Might seem trivial but...

[Seraphina1]

My DH and I have his three DSC (16 14 and 11) twice a week including all weekend. A problem is developing which is taking over our lives..and it is so trivial (or not..clearly)..

Its all about who sits in the middle of the back seat when we go on car journeys when there are the five of us...yes..I know..!!

The 14 yo DSD makes an extreme fuss about it. She actually rarely sits in the middle herself funnily enough. Because a) she finds keys, goes out of the house, in advance, often twenty mins before and plonks herself by one of the windows and refuses to move. b) she works out a strategy which means that the last journey ect ect ect she went in the middle (never true) if all this has failed and she has to sit in the middle she c) has a raging tantrum, crying and screaming and wont get into the car at all. The other two just end up having to give in to her for a quiet life.

The same thing is happening at BM's (who is RP). To the extent that mum has to sit in the back to keep the peace. CRAZY!! The other two DSC (16 and 11) are now ganging up on her as she is so demanding and obnoxius about the whole thing, and of course they wind her up. The whole thing is going in this mad cycle and from this, the whole relationship betwen the three of them is breaking down. It has been going on for years but has really heightened over the past six months.

It is so bad, that tonight she called my DH and had a TEN MINUTE convo with him about where she was sitting on the way up and on the way back from a trip with BM (BM has a DP so there are five of them as well). It was disclosed that BM actually thought about spending £300 on train tickets for the five of them to avoid the tantrums.

I know that this is probably indicative of a LOT of other problems with her- starting with middle child syndrome. But I think little steps..and I want to tackle this one first.

My DH is against a rota as he says that she will argue with that. It's not terrible teens as this has been going on for some time and she has apparently been prone to tantrums and awkwardness forever. I have witnessed her demanding behaviour many times but this takes the cake. She is a very immature 14, not started periods ect.

Can anyone think of a way to sort it, if not, cope with it?

In the great scheme of things it seems trivial but it is a source of real conflict with the kids and I want to do something now..Apart from getting a 7 seater (when she would argue about some other seating arrangement, no doubt). I lost my rag completely and shamefully a couple of months ago with her as we had just taken them on a very expensive holiday and at the airport she stood there screaming, refusing to get in the car all because it was her turn to sit in the middle on the journey home. If anyone saw a mad lady at Gatwick airport car park screaming about "starving and abused children who have nothing would give their right arm to sit in the middle on the way home from a lovely holiday.." that was me!!

PS Have tried detatch detach detach..it worked til Gatwick..and I am still seething!!

Month by month. Jan LHS, Feb Middle, March RHS

Yes you are right - it is about the bigger issue, but sometimes you have to tackle the small ones first!

... and if you want to feel a bit better about GatwickGate... I probably would have said 'Get in the fucking car NOW you ungrateful little brat and if I hear one more word about it, I will stop the car and you will make your own way home'. I do not do stroppy kids - of any age .

Chipping,

LOL thanks. I WILL try the monthly rota. I will get DH to see if mum will buy into it too as she is at her wits end by the sound of it.

If you see a less mad lady, child free at Gatwick in January, going yippeee in her cozzie and ten pairs of spanxs pants..its me! My lovely DP is taking me to the carribbean to say thanks for being a tolerant step mum.

..now..where shall I sit? No, that's not fair..I want the window seat..NO..I sat in the aisle last time..why do I always have to..booo hoooo..whhhhahhh..gimme a gin...thanks, that's better.

That sounds like an actual holiday

Hmmmm, if she wants to discuss it for twenty mins about who sits where, just calmly ( hard I know when they're pushing all your buttons) that it's irrelevant and you sit on x side for this month as suggested above. Also, hide bloody car keys do she can't go and sit in the car.

Also, and maybe harsh here, if she refuses to get in the car, either threaten and follow through with something like if you're not in the car by the time I count to
Three you will lose your mobile phone all weekend, or something like for every minute you waste my time with this, you will lose five minutes off tv/laptop/ go to bed earlier (insert whatever is most important to her) and stand her out at it. Just make sure you arrange to leave early the first time as she won't believe you will stick her out and you could end up just stood there for ten minutes.

Good luck!!

What LovingChristmas said. If she won't co-operate then she damn well gets punished for her brattiness. Am not surprised other two are peed off with her, but then it seems so far if she has enough of a tantrum she gets her own way - both at yours and at her mum's. She's basically calling all the shots and needs to be pulled down a peg or two because she's NOT more important than either of the other two children. Of course she's going to argue against a rota, because she seems to think she has more right to get her own way than anyone else ... well, tough you know what. It almost sounds like both her parents are a bit scared of her what with mum climbing in the back to keep the peace and dad refusing to try to implement a rota.

I'd also be extremely tempted to film her having a tantrum and post it up on FB for all to see. Yeah, sounds childish I know but maybe the threat of doing this might be enough to stop it.

