i dont want to end up a resentful stepmum

[sam97]

My partner of nearly 3 years is 15 years older than me with a 5 year old daughter who he coparents. I love them both dearly. We don?t live together as yet. I have my own home which is large enough for them to live in also ? but I feel uncomfortable with the idea of them living with me at present. He currently rents a property which is now two small for the pair of them and I ideally what I would like is for him to rent a bigger place for him and his daughter and for me to try out living with them both. At present I never stay over as there is only one bedroom and it makes me feel uncomfortable to stay there. And am apprehensive about them moving in with me as am anxious that if it didn?t work out I would rather move out than disrupt the home life of his daughter again. We have never been on holiday as a couple together which really concerns me..he is self employed so is conscious of money quite a lot and when he does take time off he wants to go on holiday with his daughter to go visit his mum who lives abroad ? which I totally understand. I did go with them once but found the experience incredibly stressful ? his daughter likes to have things her way which he panders to quite a lot sometimes and I ended up feeling rather cross and then felt incredibly selfish that I was feeling that way. I work really long hours and commute for 4 hours a day..so my time off is precious and I felt like I really needed some time out and ended up running ragged after a child who wanted to share the bed with her dad at night. Fair enough ? but still felt a bit out of my depth. He is a lovely man who I love dearly but I end up feeling cross and resentful a lot of the time. I feel for him as not only is he trying to please me, his daughter but also his ex who has quite a hold over him and is always threatening to move to other parts of the country and taking the child with her. When we first got together he said he wanted to have more children, which was important to me as I wanted to have that option then a year later he changed his mind as he said he felt too old but this year has changed his mind again and says he is keen to try for another child with me. However I feel so anxious all the time, the fact we have never lived together, never actually spent real time together, he also works Saturdays so we only really have Sunday together but then every other Sunday he has his daughter all day and every Sunday evening he has her. When we are together we always have a lovely time whether its just with him or him and his daughter. I am now 36 and he is 51..and I feel that I spend all my time thinking about this situation and whether its right for me. I wonder if I were in the right situation I would have had a child by now. I just feel anxious all the time and have the feeling that we are at different stages and I don?t know how we can fix that. I am aware my body clock is ticking and that I am investing all my free time with a man and a child who I love but also reminds me that I don?t have my own..and I wonder if im just being silly as how would we even manage financially - I certainly wouldn?t want to be commuting 4 hours a day if I were pregnant(assuming I could even get pregnant). Will I end up resentful if im a stepmum and not a mum? I wonder if I?m expecting too much or whether I should let them go as im not appreciating them enough or am I over thinking/analyzing? Am dreadfully confused.

Hi Sam, couldn't pass you by, I have a dsd 10 yo. I moved out of my home 4 years ago, with my 2 ds's and we now have a little ds together. My dsd lives with us, and perhaps my dp would say the same of my dc, it's not a walk in the park, your relationship has to be strong, you have to be committed and get into thinking you already have a child in your dsd, and having one of your own is like dc no 2. I often feel anxious afraid of crossing the line, and sometimes so emotionally drained, reduced to tears. On a lighter note we all gel as a family really well, just be very sure you want to take this on, you might find moving in with him is easier than you thought, why not have them over your house for a little while, let your future dsd come to you and your dp at your house, do the mummy thing and see how you get on, give it sometime though and if you can cope with the ups and downs you will be just fine. Good luck x

Hello twosugars - thanks for your kind message. Feel exhausted but will try and see things in a different light to see if we can make a go of it. Does your partners ex play a part in your lives? Im sort of treated like i dont exist. I presume that if we lived together this would change..its all bit of a roller coaster really and at this moment in time i envy how simple my life was before i met and fell for my partner...oh well..its an adventure

Hi Sam - I think you have outlined in your OP all the problems that step-parenting presents. I realise that this wasn't your intention but nonetheless these are all the problems you will face, and you are quite right to be giving them a lot of thought.

There is another thread (very close to this one) can't remember the exact name but will go back and look at it and post back to you. who is in more or less the same position as you and she has had some interesting posts.

Frankly I regret the unhappy years when I was a SM and the rows it caused and the fact that I couldn't love my SD - didn't even like her very much and didn't like myself for feeling like this, but that I think is the essence of step parenting.

Look before you leap Sam............(which you clearly are and don't feel under pressure to make a decision before you are ready, because of your DPs living situation. Once they have moved in with you, it is too late and I would like to bet that the things you find irksome now, will continue.......and may grow. Sorry I can't be more helpful.

Hi Sam - you've probably seen it - it's right under yours "Apprehension at being a step mum"

Hi Sam, so sorry I didnt reply last night, I couldn't get on line.
Ditto, I often think back too !!! But I am here now and can't let my emotions ruin it for us. A lot of the time I have to keep my feelings to myself as I couldn't possibly let them out, through fear of hurting my dp, he has given me full reign re discipline etc, but still very hard when all you want to do is scream. Ex sees dsd every other weekend, she asks my or dp if it is ok that weekend and so on, doesn't have any in put re school, doesn't contribute financially either, we let her go, it's her mum and that's the only reason why. Things will and have to change really, it will be your home too, and you should be included in decisions that affect you, you kind of have two choices, detach and settle for dp just having the responsibility, which if anything in particular upsets you, can be tricky to not get involved, or speak your mind, and accept this child is yours too and along with that comes you having a say, having to correct, discipline, your sc, your sc knowing their limits with you, and in return, your attention, your playful happy side, hopefully you will in return get a sc that respects you. Really wish you luck, pm me let me know how you get on.xx

thanks for all responses so far..

