Advice for DP re reducing maintenance

[berkshirefem]

Hi there, my Dp's having a hard time. He ahs always paid his ex twice the amount of CM that he should because she refuses to work and he wanted DD to have a decent standard of living when she was there. (she is with us 3 days/ night a week and most of the weekend day times) It has at times left us short and has stopped us from saving for a mortgage that we want not just for ourselves but for DSDs security and my own DDs.

anyway, his ex has recently got engaged to, and is about to move in with, a very wealthy partner. Her spending has increased massively and she has a new wardrobe, DSD has been bought loads of things and taken on lots of trips. She has also bought her a very expensive pedigree pet and recently took her on a 3 week holiday abroad.
Now, DP really struggled with what to do, it's not a case of "well another man can take on my responsibilities now" but more a case of that he paid way over the odds (we're talking hundreds) for so long because he felt that his DD's need was greater than ours - and I would agree. But now it is not.

He has decided to reduce the amount to the proper CSA amount. He will continue to pay for half of everything DD needs as well as have her at our house for the same nights as currently.

He told his ex and all hell has broken loose, she has gone beserk and now we have DSD emailing him about what a useless waste of space he is and how she hates him for doing this to her mother etc etc. Really nasty stuff (she's 12)
I know he doesn't want to back down and is certain he is in the right. But it's breaking his heart that his DD feels this way about him.
DSD has also told him she knows it is me that has made him do this and hates me too. (not true) I've always just supported what ever his decisions have been.
Help!

Were they married or not? And was there any legal agreement or was this informal?

And legal may be better for advice on Maintenance side of things- my view on dsd is you need to rise above it and try to maintain contact despite her reaction (you can get dp to say its between him and ex and that will always love take care of dsd)

Hi, Can I ask how your dh went about introducing the change - we had a similar situation with DH's ex but DH did introduce the need for the change over a long period of time..he also gave indications as to what the maintenance payments would be and was genuine in his attempt to have a dialogue. He also gave a timeframe for the change so that his ex had time to adjust. His ex still didn't react well however it soon settled down and now I think both parties are happy with the the CSA formulae as a way to determine support.

It's completely inappropriate for the ex to bring the child into this - that is awful behaviour and damaging to the child. I do however think he will need to find someway to communciate with the ex and try to see why she has reacted so strongly, could it be the timeframe? Does the ex have specific concerns i.e does DSD have activities that are especially costly?

It's fair for him to bring about a change in finances as no one in life can be guaranteed a fixed income and circumstances do mean we often have to adjust our life style.
His response to his daughter should be factual -clarify what she had heard (she may not have the whole story) and he should be reassuring - assuring her that she will still be supported and loved and that your DH & ex will work out arrangements so that she is being taken care of.

We never wanted to discuss finances with DSS however DH's ex told him that DH had stopped paying. It was completely untrue and DH had to tell DSS what contribution he made - DSS was shocked that the figure was still so high and also hurt that his mum had lied to him.

Hi there, there is a legal agreement but it was high as his ex needed time to get back on her feet as she was a stay at home mum for a while. He didn't want to leave her having to get a job with no money initially. It's been 5 years now so time enough as she has qualifications etc that mean she can work if she wants to.

It's not legal advice that I need as I know he can legally do this.

smum he has said it will come in to force in 2 months time. She will be living with her partner by then. DSD doesnt have any activities. She has no abnormal expenses and dp pays for half of school uniform, essential coats, shoes, and a wardrobe/ toilettries etc for the time she is at our house. He also does all the driving.

He did ask her why she has reacted so badly and she said because the amount he pays her doesn't quite cover her rent and she feels he should be paying her rent at least as it's his fault he left them...

We have just picked dsd up and shes brought some friends round with her for a sleepover. shes being okay but really attitudy and keeps asking me for money. D P wants to talk to her but doesnt know what to say or how. He's cringing at the fact she's involved in it. It's not really appropriate is it... he looks miserable bless him.

this is very difficult and I sympathise. We too have had the same issue but in slightly different guise, but in short DH has always paid over and above what the CSA would suggest as they settled by court agreement, and at a time when he earnt an awful lot more than he later did. He stuck by the court agreement till one of the two children came to live with us. Now no money changes sides.