Have to say with DSS we only ever had to do the waste one minute you
Lose five thing twice, both with going to bed earlier, and because he damn well went to the minute of what he wasted, he knew we were serious. I only have to mention it now, he doesn't hold out ten seconds

Also agree with monthly rota as suggested by chipping, stops the "four journeys ago I sat in the middle, and I know it was only two mins to the shop, but now the 100 mile trip isn't my turn).

Thanks all

Loving, you hit the nail on the head regarding the rota..this is what DH said, it might just cause more arguments. But I think that Chipping might have just solved it with the monthly one.

I have been detatching..guilty....even though I have wanted to get involved with all that you have said and more. DH and mum have got themselves in a right pickle as, yes Cats..they are cow towing to the one that makes the most fuss and just giving in for a quiet life. As for filming her..don't tempt me. I would never post it, but show her it back at some later stage and find out what she thinks.

She can be lovely, helpful round the house and gets on very well with me (I have tried to be her "special friend") that's the sad thing. Jekyll and Hyde..

I'd take her aside when you announce the rota and explain it's solely because of her behaviour. Tell her it's happening whether she likes it or not. I'd then offer the chance to talk about why it's so important to her. Don't try and have the 2nd conversation but tell her you will listen when she is ready to talk about it.

I'd also prepare for resistence by making contingency plans for when she has her tantrums. Contingency being an alternative plan for leaving her at home if she argues at all about sitting in the middle. No ifs buts maybe or any compromise but a firm refusal to a) let her sit anywhere else and b) tantrum and affect others. Make her the one that is affected most

Seraphina, you are not alone! You've just described my 3 DSCs, except it's the eldest that's throwing her weight around. I steer well clear; DH is adept at handling the situation, although it sometimes involves a retort similar to Chipping's, plus threats of no friends coming to visit or removal of the mobile. He doesn't tolerate more than 2 min of 'conversation' on the topic. The main problem is the fighting that breaks out in the car, depending on who's sitting next to who, so that usually dictates who is told to sit where.

We have relented and just got a 7 seater, partly because we can now fit their friends in too, which makes for a much more peaceful weekend all round. But the car is so big they can't actually reach each other to fight.

The idea of taking it turns in months is brilliant and I love the video idea - absolutely priceless! Not sure we'd resort to FB, but threat of an airing at the next family gathering would be enough.

monthly rota! brilliant!

We had (have) slightly different issue. When I began dating DH, DSD threw fits over not getting to sit up front any longer. But there was no way I was sitting in the back so a 13 year-old could have the front seat! She gave up eventually and now sits in the back without comment when I am there. But she still "gets" the front seat if she goes out with DH and DSS. I think it's a bit crap, she is quite small in size, while DSS is taller than DH and has long legs yet always has to be cramped in the back. I just don't think the 'older child' claim applies anymore...she is 16...he is 14...annoys me more than it should maybe because she gets all the privileges and "first dibs" on everything over DSS. Couldn't they take turns? And if they are adults and visit, will she still assume the front seat over DSS? Does it end sometime?

sorry - rant over.

Same problems here. Dsd4 always tries to bag the front seat If there is only one adult in the car. I know their mum does the week by week system and I think it's a good idea although you are bound to get the kids counting the miles each week to see if they are getting a fair deal!

Make them draw lots. Loser sits in the boot.

I just want to say I hope you have an absolutely fantastic holiday in the Caribbean. It's great that you have a husband who really appreciates you! I have one too - it's great! Enjoy every minute of it! and have a rum and coke for me please...!

I would treat this as a toddler tantrum and sanction the poor behaviour.Agree a sensible rota (maybe monthly) and then agree the punishments for not cooperating. At 14 she should be learning to manage her negative emotions in a positive way. Life sometimes gives us situations we don't like..how we handle and respond is important not how we manipulate people to avoid those situations.

I've used a range of sanctions on teens, lack of mobile phone, lack of internet (if you use wireless at home you can just disable her access), reduction in pocket money etc..All very effective.

Great to hear that you can co parent - the DCs are very fortunate if all the adults are able to work together.

In our family, youngest child sits in the middle. If there is only one adult in the car, oldest child present gets to sit in the front (regardless of leg length). But we've always done it like this, so they know better than to argur much against years of tradition.

Thanks again all,

Big set back this weekend as massive tantrum from her..nothing to do with cars and seats but general obnoxious stuff and being awkward then screaming and crying when she gets removed from the scene.. cries when she wins a hollister top on ebay..were we EVER like this??..and there's no Jim to write to fix it any more!! :(

Someone needs to have a proper chat to her and find out what the problem really is. This is all 'not normal' for a girl of her age, it's really not. Could you make a few appointments with a counsellor as she doesn't seem to want to talk to any of her parents :(