How to cope with stepparent

[starsintheireyes]

bit of bkground, split with xp of nrly decade at beg of yr. he met someone 6weeks later(i have some suspicion they had met through friends when we were still together, but cant prove that and will prob never know, wouldnt put it past him though as he had cheated on some level before)

hes not apprciated my feelings in all this whatsoever, eg the kids were introduced to her within a week or two of them getting together, he was then pretty much living with her and left her alone with all 4(one hers) one day when he was supposed to have contact, this was about a month after theyd been together-I knew nothing about her so wasnt impressed, didnt find out he hadnt been there until i picked them up.

fast foward to now, they have our children at their house 8nights a month, this includes the baby(16m).

Recently they took kids away for weekend without telling me, wasnt impressed!

Ive had to accept alot this yr I feel,I am effectively sharing my children with someone who i dont really know and she is effectively "stepmum"(although ive told them i wont be using this term until theyve at least been together a yr, as far as im concerned shes exp gf)

whats normal? how do other parents cope? although the relationship between us all is okish and amicable, i often feel shes overstepping the mark on matters regarding the kids etc, like im co-parenting with her, rather than with exp....

any thoughts or similar experiences?

the trouble with being a "step parent" is that you don't have a clearly defined role and it can be very difficult to work out where your place is.

So many of us complain of being allowed to do the mundane part of parenting but having no real input into the lives of the children even if they are with us significant amounts of time. It is very hard to build a bond with children if you are only allowed to have a certain amount of input.

However, I can totally see your point and as a Mother who's child has a "step Mum", I too would have mixed feelings. On one hand I would feel happy that my child has someone who wants to be involved - another adult who will care for them and bring something positive to their lives, on the other hand, I would feel resentful and pushed aside as if my own parenting was sidelined in favour of this other woman.

In my opinion, they are wrong to take the kids away without informing you although they are not wrong to do it nor did they need permission as it is their time with the kids to do as they please (as long as kids are safe etc.)

I don't know what the answer is for you, although I would say it's early days for them and the novelty might wear off and the stress kick in soon!

I have my step kids live with us over twice as much as you do and I am left on my own with them for 10 - 12 hours per weekend with them and I can assure you I am not happy with that situation at all. I just wish their Mum and my DP cared about it as much as you seem too!

yes I think your 3rd paragraph sums it up really,There was talk about nighttraining for our youngest son, apperntly its embarrssing and lazy and he should be at least trying to get dry. I wasnt impressed, I wet the bed till v late, my oldest till over 6yrs old, so I am not going to force the issue or make a big deal out of it. this has irked exp, but i am the one who'll be washing and tumble drying bedding everyday so I would rather wait until next spring(unless ds wants to try before then obviously). Also they take away dds dummy when shes there, this irks me as shes only a baby and Im not fretting about her giving it up just yet.
He wants her there at meetings/parents eves etc but i feel weird about that, I guess because im not entirely happy with the stepmum role yet and feel everythings already moved so fast and that they only been together 8months so what/why does she need to be there.

It might be easier for you to accept that this may well be a long term relationship. 8 months is actually quite a long time and if they have had the children regularly during all that time then she has definitely started to build a relationship with them. Try to see it in a positive light - that they have another adult who is trying to do the best for them.
If you fight and resist it, you will gain nothing, other than resentment from exp and possibly your children in future.
I say that in the light of my own experience as a stepmum. DH's exw has always resented me, and my involvement in the children's lives even though I've been with DH 10 years now and one of them lives with us. She constantly moans about me to the children and they feel very awkward about it. I'm not saying that you do that by the way, but it might be better to be positive about the relationship, that's all.

I do wish there was a rule book that guided parents on how quickly they could rush into new relationships...seems to happen quite a lot as DH's moved a new man in straight away. It's such a basic thing..if you have kids don't be selfish, wait!

Their relationship has moved on quickly however be guided by how the dc's feel..often they react better than the adults do! How are they about the new set-up ? The younger the children the easier it is for them generally.
Secondly it's actually good that the dc's spend time with their dad, as it is in their best interests long term so well done for supporting your ex in this.

Use the time that your ex has the dc's for some relax and indulge time..make the most of it. No matter what the ex portrays life as a step family isn't easy and they haven't chosen the straight forward path!