However, we too had years of DH's ex telling the children that my DH never paid "anything" or "bare minimum" and used to tell us that the money he paid (several hundred pounds a month) wouldnt even cover the cost of feeding the children, which is nonsense. She used to tell the children too that we were spending all "her" money on going on holiday and living in a big (i.e. my) house whilst they were living "in poverty". All I would say is after years of this they now know the situation as they are older and they realise their mum has lied to them for years. She should never ever have involved them in the finances. The fact is, if there are now two households rather than one, there is just less money to go round. Hopefully your DSD will forget about this and move on in time as aged 12 things change quickly in their lives. I wouldnt worry yourself, stick to your guns and ignore. There is nothing they can do and I am sure the ex will not start withholding access as she obviously enjoys having time without her DD and time to spend with her new partner. Good luck!

Thanks ladydeedy, I will tell DP that it can happen that the kids see the truth in the end. Not that I particularly want DSD to know what a lier her mum is - I shouldn't imagine that would feel very nice.
It is stupid to involve children in finances though, they have such little concept of what living costs actually are.

I think DPs ex thinks that DSD agreeing with her somehow makes her claims more credible... err she's 12 and worships the ground you walk on (rightly so) she's hardly a reliable ambassador!

She spent last night bullying my DD and being generally nasty to everyone. I gave her that time (removing DD from the situation of course) but if it continues today then DP and I will be having words with her.

Its hard to draw the line between feeling sorry for her as she's so young with so much on her shoulders - and teaching her that her behaviour is unacceptable.

Yes, we had this situation - DH's ex did believe DH should pay all her costs as he left her (after she had affairs). I find it hard to get my head around how one grown adult expects another adult to pay all their living costs. I also believe I'm fortunate to have my dc's with me on a full time basis and I recognise that I need to support them. I don't expect my ex to fund all their living costs either as I know he has costs to provide a room etc when they are with them.

I do think you need to be firm but loving with your SD if she is acting rudely - she maybe confused and feeling angry, you can help her understand her feelings, but she does need to be told that poor behaviour isn't acceptable.

You do sound a lovely family and I'm sure you will get through this. As ladyleedy says time will help to resolve this.

I, unfortunately have no advice but will be watching this thread with interest as my DH and I are in a similar situation at the moment. We pay well over what would be enforced by the CSA and after a change in circumstances on his ex's part, she suggested he reduce the money. However, a few months later when he tried to discuss it with her she said it would be grossly unfair on her. So we're left in limbo and my DH is an anything for a quiet life kind of guy!

Your dh could sit your dsd down and explain that if she wants to get involved with adult fights then she will be in for a lot of heartache and she will end up despising both her parent. It is far better that she doesn't get between her parents who have a problem atm - that can be sorted and he can asure her that he will always act within the law and do the right thing. If she doesn't want to beleive that he will do the moral right thing then that is your choice.

leave it there say no more and if she has any questions - you don't answer, just say not answering and not going to Involve you its up to you whether you want to Involve yourself with your mother but I am not Involving you and never will.

By not involving her it should give her peace at one end and hopefully she will get fed up with her mother rattling on

MJ - you are fabulous (not that any of the other posters who are helping me aren't

I didn't even consider that. Can I mention that to DSD or is bringing her mum's benefits in to it a bit crass...?

Looking at ivykaty's advice, that may be better than involving DSD... Oh damn it - what a flippin ball ache!

DSD was being mean to my DD this weekend which was pretty hard. Her dad has told her he wants to discuss what has happened when they are alone (she had 2 friends for a sleepover this weekend) but she just said - I don't want to talk about it..

I don't want to talk about it..

the famous teen saying for when they have given belly ache and don't like the thought of any belly ache in return - tis the only time they want to give without receiving

at ivykaty- the trouble is the whole business of sorting out parental arrangements gets mixed up with general teenage life and the desire ro make it as much like plot of hollyhocks, Waterloo road etc as you can.

Think you are right to separate maintenance issue from how you interact with dsd -ivykaty e's advice excellent.

Ha ha you have just reminded me that my mum used to say "oh your not watching that awful Hollyhocks again are you?" and i used to get really annoyesd that she deliberately said it wrong thinking it was funny. God parents are annoying hey

I think you are right though, I heard DSd telling her two friends (whose parents are together) about how unfair it all was and it was all sooo dramatic and sounded scripted. It's like they enjoy the drama!

Funny isn't it MJ.. When DSD is talking about her mother's poverty she seems to forget about the 3 week USA holiday, the pedigree dog, (£700!) and the designer make up/ perfume/ new clothes etc..