House rules - advice for two blending families please!

[Purpleroses]

OK, so most of you advised us not to do it, and I didn't listen....

But we've decided to move in together sometime next summer. DP has 4 kids (aged 9-14) who live with him at weekends, and I have 2 (aged 8 and 11) who live mainly with me (every other weekend with ex). Moving into DP's house, which is large but still means two DCs sharing a room (probaby my DS(11) and his DS2(9)).

DP seems to be much more positive than he was a few weeks back about the fact that lots will change -for him and DCs - and has been talking lots about what will go where. Both feeling pretty positive :)

But - we need to talk though house rules. We're both used to being in sole charge and making up the rules for ourselves. What advice would you give of things to consider before we make the move? What are the things that have caused tensions in your homes, esp with DCs from two separate homes? (I'm thinking of time spent on computers, ownership of possessions - my house is kind of communal, his less so - food/chocolate bars, bedtimes, etc - what have I forgotten?)

Also - any advice on when we tell the kids appreciated - we were kind of thinking two or three months notice would be sufficient as more than that would just give them more time to worry - any experiences of this? We think that 5/6 of them will be either keen or mostly happy about it. His DS1(nearly 13) doesn't find change easy and is likely to be a bit unhappy about it. How do we make it easier for him?

My DSDs (8, 13) moved in with DP, me and my DS (12) permanently in July - previously like you it was every other weekend. My advice would be don't expect it to all work harmoniously for at least 6 months! I used to get so stressed as we were all so different, try and manage your and everyone's expectations and assure them that it will all get better! - the biggest thing for me was my DSDs were very handy around the house unlike by DS which caused tension. The kids sat down and wrote their own rota to do jobs around the house - they had their own pictures to represent them and it made a big difference - they could all be seen to be treated equally.

Thanks - yes not sure how we'd get rota for chores to work too well, as mine are there most days in the week but only half the weekends, and his are there every weekend. But I do expect mine to help with washing up, etc. When there's only the two I often just get them both to help, but you can't do that with 6, so we'd need some sort of rota....

Despite my regular moans on here, it might be surprising for people to learn that DP and I actually agree on most things regarding discipline, rules etc. The difficulty comes in the implementation and enforcement.

For example, we both agree that kids should do chores. I ensure that my DS does his chores, DP will "let off" his kids or "forget" to remind them. We both agree that the kids should keep their rooms tidy. DS knows there will be a consequence if he doesn't keep his room in a decent state, we have had the rule a long time and I never need to ask twice. DSC will be asked by DP several times a day to tidy their rooms and invariably they will go back to their Mums leaving their rooms in a fairly atrocious mess with no consequence.

So whilst it is easy to agree on rules, you need to talk about what consequences and routine there is to be. This is very important, I think.

Personally I would give the kids no more than two months notice, any more and it will just be too long for them to wait.

With regards to things like chocolate or computer time etc. in some cases I will have two different "rules". For example DS has a box with chocolate in which he can have one thing from per day. I generally let it run out before the DSC come simply because they used to take 2 things and sneak things to their rooms and generally be a bit crafty or argue that they didn't have something yesterday so should have two etc. I figure they get stuff at their Mums, and DS can have stuff whilst they are not here but they can all go without at the weekends. I tend to make a nice pudding or two when they come anyway. I will be more generous with computer time at weekends for DS than I would be during the week simply because I like him to do homework during the week, however DSC Mum encourage them to save all their homework until they come to ours, so DSC probably get less computer time at weekends than DS does but then they probably get more at their Mums than DS gets during the week so I figure it all balances out.

Good luck and let us know how you get on.

Beware of tell tailing, who's side do you take ! Tricky, I tell my ds 's to count to 10, re their ss 10, a good chat to your dc's on understanding younger siblings goes a long way. Even if you are pulling your hair out. I have told them I refuse to listen to silly tails. End of !

Thanks for you replies - enforcement is difficult I think - how do you enforce things with 9-14 year olds? With my own DD (8) I fine her money if she won't do what I say, which tends to work. (DS is an easygoing soul that kind of just does what he's told :) ) But DP's DCs are given pocket money by their mum, so I don't think either me or DP can fine it off them.... DP has one or two "rules" that are blatently ignored by some of his DCs (helping themselves to chocolate, time on computer, etc).

Had a bit of tale telling on holiday - mainly his DS (9) and my DD(8) telling on each other. They're very close in age so struggling with any natural hierarchy I think. Think me and DP had pretty similar attitude towards it though - like you say twosugars - mostly ignoring the history and telling them to go and do something different.