Lots of questions!!

[olibeansmummy]

SS's mum stopped contact over a year ago (contact was shakey ever since ds was born). Basically she tried to play games and when they back fired she said ss didn't want to come to us and if dh wanted to see him he would have to go through a solicitor.

Well, today she has been in touch, totally out of the blue, saying ss's behaviour is out of control and it's all dh's fault and he needs to do something about it.

Well that's fine of course, we're glad she's allowing him to come back, but I'm a lot bit nervous.

Firstly, we have decided to get ss a phone to communicate with him directly so as not to have any communication with her, and therefore no chance for arguments, games and so ss doesn't get to hear things from her second hand.
I've found 2 great deals, on pay as you go and one on a capped contract which gives a better phone and ss will not be able to go over his minutes/texts. BUT it's a 2 year contract. What would you go for for your 11 year old sc/bc?

Now to the more important things. Ss went to high school this year and that SCARES me lol. He doesn't seem like a child anymore. What do 11 year olds actually like to DO?! Will he still want to do day trips or will he be a grumpy pre-teen?

Also, in the past DH has relied on me heavily to do the parenting of ss. I was completely taken for granted by DH, ss mum and ss himself and always stuck in the middle, trying to do the best for everyone and eventually had to take a step back, which was hard for everyone. This time I know I need to set ground rules straight away to allow myself to stay detatched {recites mumsnet mantra}, but how do I do this without appearing to not want ss to come back? And how strict should I be with the ground rules?

Lastly, you'll be pleased to know, how do I reintroduce ds (2.5) to his half brother who he won't remember? Also, how do we ensure ss feels at home and is not jealous of ds? Last time there were some issues with ss hiding ds's things and then miraculously finding them (an attention thing we think and we just ignored the fact that whatever it was was lost and gave praise for things like playing nicely). This would be much more upsetting for ds now and we'd rather ss didn't feel he needs to do this.

Hiya - I'm afraid that I don't have any advice for you and I'm not even going to try to answer your questions because my background hasn't given me the right experience to be any use to you at all (my SKids are 5 & 8), but I didn't want your post to go unanswered. I'm sure that more useful MNetters will be along soon!

Not sure I can give much useful advice on the children, I'm still learning myself! But it sounds like you are thinking about the right things.

On the phones however, I'd suggest the PAYG. Children don't need anything more than text and calls (they will of course disagree!) and a 2 year contract is a long time; my DSD and friends' children seem to lose and break their phones regularly and phone insurance is ridiculously expensive. Not sure how the contract works that you've found, but I would be concerned that you may be left paying a contract but with no phone.

Having a low spec phone also means you can buy him a better phone later if you want, but it won't need to upgrade to a phone with internet access (data package/internet access = bad idea for an 11yo in my view).

Thanks guys :) turns out he already has a phone and ss's mum has given DH the number so they can contact each other directly. This is good, but it would have been nice to buy him one as a nice present to make him feel welcome. Any ideas for something else an 11 year old boy might like? If the phone he has turns out to be rubbish though we can always get him a new one for christmas :)

The contract is on tesco mobile. You can get a free HTC wildfire, 250 mins, 5000 texts and 500mb internet for £15 a month which you can cap to prevent you going over this amount, while we would have to spend £10 on credit. Am thinking of getting one myself instead of the new I phone when my contract runs out next month as would save £££s but i don't know if i'd miss my i phone too much!

My advice would be to leave the phone issue well alone if he has one already. It will just cause upset if you try and change what his mum has arranged already.
The comments of his mother sound very familiar to me - restrict access and then when things go wrong suddenly it's the dad's problem. Sigh...
Either way, it's great that contact is (hopefully) going to be restored at a good level. I would avoid trying to make up for the lost time and trying to spoil him, just continue as normal and hopefully things will settle down without too much drama. Good luck.

Thanks ladies. Well ds cane yesterday and it was all fine, like he'd never been away. He was happy playing with ds with his toy cars and stuff then we had tea and they watched cars together on the i pad. No signs of any behaviour issues ( not that I think he doesn't have them but or that they couldn't happen with us) so it was all good :)

good news!

My 11 year old enjoys:

• playing on his computer/Wii/etc - He is unhappy at present about having no use of a computer at his Dad's - you might have views as to how long he should be allowed to use it, but most 11 year old boys very much enjoy computer games.
• meeting up with friends - more difficult if going to a different house at the weekend, but once at secondary school they start to sort their own social lives out a bit, so if you're not too far away you might be able to help him do this
• day trips out (sometimes!) - I don't think they're really too old at this age - zoos, parks, etc are all still an attraction. And great if you can find something that your DS would like too.
• messing around with stuff in the garden or kitchen - mostly this makes a mess, but sometimes he follows recipes and bakes cakes, etc.

Great to hear he's enjoyed being back for the weekend. Good luck!