Ladys who have DC's with their DP/DH's, where you apprehensive? some advice needed.

[Ticktock1]

Hi, I know quite a few people on here have had DC?s with their DP/DH?s while having SC, so I just wanted some advice from someone who has been through it

I currently have no children and have been with DP for a year, he has one DD who is 4yrs old. We have just moved in together and have started having chats about whether we want to have children. My DP defiantly wants us to have a child and I have always wanted to have children but the thought of having a child in this situation scares me a bit, is this normal?!

As it would be my first but his second I am worried it just wont be special for him, I am sure I am just being paranoid, I mean how can having a child not be special. I really don?t want to spend my pregnancy hearing about how the EX coped and what they went through, I don?t want that ?been here done that? attitude (which I don?t think I will get but can?t help worrying about it). I am also I little worried because I wouldn?t want to bring up my child in the same way that my DP and his EX have.

Obviously I have massive concerns about how DSD would cope with having a sibling and we have her 3 days one week and 4 days the next, will they bond not fully living together, do they need to bond as full siblings? I am so new to this and have no friends in the same situation so I am not sure if I am being too cautious.

Did any of you have these kinds of concerns when you where deciding whether to have a child together or am I just mad?!

I haven?t really talked to my DP about all of my concerns yet because I don?t want him to think I am mad, I will but I just wanted some advice from someone who has been there.

We wouldn?t start trying until middle of next year when DSD has started school anyway. I really don?t want my concerns to stop me having a child because I could well end up resenting my DP and DSD because of that.

I want to feel positive about this.

Thank you

Hi TickTock

I can definitely sympathise with you! I'm 25, never really wanted kids before and OH has 2 from prev relationship. SKs also have 2 half siblings at home.

I've never expressed my desire to have my own, as to be honest, I harbour all the same worries you do alongside the fact we simply do not have the room (2 bed house). I don't think your mad at all! Or if you are, I am too!

Kids are really adaptable so don't worry too much, if you both want a baby - go for it!

There are many reasons why I?ve never had a baby ? primarily because I?ve never had a real maternal urge, but I can totally understand your concerns.

Until I became a step parent, and started talking to other women in the same position, I?d always vaguely assumed that if a man started a family with his second wife/partner, that the children from his first marriage often (sadly) got ?left behind? somewhat. However, I?ve come to realise that the ?second? children are just as likely the casualties of a blended family as the ?first? children. There is so much guilt surrounding the break-up of the first marriage, and many men are terrified of losing contact with ?first? children - that the man often heavily over-compensates the ?first? children, to the detriment of the ?second? children. Not just in financial terms, but in terms of priority.

Some men think that because the ?second? children live with them, that they see them all the time, so it won?t matter if they don?t allocate quality time to that relationship. The fact that they?re all under the same roof seems to be enough for those men.

I?ve also read some very scary stories of ladies about to give birth, knowing their delivery date coincides with an access weekend, wondering what on earth they?re going to do if labour starts at 2.37am ? will she have to give birth with the step children looking on, just because their Dad won?t/can?t take them back home. Or how will she cope with a new baby, just having had a c-section, and then the step kids arrive for a fortnight?

I know my DH would be a wonderful Dad if we had a child together. However, I just know that DSS?s routine would not be varied to fit in with child birth, bringing a new baby home or the inevitable household changes that a new baby brings. In a ?together? family ? if a new baby arrives then no one bats an eyelid if the older children go to a relative for a few days, or if the household routine changes to accommodate a new baby. It?s just life, and everyone gets on with it. But step children generally have elevated status within the household ? their routines are ?ring fenced? and couldn?t be tweaked even if 10 new babies arrived! It?s like the status quo has to be preserved far beyond what would be expected in a ?together? family.

And then bring a bitter/manipulative/unhelpful ex into the equation, one who would insist and/or delight in sending the children over to their Dad, knowing darn fine his new wife is due to give birth in the next 24 hours ? and you get what I mean.

Please don?t think I?m trying to talk you out of having a baby ? I?d never do that to anyone ? but do be aware of the pitfalls of creating a ?second? family.