i feel that perhaps i am concentrating on all the negative factors?..:

unfortuntely i get so wound up by his ex - i try to detach..but find that really hard..feel she does hold a lot of the cards and he still jumps to assist her and keep her happy..but by reading others posts - this seems quite normal behaviour?

i worry that i might not be able to have children..and am aware that i could become resentful at bringing up someone elses child and not my own....
DP has already said that he wouldnt be keen to do IVF if i couldnt get pregnant..(i know im jumping the gun - but thought id bring it up with him!)

it was his daughters birthday quite recently and he has a party for her and a group of her friends at her mums house..i couldnt make it as had family committment and he got quite upset that i couldnt make it ..and when i saw him later that evening he was a little tipsy (understandable - he had to entertain 15 kids - i think i too would have turned to alcohol after to help me!)..but he laid bit of a guilt trip on me that i wasnt there and that he feels like i have to many apprehensions about everything and that i should just be embracing the relationship and all that it involves..which i sometimes think perhaps i should but isnt it normal to be a little apprehensive as its not about just me and him..

and am forgetting that there could be some positives that come from being a stepmum..is that true?!

am i being bit of a selfish minny?

Hi Sam. I think you are going into this with your eyes wide open - which is good. You are identifying all the issues that can be genuine problems with step parenting and that's realistic, not selfish. You have to be unusually self-less at times with step parenting and it's good to keep sight of what you want too.
I am a step parent and have been for nearly 10 years now. It's not easy and you often feel conflicted. All of what you have said chimes with me.
I was a similar age to you when I had DD and in my experience having a child with DP has brought us all closer as a family and made me closer and kinder to my DSC too. But I think had I not had a child of my own, I would have been increasingly resentful of the other kids.
One fear I had was that with our relationship and family it would be 'new' and 'first time' for me and not him, so that experience would not be shared - this has turned out to be true and I have felt a bit disappointed at times, but overall I would say that the last 10 years have been happy and fulfilling. I wouldn't give up what I have now, but I do sometimes wonder how life would have been different if I hadn't continued in this relationship.
Can you see yourself in ten years time with this man?

Sam - I think if you feel like this now, it's only going to get worse.

He's letting his ex run the show and maintain control over him. He's bringing his daughter up in a way you don't agree with (his choice of course, but you would have to live with that), he's expecting you to be fully understanding of his situation whilst telling you that you aren't falling into line?? Does he not understand you also have a life & family outside of him & his daugher? He wants this entirely on his terms without considering your part in it.

It sounds to me like he agreed to have a baby with you, to keep you and not because he really wants one :(

I personally think you would be much better off out of this. You have a few more years yet to meet someone and have a family together.

i know that i think about this all the time and im going quite pottu...and if im really really honest - i dont look forward to the future - as i think i will have to compromise a lot on how i want to live my life. For a start we will always have to live wherever his ex wants to live - he has already moved once for her so that he could continue access. And now she is talking about wanting to move to another part of the country as she has a new boyfriend. I feel a failure as deep down i dont feel strong enough to take this all on board. i always imagined that i would start a family with a man who i had had lots of quality time with and who i felt i was number one..but i feel he has so much to juggle that i back off with making any demands for us and our relationship. We have only ever been away once for a weekend in 3 years. He says that if we lived together things would be different as we would have more money as at the moment we are running two houses..which is true, however i know that moving in together when im not sure whether i can commit could make the pain worse. I try to talk to him about how i feel - but he always gets very defensive and upset. i dont think ive ever felt so rubbish really, as overall he is a really decent man who is trying to please 3 females, and he is very loving and loyal and i trust him. So why am i being so non committal?

Firstly, you are a smart woman as you have outlined all of the issues that you will face being a stepmum. Most of us went into step parenting without your level of awareness. I genuinely thought that it would get easier but it hasn't. Time doesn't make the issues go away - if anything your tolerance and frustration grows.

DH was a disney parent (at the outset) and this continued for many years.Eventually he agreed to counselling to get over his inability to properly parent (guilt, fear of rejection from DSS). It has worked and DH is now a much better parent but getting through it was extremely tough and costly.

We also had the ex issue - I naively assumed that if we were good people (I wasn't cause of breakup, ex had affair) then in time the ex would settle down..Wrong..no matter what DH "gave" it was always an issue. The saying "you teach people how to treat you" is very true. We eventually had to go to court to establish boundaries and contact - which again has worked but has been painful, stressful and costly.
We have had a child and that experience is challenged by being in a blended family. Finances are tougher - the demands from DSS grow and we end up spending considerably more on DSS then we do on our other children.When money is tight that can be very hard to deal with as I feel our DCs should have equal treatment but there is no way that we can spend 15% on each child like we do with DSS.

Being a parent is rewarding however being a step parent is about giving for very little reward. You do have to accept that you give for little or no return. To survive as a couple you and your DP need superior communication skills, you have to agree on the major issues, such as parenting styles, finances and how to create boundaries with the ex. If you don't agree it will always be a source of major frustration and you will will end up feeling resentful. DH & I have to work at being a strong couple, it isn't easy and if I'm honest it's not a life that I would recommend to friends.

Your instincts are telling you to hold off committing to this man. I think you need to listen to those instincts. 3 years is time to have made progress, if he hasn't made you feel more secure, in that time, about the future then I think nothing will change.