Out of courtesy he could have mentioned the weekend but do consider how you would feel if you had a new partner and your ex wanted to know your whereabouts on your weekend..You would label the behaviour as controlling and be angry that he felt he had a right to know what you get up to.

One thing I learnt with my ex - pick your battles..don't fight over the small stuff, let go of those issues that are just annoying. Come on MN and rant but try to always be amicable infront of the dcs. Your dcs will appreciate the effort you make when they are older (although at the time it feels thankless).
The new partner is hopefully just a caring adult in their life and always remeber that you are their mum and cannot be replaced.

I think pick your battles is good advice. But i do think there is no reason you should have to attend parents eve with ex and stepmum as these are meetings for the childs parents. In this situation 3 is def a crowd. If your ex insists on bringing her along suggest they book a seperate appointment.

That said, my new partner has been to school functions and sporting events with my ex and the children. BUT I always ask both the children and ex first and if anyone was not happy he simply wouldnt come along. Last time we went me, DP, ex and the children were all sat together. But fortunately Ex and DP get along fine.

smum99-I agree there should be some rulebook!
I think the point about the weekend away was that although hes had access since the split,its only been since september that theyve had the 8nights a month. Before we split in all honesty I did the lions share in regards to the kids and the baby is just over one so I do feel mighty protective of her, him taking them away for the weekend just made me feel distrustful of him, I had no idea where they were and as their mum I feel I should be given this information. I undertand about your point about being controlling, but to be informed would of been nice, if Id have taken the kids several hours away overnight I would inform them as I dont have much family and if anything happen to me or the children Id want someone to know of our whereabouts.

Stars I get your point and if I had no idea where my baby was I would feel utterly freaked. I would never take dss away overnight without telling his mum so I agree with you actually. I think the problem is that clearly he let you down very badly so you feel a bit distrusting, quite understandably and probably a bit threatened by this new family unit trying to force their views on you when you always had to do more. I can completely understand that but perhaps if you try to view it as good that he is now involved, being responsible and cares and take it from there it might be easier on you.

Having been on both sides of this equation I can understand how you feel. You have children, one very young, so your split either happenened v late in the pregnancy or early after the birth and instead of having lovely mummy and daddy unshared time you are having to send your babies to a woman you barely know. My childminder was vetted so thoroughly you would think she was working for mi5 and yet you dont know this woman at all. Try not to automatically assume she is a problem or a risk desperate to take over though. Its probably difficult for her as well to try to do the right thing for such young children and if your partner picked you, chances are she is probably a nice person as well. It must be so difficult for you - I cant imagine you had kids planning to hand them over to someone else for so much time of the month but if he wasnt there at all it would be worse. He is trying so I hope that at least gives you a wee bit of comfort.

Try and get some time to do things you enjoy on your time. When my kids have been away overnight I hate it - the house feels so empty - do you have other friends you can spend time with - it will probably help you stop worrying at least a little bit. Also I think your point about parents evening is entirely fair. Eight months is not a lot of time at all and after four years I wouldnt dare turn up at dss school - stepping over the boundaries a lot there and I think you should tell your ex that if he wants to do that it needs to be done seperately.

Sorry for the long post but this is the first time in a while I have felt compassion for the ex in this situation and really wanted to say I hope you get through this and can build an amicable relationship with them - its so hard and I do feel for you!

I have been on both sides of this equation too - SM and DP being SF to my sons. It was all a long long time ago and there were always resentments, tensions, arguments between me and DP and his ex was my best friend! However things changed when me and DP got together, long after she left him for a much younger man. I always resented my SD and in her dad's eyes she could do no wrong (they call them disney dads now!) I didn't like myself for feeling like I did but that was it - I couldn't change my feelings.

The writing is on the wall - SM is putting her foot down, bedwetting is lazy and the child should be "night trained" - she clearly doesn't like dummies so it has to disappear! She wants to go to parent's evenings - I think she sounds rather insecure and wants to "make her mark" in your ex's life. Does she have children of her own. I really think taking the children away for the weekend is not on. I think 8 months is a very short time to be making changes, and the children must be confused.

Mind if it was the SM posting, I would probably see her point!

There really is no answer to this step parenting experience - it's un-natural - animals don't do it!