I hope someone else comes along soon and posts about the positives!

I was in this situation but the other way round - my oldest DCs were DH's stepkids and then we went on to have children together. So yes, I knew roughly what I was doing and what to expect whereas it was all brand new for DH. But every child is different and special and is brand new - you still have to get to know the individual child, IYSWIM. Having previous experience with his DD won't mean he instantly understands the needs of any new DC - it might just mean he's a bit more confident about the challenge.

I think you're right to be a bit cautious re how the DSD will adapt - it was a huge adjustment for my older ones, but they love their siblings dearly and it's mostly been fine. You just need to tread carefully - make sure your DH still has quality time on his own with his DD.

Good luck!

I have been in a similar situation to this. DSS was 11 when we had DS. He is a very laid back and easy going boy, as is his Dad, and I can honestly say there have never been any issues at all. DS and his brother get on well, do all the normal things siblings do, squabble, tease each other etc. I don't think they are as close as if they lived together, although the age gap may also have an effect there, but they certainly care about each other. One real positive I found was when I came back from the hospital with this little person I didn't really know what to do with DH knew exactly what he was doing.

All that said it took a while for us as a couple to adjust to having DS, but I think that is the case for most people. Good luck if and when you decide to go for it!

Thank you so much for your speedy replies, it is so good to hear that I am not the only one with these concerns.

Sparkle86, its good to know neither of us is mad then! I am a similar age to you 27 and I think my age (and every part of my body screaming have a baby!) is telling me to have a baby especially as I am will someone I love so completely and its hard not to be broody when I see my DP being so lovely with his DD. I KNOW he will be a good dad because he already is.

Petal02 I hadn?t really considered your points, your right it?s a lot to balance with two families, it had occurred to me that my child would probably be the one to get the lest attention especially as MIL said the other day ?oh if you have another one you wont care by that point? when my DP was trying to cope with his DD poring water all over the table. I don?t think the EX would be that bad she isn?t that unreasonable, I think she could be a bit awkward if she is worried that my DP will be there less for his DD though, which then goes back to your point about DSD getting preferential treatment.

There are so many things and so many people to consider, do you get chance to just enjoy having a child, being a mum and having a family?

God it?s a mine field being a SP, you just get over one hurdle and your discover another one! x

I'm in the same situation, TickTock. I'm 29 and recently married to a man with an 8 year old DD. So it's interesting to read the responses. No advice for you, unfortunately. Lots of luck though!

I was very, very apprehensive. My (now) DH was a widower when we met, with two teens that he was raising as a single parent. He's a bit older than me, too. He had never considered having another child, but once we started talking about it, he decided he did want to. I very much wanted one, but due to some health problems was not sure I would be able to. After lots of discussions and soul-searching, we decided to try for a baby, even though there were some serious issues between us (to do with his parenting of the kids, mainly). Our daughter is 18 months old now.

Our situation was, I guess, quite unconventional - I am not a UK citizen, and if we had not stayed together, it was understood that I would go back home with the baby; we knew this was a possibility and planned for it. We did not even live together until the baby was six months old (there is a lot more to this but I will try to make it short!)

Anyway - like you, I was worried that it would not be 'special' or 'new' to him. I definitely did NOT want to hear one word about First Wife and how she had done things, etc, etc....The kids are teens, and I was pretty concerned about how they'd respond to a half-sibling; also how it would affect them if we could not work out our issues. And also, I had concerns, frankly, about our ability to co-parent. I had seen how he parented his older kids, and we have very different approaches.

We still have problems, of course, and I have posted about them here before - but the baby brought so many positive changes to our family. The kids responded really well, and they adore the baby, and now I think they feel like we are a "family" in a way they would not have if it were just me. DH is actually pretty supportive of my parenting choices, and open to doing things differently with this baby than the way he did things the 'first time around'; we also agreed from the outset that I would make those decisions - which may be unusual, but has been working for us. I don't feel like it is the same as in other families, and sometimes I do wish for the simplicity of having a 'first child' without all these blended family issues...but you know what... this is just the way it has happened for me, and my DD is a dream come true.

