Help me to understand, or cope with...

[onionlove]

Hi everyone, wondering if anyone can help me understand or shed some light on this, I'll try to be brief.
My SD (11) kicked off a few weeks ago and decided she didn't want to come to us anymore (normally every other weekend). DH was devastated, it caused lots of trouble between us and upset in our home (we have 2 yo DS and I am 12 weeks pregnant). He had a couple of meetings at her mums to sort it out which turned into slanging matches (in front of SD). She is bored at our house but she expects us to amuse us the whole time she is here and we can't do it. I don't blame her being bored, I would be in her situation but she shows no interest in doing anything and any suggestion made is met with a shrug or complete apathy, I think she is seeking attention as I tried to do when I was her age except that my parents nipped it in the bud! My DH asked her week after week what's wrong but she just said nothing all the time, he even asked her mum if she was Ok and she said yes, then all of a sudden she is devastated, saying we ignore her and she feels left out etc.
Her mum didn't encourage her to keep coming so she missed a few weekends (so nice not to be treading on eggshells in my own house) she told her she could choose so she decided to come this weekend. DH told me he was going to chat to her and her Mum and say she needs to decide if she wants to come less or not as he is not going to wait for her to make up her mind a few days before each time she is supposed to be here. In addition, we decided we would both sit down with her and talk to her about telling us the truth and being honest about what she wanted to do when she was here and how we would like to approach this situation in the future. Basically to save DH the hurt and upset thinking he is not doing to see his daughter anymore. We thought telling her we wanted her to take more responsibility for her time when she is here, maybe ask friends to sleepover here, think about activities she would like to do and tell her we would need her to be a grown up big sister as there would be another baby on the way.
Well no conversations of any sort were had, DH made it Disney weekend and then told her about the baby without any of the other things. I said to him 'that isn't what we agreed, how are we going to prevent this in the future if there are no boundaries or understanding between us all' and he said 'I couldn't do it I didn't want to upset her!'
So he took her home and she agreed she had such a nice time (of course) that she wanted to revert to the original pattern. I am so annoyed, I just feel DH is being manipulated by her mother and then SD is growing into the same kind of person. He was devastated and hardly able to work or help me with DS over the last couple of weeks and now everything is hunky dory. I am getting the feeling that our future happiness is going to depend on whether his daughter and his ex get what they want and I'm not sure I can live like that. When I told DH how angry I was he just says 'my life is shit, its all a mess I can't cope, everyone is moaning at me etc. etc. then storms off out.' I told him in 7/8 years time SD won't care about the upset caused and his ex certainly don't care but I will just remember my children's baby years manipulated by this stuff.
I just want my family to grow up in peace and harmony, I know there will always be stuff going on with children, particularly teenage girls but we're not even there yet and DH is trying to be a friend rather than a Dad. I had discipline and rules when I grew up and I was still a nightmare, I'm just dreading what's going to happen and seriously don't know if I would be better off on my own.
Please help me to see some clarity, will it always be like this or will things ever change?

11 is quite a young age to be taking responsibility for her social life, inviting friends over, etc. My 11 (nearly 12) year old is only just starting to do this. They often need a bit of help from parents to sort it out for them at that age - which is tough if you're not the main parents who know her friends numbers. And hard too, if you don't live so near to all her friends. Can you or your DH try to help her sort out to have friends over? Could her DM provide friends' parents' phone numbers? You may have to offer to run them there and back if you don't live near enough for them to make their own way.

Can understand why she might be bored if she feels she's being forced be away from her home and friends and doesn't have anything to do at your house. Also you could see if there are more toys, games, computer, etc that she might like to have or bring to your house?

you are 12 weeks pregnant and so rather hormonal but what comes across in your post is jealousy of the child and your DH trying to be a father to her. In 7/8 years she and the ex will most certainly remember this, it will affect the child for life. I'm sure you would not dream of making a comment like that about your own child.

What have you done for her when she stays with you? Have you invited her freinds around, taken her to the cinema, the zoo, a park? Do you bake with her, shop for clothes with her? Yes she needs some discipline but that is not treating her like an adult and expecting everything from her without giving anything back. It's quite normal for an 11 year old to meet suggestions with apathy, have you asked what she likes to do and done it? Have you arranged outings and told her she is going on them anyway, you'd do that for your own child.

