I really want to support DH with this, but ……….

[Petal02]

You all know the details of my frustration over the ?set in stone? access rota for my 17yr old SS. DH and I had another big row over it last weekend, and DH made it very clear that the rota will remain in place until SS goes to Uni, and that I don?t have any input into the arrangements. SS has just started his A levels at college, and I told DH that I can?t comprehend another two years of providing structured ?Butlins-style? entertainment from Thurs 4pm-Sun 6pm alternate weekends, as it?s just getting more and more bizarre given SS?s age.

DH won?t budge on this, and whilst I disagree strongly with him, he won?t be moved on the issue, and I?ve had to let the matter drop. Although I know I won?t be able to bite my tongue indefinitely, and this will definitely blow up again sooner or later.

Anyway ? fast forward to last night ??? DH mentioned that there a Careers Evening at SS?s college next week, DH wants to attend, and would like me to come too. Also, there is some paperwork to be completed for a special course SS wants to attend next month, DH can?t get his head round the forms, so he asked if I?d help.

My first reaction is that yes, of course I?ll help/support DH with these things ? I?m his wife and obviously I want to back him up. But this morning, a little voice in my head is asking why me I?m happy to help with the ?support? elements of SS, when I?m given no voice in any decision-making part of step-parenting.

Thinking about it, I?m always deemed ?appropriate? when it comes to cooking, cleaning. laundry, etc for SS and if I occasionally slip him an extra £20 or so, then DH is fine about it. Because we?re ?a family unit?. But when it comes to other things, I seem to be ?de-selected? from the unit, and my opinion doesn?t count at all.

It?s like I?m ?on the team? when it suits, but for other things I?m definitely ?on the bench.? Am I just being particularly grumpy because it?s Monday, or is it unfair of DH to include/exclude me from ?the team? depending on what sort of issue we?re dealing with?

I will definitely attend the Careers Evening, and I will also help the college paperwork, but given the ?butt out? attitude I get regarding the access rota, I feel like a mug over the college stuff.

To be honest, I think I must be missing something here??

You have your SS to stay every other weekend, from thursday evening to sunday evening, and you're cross as you have no input in when he comes to stay? But your DH wants your help with filling in forms and college issues?

Is your problem that SS is 17 now and therefore you don't feel that 'at his age' he should be coming to stay every other weekend any more, if so why should't he? Should he have finished his GCSE's and buggered off?

From my own personal experience, I think you should be glad that your husband is able to have such a good relationship with his son, my own DP spent 17 thousand pounds and 18 months fighting through the courts to see his 2 daughters and has nothing to show for it, he hasn't seen his youngest daughter for 12 months and his older one for 6 months. It breaks his heart as his only crime was not being able to love their mother anymore. We are hoping to emigrate to Australia in the near future, one of the reasons being that his children live very close to us, and it would hurt him greatly to walk past them in the street and have them ignore him. On the other hand, my ex walked out of our children's lives without so much as a backward glance and hasn't seen our children since last year, it is also almost impossible to get maintenance from him!

Making it hard (insisting on different times that SS should come to visit) is only going to make your problems worse, if you don't want to be part of these weekends then maybe you could arrange to do something different durning those times?

I want DH to have a good relationship with his son, I still want SS to come and visit (after all, I still see my parents) but it's the strict rota that I struggle with. And the fact that life grinds to a halt when SS is with us. I just wish things could be a bit more flexible, I'm not trying to reduce the time that DH/SS spend together.

Why 'butlins style' entertainment? surely at that age he just gets on with what he wants to do? You need to stop seeing your DSS as a visitor, this is as much his home as his morthers house, if it's not, that's a failing with you and your DH. Why is it visiting? Why isn't it, DSS being at his dad's rather than his mums'?

I'm also confused why DSS's career choices evening need to be a family outing, does your DH think DSS's career is a family decision?

Oh, seen you say life grinds to a halt, I'd just still plan to do whatever I'd do if he was there or not, he can fit in or do his own thing. (Surely he sleeps until 2pm Sat and Sunday and spends Friday and Saturday night out trying to look old enough to be served, so you have most the weekend to yourselves anyway...)

Lydia - if only this were true! SS doesn't socialise, go out etc, so DH tries to make the visits as fun as possible, hence the Butlins-style entertainment.

To the PPs There's a lot of a back-story here. The idea has always been that SS now being 17 should be able to come and go a bit more freely. In this case the access rota is adhered to to such a degree that SS comes to visit even if his Dad is out all weekend.

This isn't about seeing his Dad, its about coming over at the same time for the same length of time rigidly at the expense of everything else. The strict adherence to the rota has meant the SS missing things like getting a Saturday job or doing regular clubs as he'd rather sit in an empty house rather than change the rota.

By the time my DSD was 17 she was coming and going as she pleased. Sometimes we saw more of her, sometimes less, but the idea was that at her age she could make and chose her own visitation to suit her social life, boyfriend and work.

Petal, I can understand your frustration completely, but this isn't the first time that your DH has called on you when needed. Its the story of a step parents life. Wanted when needed, but told to butt out at all other times. I'm sorry that you're still having to deal with this now.

Yes, there is a lot of back story here. Petal doesn't deal with a "normal teenage" contact schedule and has no say whatsover.

She feels that she is allowed an input as long as it's an input her partner, step son and his mother wants otherwise, she must keep her opinions to herself.

I don't really know what advise to give as I'm not in the best place to dish it out myself.

Two wrongs don't make a right, however, I don't know how else you can make a point to your DP that you are not his lacky without feelings and worthwhile opinions that you do have a right to express.