As far as DH's reaction? I didn't need to worry! He says he has enjoyed becoming a parent much more this time around, because he appreciates it more and is more relaxed. He's madly in love with DD, and the pregnancy/birth never felt 'not special'.

Good luck, if you decide to go for it.

I knew from about our second date that DH wanted to have more children - 2 and a half years later DSS is now 9, and DD is 6 months. I won't pretend it's easy - Ex only had gas and air, whereas I has a caesarean, DH "knew it all" already and had to be told to come to the antenatal class for Dads-to-be. I was in hospital for a week, and then when I came home, DSS stayed with us! I'd have been fuming if I'd only had the energy. Despite all this, DD is the most delightful little lady and I wouldn't change anything about her, nor would DH.

If you both want to have children together then you shouldn't let these things put you off, actually although they were huge niggles at the time they will fade into insignificance. I guess you have to decide whether or not you'd be happy with your DP as father to your child/ren. Sometimes it's an advantage that he already has one child as he is more laid back about things than me. It's not easy being a stepmother but everyone's situation is unique, and if you want it to work then there's no reason why it won't.

Just had to reply to your message. I have been with DP for 6 years, six months after getting together i accidently fell pregnant and in them early weeks all i heard was my ex didn't have this or feel this or do this. It was the most frustrating and uspetting exprience of my life - especailly as i had a horrendous first 9 weeks in and out of hospital. Sadly i had a miscarriage.

We now have a 19 month old daughter. While i was pregnant i never heard a thing about the ex this time.

When DD was born i was completly overwhemled. And many a time was heard to say "you should know you've done it before". So get pregnant and enjoy it.

Thank you so much for all of your advice. I'm glad there were some posotives!

Just a word of general advice, which my sister gave me when I married (after being together 3 years).

Wait to have a child (she said 2 years of living together).

You have only been together for a short time really and just moved in together. Unless you are in your late 30s, which I don't think you are, you have time. If you look at the threads on here you will see how many people's relationships get into trouble, and having a child is the best thing on earth, but not easy.
I think you should take time to enjoy living together and not rush into the next step; enjoy the anticipation.

Just wanted to share my experience. DSD was 5 when I was pregnant with DD. I was worried that it wouldn't be special for DH and that especially having another girl would mean it was somehow less than exciting for him. In fact, one of the things that DSD's mum told me was how hard it was to see DH excited for the new baby when he had not been particularly so when she was pregnant with DSD (unplanned in rocky relationship).

When DD arrived, I felt very confident in DH's parenting abilities and patience with a newborn because I know he had done it before and was realistic about what it would be like. If he had been as clueless as I felt, maybe it would have been harder to let him do his bit(am a bit of a control freak at the best of times!)

Hi Ticktock

I just wanted to send you a response about this, I have a SD (12) and DS 18 months and another on the way.

In my experience I didn't get talk about his experiences with his ex because SD was unplanned and I think DH tried to do the right thing by staying his ex but it didn't work (they never married). I think his experience of pregnancy / the early days were limited as they weren't very close. He was pretty good at doing practical things but I think our son was very different i.e. hard work! and he didn't really profess to have answers and was keen to ask me what to do bless him. I think his ex and her mother really brought up his daughter and he just brought in the money so it is quite a different experience for him.

Like you, I don't want to bring up my children like my SD has been brought up and DH understands. He is a total disneydad which I think arises from fact he has too much guilt and is not sure of keeping SD's love if he doesn't please her all the time which is a shame and I'm hoping he will learn it is BS in time. With our DS he is confident in his parenting and able to discipline because we are all on the same page, his relationship with ex has totally broken down and they do not parent together which is my view is the root of the problems we have related to the situation.

I'm not sure about bonding really, all kids are different, even in families who are together all the time different children may or may not bond, I think you need to let them find their own way and what works for them. My DS likes playing with his older sister but she is much older I think he sees her as another adult in the family really which is different to age gap you are dealing with. As the saying goes, you can't choose your family, people are people, I used to be really close with my sister and I'm not anymore, that's how it goes and you can't control it.

