Wow this step mother business is ....'challenging' LOL

[winginit]

For the last year I have been step mum to a 16 year old boy and 13 year old girl, they are now 17 and 14.....Yes I know a smashing age for me to come into their lives!!!!! ha ha ha.
The children spend a week with their dad and I, and a week with their mum and that was the children's choice and I came along after that was established - which I am totally fine with. We live only 15 mins car journey apart and have a 'keep in touch' dinner night with the kids and which ever parent they are not with that week. It works well and we are trying very hard to work as a team (their dad, their mum and me). We start tonight a monthly catch up about the kids, so we communicate better.

I suppose I never dreamed it would be this hard, I'm not sure what I thought I was walking into but, whatever I thought I didn't have a clue really.Having said that, they are nice kids and good kids, but still teenagers which are all horrid at times.

I do love them both very much and they do love me, I know that bit. But, what I don't know is what is being a teenager and what is expressing problems, issues or unhappiness. The 14 year old girl has almost hero worship for her dad, so any cross words with me and him, mean I take on the daughter too! She reserve the right to dish out grumpy, stroppy behaviour as if I was a parent, but not that loving affection. And not to be childish, but it hurts! hummm :( I think he feels so lucky that things have worked so well that he will not put his foot down for fear of rocking the boat with the children. But at times I just feel like the cook, taxi, dog walker and cleaner.

What are they going through at this age? How do I get right? How do I tackle rude or challenging behaviour? I am sorry to rattle on but this must first outlet that has not been my poor mum or their dad. He just defends them, it feels from me being critical and mum must be sick of it.

?I never dreamt it would be this hard? ? me neither. It really didn?t bother me that DH had kids when I met him, but like most things, the devil?s in the detail ???

I have a 17 yr old SS, who stays with us from Thurs-Sun alternate weekends, with a midweek night on the week when there isn?t an access weekend.

I?ve been with DH for nearly 7 years, and whilst I?d like to tell you it gets easier, I haven?t found this to be the case. You?ll read many cases on this forum, about fathers who ignore/defend bad behaviour due to their fear of rocking the boat. They?re so desperate to maintain contact with their children (which I can understand), that they won?t ?parent? in any way. My DH has often remarked that as he only sees his son every other weekend, he doesn?t want to spend this time laying down the law or using any sort of discipline, and the domestic situation this creates can be extremely hard to live with.

DH and I have had some major rows about it, it?s about the only thing we fall out about, and our relationship has sustained some real bruising over it. SS can do no wrong in DH?s eyes, and DH just shuts down if I make even the slightest criticism of SS. I?ve often said that the only role open to a step-mother, is that of doting bystander. You aren?t allowed to criticise, you don?t have any real parental authority. It?s a very artificial situation and the dynamics can be very strange.

I can?t offer you any words of wisdom, except to say that I understand totally where you?re coming from, and that the relationship between a child and part-time parent can often be very skewed and unhealthy; things that would never be allowed in a ?together? family are often overlooked for the sake of a quiet life.

I was interested that your step children are now 17 and 14, and are still happy to have a ?week on/week off arrangement?. One of my main gripes is that our access arrangements are still very rigid. I?d hoped by now that SS would have a more ?come and go as he pleases? arrangement, rather than the rather infantile fixed pick-ups/drop-offs that were arranged when he was at junior school.

Well SS who is 17 can come and go in the hols, but during term time because they are both studying it is reasonable rigid so we know they are getting homework and course work done. Having said that we run quite a relaxed house and if the kids said they would like to change I'm sure we would.

not sure if that makes you feel any better- I have 3 myself, 2 of them teens (17,15), and I feel like cook, taxi, dog walker, cleaner, and walking wallet.
Only difference is I get to blow my top at them every now and again.

I also have 3 teenage DSC (youngest 13), so can see the other side, as well- and I find it less easy to take the same cheek from them then from my own DC, or watch them give DP grief- same other way around.
NB strangely, my DCs do not take friendly to the DSCs giving out to me- it is almost as if they have transgressed on their turf, like "we can say that to our mum, but you can't". Very funny, actually, they get quite offended.
They are good kids, generally, all of them.