My DH can't get on with my DD

[phoenix2]

I feel like i am living in a nightmare. i can't understand how it has all gone so wrong. i had a 4 yr old dd when i met my now husband. we have two kids now 3 and 1. my dh and my dd were fairly close until 3 yrs ago. i guess she turned into a pre-pubescent or it was the arrival of our own dd but since then they have simply not got on. My dd is now 13. The arguements are constant. literally 3/4 days out of every 2wks my dh and i won't be talking over something or other.

Now my dd is not a saint and in many ways she is an unusual child. Not wild or particularly bold or anything like that but very lazy, no 'get up and go' whatsoever, speaks very low, extremely fussy and slow eater and at times i can admit it she won't do the things she is asked (simlpe stuff around the house) but i guess all of this is normal for a 13yr old. She does my head in at times but i still love her totally and completely - she's still my baby and i know i was probably every bit as bad when i was her age.

My Dh however cannot tolerate her at all. We can't even have a day out together without it ending in disaster or him giving out to her over every little thing and her withdrawing into herself which annoys him even more. We went on holidays earlier this year and i swore never again - it was a nightmare. We used to go away for weekends with her when she was smaller but i wouldn't even dream of doing that now as it would be a joke.

We had a day out shopping yesterday and once again it descended into a disaster. he was hungry before we were so we stopped for lunch - i know my dd wouldn't eat a dinner (she was only after eating popcorn) so i said she would have soup - this resulted in him giving out yards about how spoilt she was, how you would think she was royalty etc etc (now she does have a very annoying way of eating) you could see people at the next table just staring at us. I was putting up new pics on the mantle piece yesterday eve and put one of her on the couch for a mo (while i was rearranging them) and she said 'dont' take down the only one of me' he started giving out saying that was such a stupid thing to say. His brother was there at the time and my heart broke for her as i could see her hold ing back the tears. His bro took them out for chips and while gone i said that as usual he was being too hard on her. And thats when he said it. After all these years he finally said he can't stand her. He ususally just says she is spoilt, brat, no manners etc but this was a new low.

Only last weekend he promised me there would be no more givnig out to her that he would improve, that he can see its killing me etc. (i have heard this almost every month for the past three years).

so what the hell do i do?? she has a dad who loves her but lives the other side of the country, his mother adores her and lives only 4 kms from her and she usually goes there 1/2 night each week. This sounds awful but these are the only nights i can relax. I feel sick to my stomach at the way this has all turned out. He is a shit husband, shit step father but an amzing dad to his own two.

Any advice would be great. this is taking a huge toll on my health and it must be awful for my dd

Sorry for long thread. but sometimes i wish she would just change and wake up and make an effort and speak louder and eat faster etc etc and then on the other hand i know how wrong this is to feel that way. Its not her fault.

We have tried counselling before, i hve written him letters, asked him to leave(he wouldn't) got his bro to speak to him. Nothing works with this man and i am literally at breaking point. Crying my eyes out typing this.
Please help

Hi Phoenix,
Sorry I can't offer any tangible advice as I'm kind of experiencing the flip side at the moment but I didn't want to leave you unanswered when you are so upset. Being a step parent is a challenge and I thought it would be easier when i had my own kids but actually it is harder, particularly in challenging situations as you do feel that your own kids could get affected by stuff and miss out or feel unsettled, my DH has been very upset lately and unable to deal with our DS (2) as a result and doesn't talk to him or play with him anymore as he is so preoccupied which makes me really upset. Your DH obviously has something serious on his chest that he needs to sort out and come to terms with in order to move on and participate in the family properly. It does sound like he is being unreasonable to your daughter who sounds pretty normal to me. Of course you love her unconditionally but this does not always happen with step parents however this does not give him the excuse to be on her case all the time. Maybe he should leave the discipline or dealing with issues to you, she won't always be like this I think teenagers enter a black cloud sometimes and you just have to carry on as normal and they emerge out of the other side, if you draw attention to it or nag them I think it makes it worse, its enough to make a point sensibly a few times or maybe find a way to jolly them along. It sounds like you have tried a lot of things, can you find a way to make him understand just how upset this is making you? Hope this helps x

Thanks for your reply onionlove. we have tried the letting me discipline/ deal with her thing but he can't help getting involved. sometimes all she has to do is stand in the wrong place for him to give out to her.
I think at this stage he doesn't even care how much it upsets me.

