SD Pregnant

[Mico62]

SD (20) got married in the summer to someone she got engaged to 6wks after meeting and spent the next 2 yrs planning the day. I was made to feel as welcome as a smelly fart by members of his ex's family and the aftermath almost broke us up.

She's just announced she's pregnant and I'm to be known as Grandma - this was said between fits of giggles so I can only imagine the conversation she's had with her mum.

She barely acknowledges my presence so her child can call me by my first name, I'll leave all variations of grandmother for when my children have kids.

Since the wedding they've done nothing but fight and this was DH's biggest fear but he spent an hour on the phone with her last night discussing names and planning the christening - ffs she's only 5 wks.

As my friend says daughter trumps 2nd wife and once there's a grandchild ...

Has anyone else been in this position, what did you do?

I'm not in your situation as my dsd's are much too young at the moment. I am a Granny though and I can tell you that I decided myself what I wanted my own grandchildren to call me and I wouldn't be told something like that by anyone else - not even my own children!

It's entirely up to you what relationship you have with this child and what you will be called. I would make your feelings known now - especially as she is not treating you very well.

And I'm afraid you may be right with your last comment - I have long since realised that I am bottom of the food chain in this family!

Wow OP - you sound really negative (sorry if I'm reading that wrong). I'm sorry you've had a hard time with your stepdaughter but perhaps you could see this baby as your DH's beloved grandchild and do your best to feel excited?

Of course your DH is on the phone to his daughter being happy for her, even at 5wks pregnant. That is just being a nice person and good parent.

I was never particularly close to my stepmum but since I had my DS, I've actually reconsidered our relationship. My SM is only a few years older than me so while I was pregnant, I found the idea of calling her "granny" a bit weird.

But after I had my DS, she was so loving to him, really sharing in my affection for him and making a fuss of him that I actually found it easy to think of her as his granny.

Since then, she has always treated him like she could not love him more if he were her own blood. And as a result, I have entirely changed my relationship with her. I now think how lucky my DS is to have an extra granny to love him. She could not have chosen a better way to win me over.

My own mother has a step-granddaughter too. She isn't particularly close to her step-daughter as they have very different values but they unite over their affection for the little girl.

Maybe this could be a turning point in your relationship with your SD?

I was also going to add: will not the baby calling you granny give you a significant, valid role in the family? From reading your post, you say you have not felt welcome at all by the wider family. This could be the chance to change that, perhaps?

Ruby I hope you're right for DH's sake more than anything but the way she said granny I know there's a hidden agenda. Over the years I've had to stand by and watch his ex and children manipulate and undermine him.

On the day of his mum's funeral SD phoned and told him what he had to pay for her wedding, when he said he couldn't afford that much but it wasn't the time to discuss the wedding she refused to speak to him for months. Needless to say he paid up but didn't get a thank you (getting us into debt although I still don't know how much he gave her). He didn't have any say in who was invited - she refused to invite any of his family while her mum invited friends, colleagues and every distant cousin she could track down.

I can't tell you how many strangers told me I was a disgrace for attending even though I had nothing to do with the breakdown of her parents' marriage. Unfortunately for us our marriage hasn't recovered enough for me to cope with a similar situation

Sorry to hear things are so bad. Obviously there is no excuse for people being so rude to you at the wedding. I hope your DH said: "Sorry, you must be mistaken. I think it's lovely that DD's whole family including her stepmum could be here on such an important day."

It does sound like your SD is immature but then she is 20. Even though she has got married and is pregnant, she is still young and clearly a bit selfish to ring up and ask for money on the day of her gran's funeral. But maybe she got so huffy because she was actually upset about her gran too and when her dad didn't want to talk about the wedding, she got all sensitive? I am not trying to excuse her behaviour, just think of reasons why she is being so odd. After all, if she is your DH's daughter and you love him, she will always be in his life.

I know you said that the granny thing might have been meant in a weird way, but perhaps you could ignore that and externally embrace it. It is really disheartening for people when you don't get riled or annoyed by their snide behaviour.

And surely this would also male DH happy as it is very hard to watch your partner/child clash? (I know this as I put my mother/first stepfather through a lot of hell back when I was a teen and it really put so much stress on my mum.)

Sorry if I'm not being very helpful. Having been through just about every step-parent situation going, I just hope you can work it out because your DH will have a grandchild soon and it would be much nicer for you if this was a positive thing. Good luck.

make DH happy, of course, not 'male'...

I said what I wanted my MIL known by by my children and she just took no notice and got her own way.