And personally I wouldn't want anyone else to accompany my DS and I to a careers evening. I would be more than happy to do it alone and share my experiences when I got home.

Nenevomito - thank you for summing up the 'history' of the situation so neatly.

Oh Petal, not sure what to suggest, but this is infuriating for you.

No ideas, but hope a helps.

Darling you need to arrange those SPECIAL weekends away again .
Seriously you know you will get further with this situation if you play the long game and box clever . Start planning as I think this is the only way you will keep your sanity. Two years is two more years too long .

Hey petal. sorry you're dealing with this.
Could you try waiting in future before agreeing to things in order to decide how you really feel about it? It seems that you freely agreed to help out - then decided that you felt like you were being taken for granted - and are now left doing a favout that you don't want to do. Which will cause a lot of resentment.

Could you pause in future, and work out if you are saying yes becuase you honestly want to help - or because you feel it will earn you some kind of respect or gratitude? I think if you decide that your offer to help has "conditions" then you should say no. You are with in your rights to say no to ANY request that someone makes to you. It's no different with your partner.

To go all Oprah on you - he is making withdrawls from the empotional back account and not paying anything in... tell him your out of cash.

I'd be pissed off too petal if I were you. Thank god my step dgtr has grown and is busy making a mess of her life but 300 miles away. I went through many years of tension with visits and a dad who didn't want to upset her, which meant she could do pretty well as she liked. She didn't live with us but managed to spoil many family holidays. I didn't handle it very well, I was young, 2 kids of my own, money worries but I grew to seriously dislike her.

This 17 yr old is not as you say a "normal" teenager. I think you should decide when you are "on the team" and when you are "on the bench" not let your DH make that decision even if he is not doing it consciously. Rows won't solve anything but I know how difficult it is to keep stuff like this without rows. My god we had so many of them............but it got us nowhere. If I were you I'd make arrangements to be out for a large part of these Butlins weekends and let DH be the redcoat!

Good luck.............

Petal, i can see why you're feeling so cross! It is NOT just a monday thing. :)

I do think it is unfair for DH to have these shifting ideas of 'family' and 'responsibility'.

I'm sorry if you have said this before - have you guys been to any kind of counselling? It seems to me like you could really use a third party, who might be able to sort of 'chair a discussion' about just what your role is supposed to be!

What would happen if you pulled back? If you said 'sorry, I feel pretty excluded as a partner and a parental figure, so I think I need to take a different role', and stopped doing those things? No more laundry for DSS (who is certainly old enough to do his own!), no more rearranging your life for the pair of them, and when asked for help or advice in regards tp DSS, if you just smiled vaguely and said 'oh, i'm sure you'll figure it out....'

Difficult issue as I can understand your resentment but at the same time your need to support your dh.

I do have some empathy as I think your dh can't cope any other way - my dh couldn't/wouldn't see how difficult DSS was until we had our own child. Then the extent of DSS poor communication and social skills became very obvious however even with this knowledge DH's ability to alter DSS's behaviour is limited as he isn't with us all the time. Consequentely DH doesn't rock the boat as it would mean upset during his visits. I support this mostly as DSS can't help being how he is.

However I find that I need ways to cope with it - sometimes I can brush it aside, other times it's occupies all my thoughts..if it becomes too unbearable I go away for the weekend and it really does help. I think this weekend will be one of those..fortunately I am very busy with friends and I know that when I get home DH will be so relieved and delighted to see me:)

Hi Petal - was just wondering what you ended up doing on this one? I saw the original post but didn't have a chance to reply

Hi Allnew

Yes, I did go along to the Careers Event. DH is rather out of his comfort zones with that sort of thing, and I hate to see him being uncomfortable in any situation where I can help out.

As Redhen said, two wrongs don?t make a right, and although I?m very unhappy that I don?t get a say in the access arrangements, if I withdraw that sort of support from DH, then what sort of marriage is that? I should point out that in any other area of life, DH is 100% supportive, and it?s only matters relating to SS where his judgement is questionable.

However ? in relation to access arrangements; given I no longer get any say in the what/where/when of things, I have made it very clear to DH that I will no longer be involved in pick-ups/drop-offs/logistics etc. He wants this ridiculous rota, so he can facilitate it. We had an incident one evening last week, where DH was accompanying me to a work function, it clashed with SS?s mid-week overnighter ? but rather than reschedule SS?s visit, DH chose to have him over as planned. I flatly refused to drive around the countryside picking up SS to bring him back to our house only for us to go out for the evening. DH insisted that SS may be upset if we change the arrangements saying ?he?s too sensitive to cope with this sort of thing? ???. I did point out (again) to DH that he was in the armed forces when he was SS?s age, but it fell on deaf ears.

But common sense did not preside, and DH had to leave work early to collect SS from college, had a panic when he realised there would be no one at home to cook tea for him, so rang for a pizza and then came out with me.

The penny has finally dropped: for DH and SS, spending time together is not all that important ? it?s rota compliance that?s the real big issue.

I know what you mean about supporting DH. At least you can be confident now that you're being supportive and reasonable, despite all the nonsense going on over DSS.
The mid-week incident last week is ridiculous. What a farce your DH rushing around to pick up DSS just so he can be dropped off at home with a pizza. Can't remember if you've posted about it before, but is there no public transport between his house and your's?

In fairness, the public transport between our house and the ex is quite limited, and in-direct. However even if I live to be 100, I'll never understand this obsession with SS coming over to our empty house, simply to achieve rota compliance.

Petal where do you live? I have a 17 yr old ss living with us full time, no friends with a lovely Disney dad.. maybe they could be friends! Pleeease!!