Caught between Ex and DH as step-parent

[hepcat]

Hi all, I hope this is the right place to post this. I'm in a difficult situation and could use some perspective.

A bit of background- I'll try to keep it as simple as possible. I have a DD from a previous long term relationship. Her dad left me for someone else when she was 9 months old. We weren't married but he's on the birth certificate. I am PWC. I met my now DH soon after the split and we married a year or so later.

DD is now 4 and I am now 8 months pregnant with DH's child.

My DH has jumped through all sorts of hoops regarding making our relationship work, including giving up a good, well paying job in his home town to move here to be with me and DD when we married. One of the reasons (though not the only one, the main one being my job) I did not relocate was partly because I felt it was unreasonable in terms of maintaining my Ex's contact with DD. I also made it clear from the very outset when I met DH that relocating to his town was generally not something I was willing to do.

Currently Ex has DD twice midweek- he or his GF picks her up from nursery and because they have now chosen to move to the far outskirts out of town, they have her overnight and drops her off the next day. He also has her alternating weekends and for one or two weeks holiday a year.

The problem is, Ex has a repeated habit of announcing to me from time to time that he "can't take" DD for various reasons whenever it becomes inconvenient- be it moving house, renovations, work, or going on holiday without DD. He does this, on average, several times a month. Sometimes he gives me quite a lot of notice, sometimes not. Usually we manage to arrange an alternative visit or days to compensate for missing visits.

However, this particular month, he is off on holiday with his GF- and has again simply announced he "cannot take" DD for his midweek days and his usual weekend. He didn't check the dates with me first. As always it's simply assumed I will pick up the pieces. It's not the first time he has done such a thing.

This drives both DH and I nuts, frankly, but more so DH. DH hates having someone else effectively dictate our childcare schedule. However, I tend to put up with it on the basis that at the end of the day, I am the PWC and it's not clear what alternative there is. On this occasion though, DH is insisting that the reason Ex does it is because I am too soft and "he gets away with it", and that I need to demand that Ex take DD for a whole week of my choosing to compensate.

By way of making a point, I've done this and unsurprisingly Ex is being very unwilling to commit to this- all sorts of excuses about him not being sure how he will manage. If he does agree to it, it means DD will probably get fobbed off with his parents or sister at least part of the time to help out with the childcare that week. I think she'll be ok about it though I don't particularly like her schedule being so erratic, it seems quite unfair on her.

DH says that if Ex doesn't start pulling his weight properly, then he will look to move us all somewhere far away from Ex. I've pointed out that- leaving aside any obligation I have to facilitate reasonable contact- this is a bit bonkers, especially as I am the sole breadwinner with a very good, well-paying secure job that I love and um, how will we be supporting two kids? But DH goes into a complete strop about this, saying that he gave up a good job to be here and why is he the only one whose life has to change for the relationship?

I might add that having a second child at age 41 and the attendant misery of being pregnant at this point in my life is probably not something I would have signed up to, had DH not been so very, very keen (it's his first)- so I think it's more than a little unfair to suggest I am not making any compromises.

But I'm trying very hard to see it all from DH's side- I am sensitive to how tough step parenting can be and I can just imagine how infuriating it is for him to have Ex apparently calling the shots on the childcare with all the impact that has on our family day to day. But I also think that if it were possible for me to wave my magic wand and make Ex behave like a responsible adult at all times especially where DD is concerned, he wouldn't be an ex.

Any thoughts?

Is there maybe still some resentment from giving up his job and moving, and the access issue is just an easier thing to gripe about? You say you're the sole breadwinner that implies he hasn't found something else and I'm guessing all the childcare changes end up on him if he's not working. Could also be a baby on the way and not being in a traditional 'provider' position is exaggerating this?
It could be I'm reading too much into it - and at the end of the day your DD's feelings do take priority - but it may be you need to have a broader discussion about these issues than just trying to pin down access.