You have 3 children now and you need to start treating the 11 year old like your own child, helping to arrange things for her to do and providing toys and activities for her. Ina few years you could have a lovely babysitter.

You would not be better off without your husband, being a single parent is very hard.

Onionlove I am living with a manipulative SD and dealing with a very difficult ex too. It's easy for people not in this situation to say that you are the adult, sd is just a child, you have to take responsibility, you knew what you were getting into etc etc.

In real life in our house we do what dsd2 wants in the way her mother wants it done. We were at solicitors last week (whole other thread there) and DH actually said that he does what his exW wants even though he knows it upsets me. I am bottom of the food chain here and know that will never change.

I agree with you that letting these children have this much control is ultimately not going to help them grow into nice people. If your dsd's parents were together she wouldn't be able to just not be there because there was nothing exciting on offer for her to do. Life isn't all exciting and it isn't all about her. Kids have always said they were bored and will always put pressure on their parents to find "fun" things for them to do every day, but it's only step-kids who have the ability to manipulate in this way to make sure they get what they want.

I honestly don't have any advice for you other than to try and detach yourself a bit. It's the common advice but I think it's the only way. If you know you can't change it then just take yourself off for the afternoon or the day and have a nice time with your own child. Or leave both children with DH and go out on your own.

Thanks for your responses.

Purpleroses, I agree and I suppose what doesn?t come over in my message is that I am not blaming my SD for this but her Mum and Dad. We have asked her many times about inviting friends over and the only friend she has where she lives with her Mum she says is not free at the weekends. The weekends she is not with us she spends with grandparents or shopping with her mum, I feel sorry for her that she is not encouraged to cultivate friendships. I introduced her to the daughter of a friend of mine but she didn?t get on with her and my DH?s friend has a daughter in a similar situation who goes to the same school as my SD, they meet up and do things together but my DH says she still seems unhappy even when she is with her and he is at a loss to know what to do. We don?t mind taking her for sleepovers or inviting for sleepovers or days out if it involves extra driving, we do want her to enjoy her time with us and she used to but over the last six months that has all changed. Obviously things have changed since we had DS as we have less money and our time is divided now. Part of the problem I think is that her parents don?t get on, her mother tells her she is a guest in our house and shouldn?t be expected to do anything whereas we would prefer her to muck in and get involved. Example, DH asked her to help wash the car and gave her £2 for doing it, she seemed happy to do it at the time but told her mother he made her do it and she was upset. It is difficult when she will not talk to us but will go home and tell her mum she is unhappy. In terms of things to do we have a computer, playstation, Wii, nice garden, play toys with DS, baking, parks, board games, DVDs, swimming, ice skating, loads of books, she has a phone, laptop, guitar, nintendo DS. I have offered to do shopping, nail varnish and hair styling with her but she doesn?t want to. There are girls next door I asked her if she wanted to go round and play but she doesn?t.

Ellisbell, I?m not jealous of the child but I could do without the pain and anguish caused by the way DH and his ex parent her. I feel sorry for her but I don?t think DH and her mother really work together to help her. My issue is he is trying to be her friend and not her father, he is scared of upsetting her so much that he is handling it really badly and storing up problems for the future. As above we have done many things, we went to loads of events over the summer and she didn?t want to look at anything, go on any rides, see any music, stay out late to watch a summer play anything, we go to local farms, safari parks, you name it. The other day I asked her if she wanted to go and choose something nice in New Look and she said she wasn?t bothered so we didn?t. We have asked her what she does at her mums and she just says she visits her granny or goes to the car boot sale. We provide a lot of things, don?t get me wrong I am not blaming her but my husband?s lack of ability to deal with these issues so she can be happy when she?s with us.

