternoon and stay out into the evening, and all the kids are babysat by grandma.

DSS is gutted. It seemed like we were making progress and now we are back at square one, not even managing the contact in the 5 year old court order.

(And breathe.)

Are the MH issues significant enough to justify her being so difficult?

Gosh. Very difficult and I dont envy you. Is she trying to withhold the extra days in principle, or does she simply not want to agree to the dates that are most suitable to you?
If the latter, is it possible to say, we dont mind which days but let us know by [date] which ones suit you?
We have had to use reverse psychology A LOT with my DH's ex as she would deliberately be difficult on dates if she knew they were important to us. So we ended up saying we are doing X, we dont mind if kids come or not. Or we are doing X and kids cant come with us. Then she started telling us in advance when she WANTED us to have them (rather than waiting for us to ask and then having the pleasure of denying the request) so that she could guarantee some time off to herself.

I hope you find a way to work it out. Everyone says court order is not really enforceable in reality but I wonder if you can convince her by other means.

It is difficult to judge, Petal02. The psych report that was done for court was clear that the MH issues weren't as bad as she made out and were being used as a weapon against DH. Having said that, though, she does struggle with a number of ritual/obsessive behaviours which I'm sure are very real to her.

But basically, she doesn't want to have DSS with us at any point over Christmas unless it is for free babysitting. She's also really anti DH's family (who are lovely, lovely down to earth people) although I'm not clear why. I think she has deliberately picked dates we can't do to avoid having contact over Christmas.

DH is keen to avoid court (he already had to go through an awful, protracted court process to get the contact we have now) and is being very philosophical about it. He's right, there is nothing we can do about it. It is hard, though, his Mum and Dad are going to be really disappointed. DSS's mum says it is there own fault, they should have their party on a date we have DSS - but they have 4 other children with families to organise.