I think there probably is a bit of festering resentment on DH's part about the job /moving thing. When he moved here, DH started up his own business and he's not making any money from it yet. So I am carrying the household while he tries to get on his feet. The business is something he'd wanted to try for a long time, and as he wasn't that happy in his job, it sort of made sense that this was the time to go for it. It's hugely stressful for him trying to make it a success but I've done my best to support him while working nearly full time, looking after DD and basically doing all the shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry and other stuff around the house. Oh and I have been doing all the bookkeeping and HR stuff for his business in my minimal spare time. So it hasn't exactly been all rosy for me either by a long shot- we've both worked hard and made sacrifices. I get a bit frustrated he doesn't seem to see that. He helps out with the childcare but it's not his main responsibility by any means.

I totally agree the "retaliation week" is a shit idea. I don't like it all. I wouldn't suggest it normally but DH has made such a stink about it that I've tried it out this time, just to see what Ex says. I feel kind of stuck between a rock and hard place on it. What's happened in the past is that if I've let it go then DH goes in the huff and completely refuses to help me out with any childcare whatsoever- which in itself makes my week a total exhausting flipping nightmare (especially with being pregnant and really toiling generally). It means I end up not at my best caring for DD either, so poor wee thing gets a bit screwed either way.

I'm sort of loathe to get too adversarial with court proceedings- the access arrangements usually work ok-ish when we both try to be pretty flexible. It's more that when Ex decides he wants a holiday or whatever, he announces it fait accompli and we're expected to pick up the pieces. I've tried- multiple times- to talk to Ex about all this. I think it's just the ongoing lack of respect and courtesy that Ex tends to show when it comes to dealing with us that drives DH nuts- for example, I've told him about 10 million times that we will try to be flexible but we would really appreciate it if he would stop announcing that he can't take DD as if it's some chore he's decided not to do that week. I'm interested though, would a court order prevent Ex from doing things like taking off on holiday without making alternate arrangements for DD's care?

A court order wouldn't change anything. You or a court can't force him to take his daughter. It MIGHT make him think differently and see his daughter as his responsibility all the time but I think you could antagonise a reasonable relationship and your daughter could suffer more as a result of that.

I think your dp needs to see the positives and not keep focusing on the negatives. It's frustrating and annoying but it could be a lot worse.

My ex is like your ex and I have been angry with him in the past but I just keep remembering that it's not worth a fight which I know would leave DS without his dad at all and me without a break.

Sounds like your partner is struggling to adapt and putting the blame at your ex door. I think if you push this like dp wants you risk your daughter losing her father and dp being resentful about DD being with you all the time.

MJlovesscareypants- I have to say I pretty much agree with you but that's one of the reasons I posted this in the step-parent section. I keep wondering if I'm missing something from DH's side of the story.

Just to pick up a couple things- for the week plus he is going to be away, Ex is in fact proposing to simply cancel his contact. He's going on holiday, he isn't taking DD, end of. In fact, about 50% of the time when he tries to change the schedule, he suggests it as in terms of a cancellation and only reconsiders and rearranges when I remind him that's not on.

Ex's parents and sister are OK but in the past have been a bit flakey. They've had fairly minimal involvement with DD in her life despite many opportunities to do more. It's something of a quantum leap to go from the relationship they've had to the kind of reliance Ex would be placing on them for the first time. I think DD would still be fine and it might end being good for everybody but it's not a no-brainer, let's put it that way.

What is DH doing to help? Well, yes. Don't get me wrong, DH is a lovely, lovely guy and he has many excellent qualities but he could be doing a lot more, I think- or at least not throwing his toys out of the cot right now about this issue and causing me additional stress. The problem is partly DH does have a huge chip when it comes to Ex. He basically thinks Ex walked out, so Ex should have no say or rights when it comes to DD. Or else that Ex should still somehow be doing 50% of the parenting, despite that never ever being the arrangement agreed between me and Ex.

It infuriates him when I point out that tough as it may be- and while Ex can be a prize jerk- that's not my sweet DD's fault and dealing with Ex unfortunately comes with the package in this family. As I say, I sympathise- it must be completely crap to be a stepparent under these circumstances.

I just feel like I'm getting the worst of it- Ex's treating me like a dumping ground when the parenting gets inconvenient and DH accusing me of being a pushover for not stamping my foot and "making" Ex behave.

