Thank you for the replies ? I didn't think anyone would get all the way through my long and rather glum post! We've been busy for a few days ? sorry not to have replied sooner.
UC, thank you for your post ? so many helpful insights and tips in there. I have How To Talk ? and was thinking of getting Siblings Without Rivalry, not least because DP's children fight even if my DS isn't in the frame. Sounds as though getting it (and reading it!) could be a good plan. The tricky thing is finding the time to read these books in the busyness of it all. I'm about 50 pages into Parachute; DP has just started reading it on the loo. And I have a good relationships book I'm working through, and which I'd like DP to read too; it would be good to read it together. We're the glue in all this ? if we don?t work, nothing does. But it's finding the time.
I do think I'm fair with the children, and often feel I am too negative with DS when DP's children are here: DS gets edgier and becomes his least reasonable, and I get firm with him ? and then feel my interactions with him are biased towards the negative. This isn't how I want our weekends together to be at all, defined by his worst behaviour and my coming down hard on him, but if he's unsettled/unhappy with DP's children around, and then his behaviour worsens because of this, I can't ignore it; he needs disciplining all the same.
I am trying to make it feel as though it is the home of all six of us, although it is my house (and I suppose it feels like my/DS's territory), and I've lived in it with just DS for four years, so I can't shake off this sense of ownership overnight ? and won't entirely, because I have every intention of retaining it as my property (i.e not jointly owning it).
Before they all moved in, I set up a shoe shelf in the porch for each of them, a box for their school bags/gloves/hats ? and labelled them. The little one is too young to get it, the middle one's pretty good, but the older two (my DS and DP's eldest) are pretty rubbish with putting their stuff away as they come in. They all need to be nagged to tidy their stuff up ? they all leave toys all over the place ? and they all often change in the living room and leave whatever clothes they?re changing out of (pyjamas, uniform, etc) on the floor/sofa. They all leave their breakfast dishes out on the table. I'm used to clearing up after just one, but I'm really feeling the hike to four lots! And I suppose it highlights the importance of DS having to pull his weight more.
DP's kids' bath toys are still sat in the bath from three nights ago ... DP is messy too. Things get dumped in the hall/lounge and sit there for days. I've tried talking with DP. He says that he's been busy getting wood for the fire for us all ? which he has. He is chief woodsman (and he really does make a massive contribution to the household by sourcing and chopping up free wood), and I am chief grocery shopper/cook. I don't mind the latter. I tolerate the former. But I hate constantly clearing up the kitchen. I don't want to be doing this on my own most of the time, especially now there are more of us and there's more stuff to clear up. And even if we have a lot of wood to get in or whatever, I don't want mess lingering for days; I want people to be able to pop in and me not feel embarrassed/ashamed.
I'm inclined to be messy too, and I hate this tendency in myself and have to work at keeping it under control (and I do fail) ? and so I feel completely out of control when other people are adding to the mess, too! It feels overwhelming.
Yes, DP and I do need to set some rules. We keep meaning to do that with the children. It's finding a moment to do it (the toddler demands so much attention, which makes this harder).
As for feeling like a team: I don't really. Not at the moment. Things have felt so much better. But at the moment, I feel our "emotional bank account" as a couple is so low that the tiniest remark can carry so much weight. I was stacking wood today and DP moved a few bits around on my pile, and I was so cross! I felt undermined. It feels like we can't weather the odd little thing like this at the moment. He still wants sex. I need to feel more connected to be having it, otherwise I'm ending up feeling used.
For this to work, we do need to reunite as a team. You're right. I'll read up on this in Parachute. (By the way, DP isn't Disney-style with his parenting. He's pretty fair and good fun, really.)
DP has spoken to school about his eldest's behaviour, and to his eldest himself. What DP really struggles with ? and what his eldest craves ? is one-to-one time with each of his children. The toddler monopolises his time, simply because toddlers are demanding. And while his eldest would benefit from more one-to-one time with his dad, this isn't easy when you're not with the children's other biological parent, and you can each rotate having quality time with one child at a time. When he has his children, he's (pretty much) on his own, with me helping a bit here and there (especially with the practical stuff like cooking meals). I think DP finds this tough; he'd like to give more time to his eldest, and it would probably help his behaviour.
UC, I am really pleased that your situation has improved so much - for your sake, but also because it's encouraging for me, that it can get better from feeling this ropy.