GCB, thank you for understand, you?re right, problem is for me that I am not involved in any discussions/agreements/decisions but I am expected to participate when I don?t get a say what goes on in my own home. If my SD was truly part of our family I would be able to do this but I am not as we all have to tread on eggshells and I have been told to stay out of these issues which I find difficult when they devastate my DH so much. Your 2nd para sums up my situation, DH would rather upset me than his ex, he lives with so much guilt around his daughter that he has not come to terms with so cannot move on, I am also bottom of the food chain. I am a great believer that kids need boundaries to help them feel secure, where does it end otherwise? When I told my parents I was bored I was given chores to do . If we knew what she wanted we would do it but we have no idea and how else can we find out rather than ask her, what other options do we have when her mother won?t help us? Of course she is going to manipulate because she feels insecure, I do get that but it doesn?t make it easier. I think you are right about detaching but I just don?t like to see my DH in pain over a situation that he could get to grips with if he was just a little stronger and not giving into blackmail. He still hasn?t changed the maintenance payments in line with the fact we have a child because he is scared of the consequences.

Onionlove ? I just wanted you to know that I feel your pain. Glasscompletelybroken?s post is excellent, and she makes a lot of sense.

Unfortunately, your average Disney Dad will do whatever it takes to keep the children completely on side, and if this also means keeping the ex sweet to your detriment, then I?m afraid that?s what he?ll do.

I don?t think there?s been a word invented yet that describes the frustration this causes. I?m not allowed any say on what happens in my home when it comes to SS, I feel he has a greater status than me within the home, whereas in a ?together? family the adults are at the top of the food chain, and the children come lower down. And that?s a healthy dynamic. But in a step family the children are often given more status than the adults, just to ensure they don?t get ?upset.? It?s all wrong, it doesn?t usually work very well, and then the father can?t understand why the household doesn?t run smoothly.

Your observation is correct ? when you?re a stepmother you?re expected to participate with, contribute to, and generally run the household, but you?re not eligible to ?vote? when step-child-related decisions are being made. Unfair? Too right.

petal and glass completely I know of what you speak. I have had to "move on" from my SD and my dh, her dad, is supporting me in this. It is awful for him. I have his support because he agrees that i have done nothing wrong and have tried my best with all 3 of his now grown up kids. Their relationship will continue, without me, if she forgives her dad for moving on with his life after his ex's affair. I was nothing to do with their failed marriage. That's hard but, I have welcomed her, included her, and done as much as I'm prepared to do and her attitude and behaviour is nasty. That's it. Just plain nasty.

Ellis are you a step parent ? Or do you have a child who is now a step child to your ex's partner? I can't agree with one single word you have written, but that's my opinion.

Hi Petal, - think you have responded to me before so thanks for your support again. I don't know how to cope with this situation that I know he will upset me rather than his ex every time, I feel taken for granted and disrespected and never expected to feel that in a marriage which is otherwise wonderful, makes me sad. You're right, we don't have a heathly dynamic, it won't work and in the future it will be a disaster, kids need parents who can guide them not be guided by them. I will just do my best to shield my own children from this. I feel all these discussions are had behind my back and I don't agree with any of them. Makes me feel like not cooperating with favours and swapping weekends etc. anymore although I know that won't do me any favours. There is no doubt I'm emotional and pregnant but I feel like I'm miles apart from my DH at the moment and its not a nice place to be.
LaDolcheRyvita - thanks for your message, I can totally understand your decision and I think its great your DH supports you, wish I had the support of my DH. I don't think things will change but I do think that my SD will grow up one day and have her own mind, her own friends and her own life which hopefully will be more healthy for her and make her parents realise that they have wasted her growing up years fighting and being greedy.
As an update my DH sent me an email yesterday to say sorry he keeps having a go at me and he realises he is handling this badly but is struggling. I have asked him to seek some professional advice and help regarding his rights, the finances, and to help him deal with the guilt he is carrying around and how to parent more effectively (or at all for that matter!), he said he would so we'll see. If anyone has any suggestions of organisations he could contact to help him please let me know.
Onion xx

Contact your GP. There may be a waiting list but it'll be free.

Also I would suggest you might want to not give DSD the option of doing certain things but just say "today we're going to do x" and just take her along. That's what you'd do if she were your own child. She wouldnt chose necessarily. That's a lot of responsibilty (and power) for an 11 year old to have, whereas you guys are the adults.
It's tough though. I feel your pain!!

Hi, I had some support from Parentline when going thru a tough time with my SS. Your DH could speak to them to see what support there may be for him?