What do you do when ExW won't talk about DSD?

[BaronessOrczy]

Been lying awake for an hour worrying about what to do and whether DP is going to end up in another battle with his ExW. (DSD is nearly 8, they've been divorced very acrimoniously for 7 years, divorce nothing to do with me, we met three years ago, he's always paid cm and access is limited by the fct DSD won't stay over - we live 400 miles away so see her every 3 weeks, write and skype etc)

He has been trying to talk to her for 3 weeks about a few areas of concern about DSD. Some relate to school but a couple are personal to do with DSD iyswim. Granted, there's nothin 'dire' but they are areas he has concerns about as he can see them becoming big issues in the future if they are not addressed.

She won't talk. She's put the phone down on him, told him where to go on text, and has sent an extraordinary email in which she tells him to email about it so she can deal with it when she has time.

DP is furious about this (it comes on top of some other stuff to do with ExW, hes not normally furious about anything but tries to be as accommodating as possible) and is talking of contacting a mediator, his solicitor, father have rights etc, I'm trying to calm him down as I can't see this ending well.

Any ideas? I really don't want to go into battle again - she just makes it so very hard, and unpleasant, has not moved on at all in 7 years - if she put one tenth of the energy she puts into being bitter and twisted into actually being rational it would be better all round. I can just see this escalating and becoming even more unpleasant for all concerned.

Any advice welcome.

Maybe she sees your dh as an interfering control freak who Isnt actually any practical help. That's how I see my exh! In all seriousness what is wrong with discussions via email? I think she is spot on there. Dd won't hear any arguments and there is a record of the conversation.

I think your dp has limited options as you (or the law) can't force a parent to be co-operative about parenting. The mum probably believes that as she has day to day interaction with your DSD then she has the right of veto any comments.

All your dp can do is raise his concerns in a positive and constructive manner and accept that it might fall on deaf ears. Often people are defensive for a range of understandable reasons - he could try mediation as that would be a forum for exploring joint concerns.
DH however faced a similar situation and arranged mediation (which the ex agreed to) however she then sat in silence for the sessions so nothing worked with her.
Does the ex have a new partner?

I do feel sad for dads who want to be involved yet they are prevented from active involvement.

PS in my experience a level of bitterness that continues for many years has nothing to do with your DP but rather where the ex is in her life.

Wellington that is how she sees him, her version of reality isn't quite the way things are!

The thing is he actually wants to talk to her about his concerns and have a discussion. He feels that they should be able to talk about their daughter's schooling etc.

I have a feeling mediation would end up the same way as your DHs did Smum, if she even turned up at all. No, she hasn't got a new partner, she's not moved on at all, everything is the fault of DP for leaving 7 years ago. She takes no responsibility for her part in that at all - you're right, it is about where she is.

Maybe we should just stop trying, see DSD when we can, and stop showing an interest. She makes it so bloody hard. You can't win, can you, in this situation?

Thanks. I'm getting to the conclusion DP needs to not to rise to it. And to back off. Sad, but there we are.

FWIW (not a step parent but a lone parent) I prefer email contact (or text at a push for emergencies or minor things) because not only do I have a record of it, it means that I can give myself time to think about my response and ensure that I am making a reasoned response rather than an emotional one. I struggle with these kind of conversations face to face or on the phone because I find myself panicking, I don't have time to think and I agree to things that I don't want to agree to. It could be that your DP's ex is the same. Why are you so against at least beginning the conversation by email? In your DP's shoes, I would email her politely and calmly outlining the concerns he as and asking her if she has any similar concerns. If she doesn't respond, you have a record that you made contact with her, if she responds rudely you have a record of it, if she responds politely then the discussion has been opened.

I, too, really don't see the problem with email in this situation unless what needs to be discussed is absolutely time-critical. I discovered a good few years ago that using email with my ex helped communication enormously. And, as others have said, the fact that there's a written record helps a lot too.

Echo others - email is a really good way of discussing parenting. DP exchanges frequent emails with exW, and DP and I exchange frequent emails ourselves about parenting issues!

Thanks all, I'll push him back in that direction.

(He does usually email her, he just wants to actually have a conversation and exchange ideas with her, that's all.)

Email is a good forum for exchange of ideas as you can frame them in such a way as to give the other person time to think through several options more easily than in a conversation.

i pushed for email contact between dp and ex because the constant texts and phone calls were not productive in each others lives. they have almost exclusive email contact now though his ex is still a bit text happy, with anything else being discussed at drop offs.
its a very good way to read and then cool down if necessary rather than reactionary behaviour escalating any unpleasant feelings. mediation can be brilliant if you get a good mediator its hard to be UR when you have some one there who is moderating your behaviour. i have almost exclusive email contact with my ex. i think she is right to insist on this but perhaps she could have put it better.

DP usually emails emotive issues. The advantages are that your DP can say what he wants to say without being sidetracked and email gives you time to go over what you are saying. One word of caution, DP has always worked on the principle that anything he writes will be shown to the kids and so writes as much with them as mind as his ex.