RandomMess ? yes, good point about making sure all their stuff has a home. We're getting there with this, but aren't completely there yet. Not all my stuff has a home! ? and I really don't expect the place to be perfect. It rarely has been immaculate. But this would help with keeping fairly tidy and organised.
As for routine, and enforcing rules about tidying up, we struggle with this (not least because we haven't set hard-and-fast rules yet!) because every day is different: some days, it's just DS (who has a later bedtime and a bedtime routine with me that's different from DP's kids' routine); some days it's all four of them (and DP's eldest, who is a lark and will get up at 5am ? or earlier ? and who believes, being the oldest, that he should go to bed latest); some days, some/all of us are eating elsewhere (grandparents) and don't get back until bath time or later ? and every weekend is different. This makes scheduling a regular tidying slot difficult. And it will only work if DP and I are keeping our stuff tidy too. I don't know how we'll tackle this.
We rarely let the kids play out of sight/earshot. We'd been eating all together last week and the kids (we thought) happily took themselves off to play and we dared to mutter something like, "This is encouraging ?" ? and it all ended in tears. And sick. So we will continue to police them as we have been.
As for food, I've suggested DP cooks more for his DC when they're here. I don't mind doing the grocery shopping. But I don't like cooking decent food and it not being touched (or discreetly dropped on the floor, as DP's middle ? and fussiest ? DC is given to doing). I'm not used to it with DS, who eats most stuff, and I find it demoralising.
SingingTunelessly ? living apart wasn't sustainable because DP was becoming exhausted. He was getting so tired being up with his DC on the nights he has them, then coming over to me for a night, and squeezing in (very) late-at-night grocery shops and packing overnight bags to come here on the nights he needed to flop and recover from two broken nights. That's why it didn't work. (Where he was living before, we couldn't go over to stay with him ? and I have my DS with me most of the time anyway.)
theredhen ? thanks for your empathy. I really value this. No one else in my circle of friends/community is attempting to make a set-up like this work, and it can feel isolating. Although lots of people have said, "Blimey! THREE extra kids! You're brave! And how is your DS coping?" I seem to have experienced a delay in realising the magnitude of what I'm taking on! I'm constantly thinking about it at the moment ? sometimes fantasising about being free and single and having sole responsibility for the state of the house and having lots of chilled time with DS and getting a dog ? and sometimes thinking that DP is a lovely person - a good man - and worth making a go of this with ? and sometimes thinking I'm being ungrateful and unreasonable and unkind to have negative thoughts about DP/his children/this arrangement. It's reassuring to know that actually, it's a huge undertaking and potentially very stressful, and lots of these feelings are pretty normal and human. You make it sound so OK to be feeling this way ? so I don't feel quite so guilty now!
Yes, I do feel a real sadness not to be having another child of my own. DP has said that he wouldn't take much persuading, and he is a lovely dad ? so good with his DC. But even if it's possible for me to have another child with him, I have to be realistic: at the moment, there's barely enough time/money between us for the four we collectively have ? and if our relationship is struggling as it is, how would a fifth help?! I do feel sad, though; I feel as though I'm grieving some of the time, because I see him putting all this effort and energy and love into children that aren't mine, and I wish instead we could have met earlier and had a child together. In the current scenario, this just seems like a crazy idea, and as such, by staying together, I'm likely to be choosing to forfeit having another child, which saddens me sometimes.
I'm so sorry to hear your situation isn't working out, theredhen. But it sounds as though you're getting few positives out of the arrangement. I keep thinking to myself that for this living arrangement to justify itself, we have both ? all ? got to be getting a lot out of mine and DP's relationship; there have got to be enough positives of being together to outweigh the challenges of all the children. At times it's felt as though we have been plenty strong enough, but at the moment it doesn't; we're clashing over housework, point-scoring over who's done this and that, we're cooler with each other, and we're clashing over the children. And we have so little time for us.
I need to talk some more with DP about all this ? maybe show him this thread. I think he needs to understand how much of a big deal it is for me and DS for him and his DC to have all moved in with us - not to feel guilty about it, but to be able to be understanding with me when I find it overwhelming. And no matter how busy life gets, we have to prioritise us as a couple, and find ways to tackle problems together, otherwise something so challenging as this isn't going to work.
theredhen, I hope either that your set-up changes for the better ? and soon ? or that you're able to make the move to going solo again. If your DP doesn't really care if you're happy or not, as long as you're around, that's bloody awful, and you ? and DS ? will ultimately be much better off as a team just the two of you. Wishing you happiness.