The concerns I have were really around DH and how he would parent fairly, I think this will be more of a problem when our kids are older and they notice more how many presents, days out and how much less discipline my SD gets, but again with the age gap hopefully she will be older, have her own life and not need all the attention/spoiling she has now so it will be different.

The only other thing I found difficult is a week after my DS was born we were due to have SD over for a weeks holiday which of course could not be changed and whilst I wanted to hunker down and get used to being a mum I couldn't because SD was staying with us so that was really difficult. I had to take DS to hospital because he wouldn't feed and deal with that and at no point did anyone think that I might like this time to myself and DH, I have always been upset that was really inconsiderate but I know people will view that differently. Also the in-laws were always snatching DS from me and putting him into SD's arms so they could take endless photos of them together but none of me and my husband, they are grandchild obsessed.

Anyway this has turned into a bit of an essay and probably too much of a moan but I hope has been helpful, it is interesting that the worries you have are quite different to mine but I think anyone in this situation is going to have concerns. I think it is the one, short time that step mums can call the shots a bit more and people just have to lump it.

I suppose the answer lies in communication, sound your DH out and see how he feels, to be honest I think men would do anything for an easy life and aren't as interested until the little ones are toddling and talking.

Best of luck

xx

Mine's a positive experience too. I found it very reassuring that dd's Dad had been through it all before, especially in the very early days. And dd and dsd have a fabulous relationship and are very close, and they only ever saw each other every 3rd weekend. In fact they bonded just as well, if not better, than dsd and her other siblings at her mum's end. To them, they're just sisters - the biology of it all doesn't seem to matter to them.

There have been times when dsd has been jealous of dd, but I don't think it was any different to the normal sibling rivalry/issues and we just dealt with it. And the differences between dsd's mum's household and way of bringing children up was vastly different to mine. Dsd just learnt to adapt and what I feel it taught her was that there are different ways of doing things, and when she grows up/becomes a parent she will have options, not just one set of experiences to base her parenting on. I see it as a positive for her.

I am very close to my dsd, we have a really good relationship - and it's not that it hasn't been without problems from either her or her mum - but we worked our way through them. What I always held in mind was that dsd was "mine" and anything I did took into account that I had 2 children, not 1 it was just that one lived with us full-time and one didn't. Whatever we would do for dd we would do for dsd and they were treated the same, as far as circumstances would allow.

IME and in the experience of all my stepmother friends who have had children with men who already have children, you get the absolutely massive benefit of being with a man who is already trained in fatherhood! And you can judge his genetic potential as well - look at his offspring carefully to weigh up the quality of the produce before concluding

My situation is also different from others. My DP has brought up his own SS from his previous relationship - met his ex when SS was a few months old and had another with the same woman. They were not close and he was excluded from the birth of his DD.

They split up and now we have both SC and I am expecting (due now!). It's very confusing!! I worry about DP's SS feeling left out when this little one comes along - he knows my DP isn't his real dad but his real dad doesn't want to know.

I'm glad of my choice because being a SM is very very hard. I'm looking forward to having my own child to occupy my time when the SK's are around and i'm proud as punch that I am able to give my DP the experience he deserves. He is totally clueless (or at least pretends he is for my sake) and I can't wait for us to go through the bonding experience of labour with him. I love him to death. I suppose I'm lucky he was excluded from the previous experience because I would have felt resentful if he wasn't.

Snailoon, I agree and feel its too early, but its ok to have the conversation. What makes it hard for me and I don't know if this was the same for anyone else, but I keep having these massively broody moments because we spend I lot of time as a 'family' and my DSD is quite young and I can't help but feel really maternal. I so want a child! Ha ha but these things shouldn't be rushed and hormomes can be ignored I am sure. Bonsoir, I love the try before you buy idea! DSD does have some health issues, her legs are not great and walking is slowly developing but EXW has lots of health issues and was in her 40's when they had her so her age could have effected that. Thank you all so much for shareing your experiances with me, it has been sooo helpful. When the conversation comes up again I am just going to tell my DP all of my worries and see what the respones is. X