I think you need to think about the impact this will have on your daughter and her happiness and self esteem. He sounds like a bully and will most likely never change. I could not stay with someone who treated my daughter like this and I think you owe it to her to make sure she isn't treated like that.

I got to the point where I was making my dsd's life miserable so I left and took my dd with me.

I really don't think it sounds as though you have a choice, what are your little ones learning from watching how your dd and you are both being treated?

Just to add, I have a friend who was treated like this by her step father and still feels real sadness and bitterness, towards both him and her mother, many years later.

I genuinely do not understand women who let their children be mis-treated. I know I am lucky enough not to have been in that situation but I also know my relationship with my DD is far too important to allow some bullying man to ruin. Sorry Phoenix, I don't mean to sound sanctimonious but it seems obvious what you need to do.

If you don't put her first you are going to really hurt her. Perhaps this behaviour is a symptom and not thR cause of the problem.

This is bullying behaviour - if he had good intentions he would be trying to work with you to develop her behaviour..but he isn't he is just bullying.The situation will get worse and your dd will at some stage get depressed, no one could suffer this level of rejection without depression. Depression in teens is often expressed as rebellion so I think you need to resolve this.

You are in such a tough position as he is also the father of your other children but I suspect he will, later in life, when they turn into grown up people, with annoying habits turn on them..

Is he bullying to you? It sounds as if he is very disrespectful to you..Could you and your DCs go to stay your MIL? Sometimes we can't fix situations, your husband is the only one who can resolve whatever issues he has. It won't get better on it's own and you need to courage to make a stand on behalf of your daughter.

It sounds to me as if your DD is very spoiled. I think you should listen to your DH!

PS you need to talk to your dd and explain that Husband has issues, they are not her fault.
She needs to feel safe that she can talk to you and you are on her side. Forget the annoying habits - I bet she will improve if she is under less stress. Can you imagine how you would feel knowing that your every move would be criticised, she is likely to be so stressed..so almost sounds depressed. I have a teen at a similar age, she can be slow in the mornings but other times a bundle of energy..it doesn't sound 'normal' or usual to me.

Sorry Bonsoir but that is rubbish, or are you trying to be amusing? AnywayPhoenix 2 I notice that you have gone quiet. I know a lot of posters do when they are being urged to leave their H or P. as that isn't what they want to do. You are in a very very tight corner here. I can understand your P - as I have had the same experience with my SD years and years ago. I hated myself for feeling that way about a young girl, but I got to really resent her, and we had numerous rows about it but I never was as forthright about things as your P has been. Also my DP was a SF to my son and that was not an entirely smooth passage and started when he was about 12 I think. DP would pick on him for small things and then I would intervene and there would be another row. Once my son said to me "I wish you wouldn't always take my part because it just makes things worse."

I think you are right when you say she was approaching puberty and the arrival of your/his own daughters. Very often this makes things worse. I wonder if you were considering in any way your daughter going to live with her dad or her gran. Sorry if I've got that wrong but I just wondered.

I hate to say this but if he is like this with her at 13 matters are likely to get worse as she goes through her teenage years. You say you wish she would speak louder, eat faster etc., but if he feels like this, he will find other things to complain about. "I can't stand her" is fairly unequivocable. Incidentally has she always spoken quietly or is this since things between her aand your P have deteriorated. The poor girl also has to compete with 2 baby girls who she will see are adored by their father, and the jealousy she rightly feels was
demonstrated by the "only photo of her"

I can also see how difficult it is for you to uproot yourself and be a single parent of 3. However I think you know deep down that this situation can't be allowed to continue. Would your P agree to counselling to try to make this situation more tolerable. Trouble is "not being able to stand a child" is not rational and I'm sure he (like I did) knows that this is not how things should be. I think the fact that you two have discussed this so often and he has promised to behave better towards her, means that he has tried but somehow he just "can't stand her" and I know that feeling and it made me feel ashamed but there it was, and it never changed. Incidentally my DP andmy son are close now (he is an adult with his own family) and my DP thinks he walks on water!

