DP thinks I dont do enough for his kids/give a shit/love them

[AndTheyCalledHimSantyClaws]

DP has got it in to his head that I favour my ds over dsd's when dsd's are around.
A few weeks ago I bought ds some PE shorts (hardly a gift, its an essential) and he hit the roof saying his dd gets 'nothing' from us and i am always buying thigs for ds. There are other examples of this kind of gripe.

This morning however, completely took the biscuit. sd stayed last night and i got up with kids this morning at 7.30 Dp doesn't work. I was getting myself ready for work, gave kids breakfast and was ironing ds's uniform (on the floor I was so rushed) DP was still in bed. It was now 8am. He mentions sleepily that sd's uniform needs ironing. At this point at I have done for myself is get dressed. My response was that I don't have time and he has literally hit the roof. He says I would do it if it was ds, he made ds lunch last night and washed his dirty clothes while I was asleep etc etc, he does more for my ds than I do for his dd's (yes, ds lives with us, his dd's are here 2 nights per week)

I am so upset. This argument happened in front of the kids, I left for work with unbrushed hair and no breakfast, yet I am still selfish because I got to work 10 mins early (wtf?!) I do an awful lot for his dd's that he seems to forget about, I can not carry on like this I am starting to resent his dd's

Is this a one off or a pattern of behaviour? If the former then perhaps it's just that something else is worrying him and he's taking it out on you - understandable but not excusable. If the latter then he needs to wake up - for a start by helping you in the mornings.

DH and I share household chores and care of all children (his DSDs x 2 who we see at weekends and our DS) but we both work FT and he never just expects me to just do things for his DDs, though i like to and invariably do so (it's also very important to me not to treat them differently to my DS). He accepts that they are primarily his responsibility, supported by me. But if he started chucking his toys out and accusing me of treating them differently when i clearly treat them the same i'd tell him to fuck off in no uncertain terms, take a long hard look at himself and our relationship and talk to me again when he was prepared to apologise and help out more.

I have to say that although i love my DSDs, i don't love them in the same way as my DS, of course i don't, but outwardly i will always treat them equally, spend the same amount on them for treats (although as DS is always with us we will inevitably spend more on him for essentials). If you are doing the same and this is a regular accusation by your DP then it's time to sit down and have a Good Long Talk.

It feels like he is abdicating his responsibilities - take the step situation out of it, he chose to lie in bed and then expected you to rush around...he is being unreasonable..a couple who have dc's have to work together and he doesn't seem to be pulling his weight.
He could have got up, realised SD's uniform was not ironed and realised you had to leave and simply do it himself. Why wasn't that a solution?

I think you need to make sure that you are not be guilt tripped by someone who is lazy or highly manipulative....Don't allow yourself to be worked into the ground because he knows you are a good step parent and you feel responsible..manipulative people exploit the good nature of others and nothing is ever good enough.

I agree with smum99. I assume that DS is yours from a previous relationship? In actual fact you technically have no responsibility towards DSC and could argue that he should do everything for them whilst accepting that DP doesn't have to do anything for DC.

I think some men seem to think you should behave like a slave towards them and their children. You are not their mother or their slave. Step families don't always work like a "proper" family and people need to adapt accordingly. Sounds like DP expects you to be Mum, provider, cook and bottle washer too!

Sounds like he wants to off load his work for his dds on to you and is trying to bully you to do it.

He could have ironed their uniforms himself. If he doens't want to take care of them, then he needs to reduce access visits.

Don't resent his dds though. They've done nothing wrong. Resent him.

Could DP feel resentment over his unemployment? Maybe he feels he has no money to spend on his DD. I was once in a similar situation, I had no income but my partner did. I was constantly aware of everything he bought, as I felt I couldn't buy anything. This made me resent almost all of his purchases :) I am ashamed of it now. I didn't snap at him though.

OP - I think DP was wrong to shout at you. He should've gotten up and done the ironing himself.

Hmm - not sure this is just about ironing uniforms. You say your DP has "got it into his head" that your favour your son over his daughters. Would be very odd if this was not the case - although favour isn't the right word. We are biologically programmed to care for our young not children that are not ours. Do you assume that he "favours" his girls over your son. Again be strange if he didn't.

This kind of rivalry and tension over kids is at the heart of the step parenting experience. I was a sm many years ago and had kids of my own and spent many many unhappy years, with so many isssues that I read about all the time on here. I feel so sorry for people going through all the things I went through 40 years ago. Nothing has changed.

Step parenting isn't natural - animals don't do it!!

Sorry I am being negative and I know that some families do manage to "blend" but I never had that experience.