I actually don't think this is bullying behaviour - I know it comes across like this, but it is an irrational emotion and he may deep down feel badly about it.

SO what do you do - you have 4 options I guess

1. Stay as you are with the emotional distress that this will cause your daughter

1. Consider her living with her dad if that is possible, although she will see that as you rejecting her

1. Consider her living with her gran or staying there for longer periods. That way you could get to see her presumably as often as you wished. Does her gran know what is going on in your household. Is she young enough/in good health to care for your daughter, if indeed this was a solution to the problem.

1. Leave and set up home with your 3 children as a single parent

Feel so so sorry for you............please come back and post - don't be put off by people saying you must leave etc. I know where they are coming from but it's easy to sit on a laptop and say that, the reality is not so easy.

But he's not really an amazing dad to his own two either is he? Not if he's happy for them to see him treating their mum and big sister like he does. Don;t kid yourself that your youngest two remain undamaged by his fuckwittery.

Poor little girl.

Please, whatever you do, do something. Don't just stand by and do nothing.

NanaNina - the OP has given plenty of examples of her DD's behaviour in the OP and I can assure you that if my DSSs behaved like that, I would pull them up on it. Being a step-child is no excuse for getting away with horrible behaviour.

Sorry Bonsoir I don't see your point at all and by the sounds of all the posts neither does anyone else. What exactly do you call horrible behaviour - the only horrible behaviour I read into the situation is that of the step father to a 13 year old girl. Anyway I don't think this thread should get side tracked with this as the OP is clearly looking for help, though I sincerely hope it was not your post that has stopped her posting again.

He is the adult - you need to explain to him that your daughter isn't going anywhere - so either he starts treating your dd with some respect or he has to go. Your dd is a child ffs! How dare he be so cruel to her. If he can't live with your dd then he needs to go live somewhere else. I lived with a man - I didn't like his children - I left. What does this man want you to do with your dd? Does he seriously think you are going to send her away? He needs to take a look at himself.

Attention seeking again Bonsoir? How predictable.

He is bullying your daughter. He's said he can't stand her and doesn't seem willing to make any adjustments as the adult.

Have you talked to your daughter about it, just the two of you?

I cannot see any example of the DP bullying his stepdaughter. I can see examples of him pulling her up on her bad behaviour. He sounds like a responsible adult to me.

bonsoir being lazy as a teenage or eating annoyingly is not a reason to be verbally insulted everyday, trodden down until you feel like you are nothing. its not nice to watch your mother continue to be with the person who is doing this to you when she is the one who is suppose to be protecting you.while your self confidence takes battering after battering that is to the way to discipline a child. saying you cant stand a child you have lived with since they were 4 and letting it show to the regularly is to me the sign of a weak and pathetic man not particularly in control of him self.
op your daughter in suffering here,you already know you have let it go on to long, being a sp is hard work yes but that kind of behaviour is just beyond the pale. your daughter may be annoying etc but does she deserve to be unhappy, have no holidays, not go out with her family be shouted at and degraded in public for every infraction?
if there are discipline problems you need to work on that, but please think about your childs future mental health. your other children are only little what if he really dislikes them when they get older?

is not the way to discipline a child

Phoenix any chance of you posting again. Am concerned that you have been put off by some many posters telling you to leave ..... it's your life and you don't have to follow the advice of others, but don't let that put you off posting - take care.

I think everyone could do with some counselling.

OP on how to deal with DH.

Daughter on understanding why she feels the need to behave as she does (possibly because horrible critical attention is better than no attention from SF)

DH on what is winding him up to be so cruel to DSD. Sometimes things from your childhood return to affect your treatment of your own children.

This would be the easiest option initially. Just being able to speak your true feelings to someone helps alot.