I've got a certain amount of sympathy with your DH but also agree that the retaliation week is a bad idea.

My DH has his dc's half the time and his exW the other half. She is always changing the rota and it means we can not EVER plan to do anything as she will always spoil it at the last minute. His ex completely controls our lives in this way and it both hurts and infuriates me.

I imagine this particular incident is just a "last straw" incident for your DH. On its own it doesn't sound too bad but the overall effect of this behaviour will leave him feeling that he has no control, and that's so hard to live with.

I'm afraid I've no experience of negotiating with ex's in these situations, but sympathise with you because you are in a difficult position.

I disagree with MJ that threatening to move automatically makes your DH a bully; I just think he's struggling to deal with the situation and is feeling very powerless to do anything. He's probably thinking only in very logical terms "there's an agreement in place, why can't people stick to it" and thinks he has to 'fix' it, when actually the most effective thing he can do (which is in his control) is to support you and put your DD first.

I used to get frustrated when DP's ex would ring at the last minute to change pick up times, but when DP quite rightly pointed out that it works both ways and means we too can be flexible, as long as it doesn't disrupt the kids, I was a lot more chilled about it. It's just not worth rocking the boat. Is the flexibility working both ways between you and your ex?

I'm not excusing your DH for putting the pressure on you, but I do think there are underlying issues here (having gone from being in control of his own life/work to no longer having his own sphere of influence but placing a huge amount of pressure on himself with the new business) that need to be addressed.

On a practical level, would it work if you and DP sat down and listed out all chores and business related work items you both do, highlighting the items that are a struggle to get done (don't forget to add in 'recuperation time as 8mths preggers') and also those which are not important and can slip. It might help visualise just how much you have on your plate and you can both agree how to split the workload and what to drop.

Oh, and congrats on being preggers at 41 - that makes 2 of us ;-)

For once, I actually disagree with MJ Well there's always a first time eh ;)

I have sympathy with your DH as well. I should imagine that as he's given up quite a lot for you, having a situation where some other man is dictating part of his life's schedule is hard going.

I can imagine that every time your ex drops contact (several times a month) and you have to rearrange, you have to put on the back-burner any other plans you'll have made and its hard going. I know that as a step parent having access changed at the last minute drove me absolutely nuts.

He gave up his job for you, he moved towns for you, I am not surprised he's feeling resentful.

No I don't agree that you should move or do retaliation weeks or anything of the sort, but I don't think your DH is the problem here. I think its your ex not keeping to his access and not having a courtesy to give proper notice when he changes.

This is all very helpful to hear, everyone, I really appreciate all these viewpoints.

Just to say, I do think DH's frustrations definitely stem from his feeling of loss of control in this situation. He's an extremely assertive person and I know it's hard on him having to somebody like Ex dictating our schedule to some extent.

I think DH's point about "retaliation week" is that Ex has never, not once, ever had to deal with DD- either on his own or with help- during the course of a normal working week. DH thinks if Ex had to do it, even once, then he might get a better sense of how just how crappy it is when contact is dropped, particularly at the last minute and during work times. Personally I very much doubt Ex would gain any such insight (especially since he would still just look to others to pick up slack) or change his ways so I don't think it helps so much to force the issue.

Also, DH's clear preference would be if we had just DD all the time and could deal with all the logistics of that in our own terms. He does adore DD and vice versa. He just wants to parent her in his own way and on his own terms. I have to say the idea of just moving away has some appeal (at least in a fantasy way), since I do really hate sharing DD and not seeing her- but I suck it up and do it because she needs to have a relationship with her dad and I have to rise above all the crap.

All that your dh is saying is right, but the only way you can get your ex to behave as a parent is to stop bing flexible

i have had this, my ex was exactly the same, and will still now on occasion try it on and my dp gets very fustrated as he is essentially ds's parent just not biologically

the only fair answer on your dd, your dh and you if for him to stick to his agreeed times

YOU must tell him that he must stick to his agreed times for the good of his dd
YOU must tell him to arrange a holiday around access if he is not going to take your dd
it is your responsibilty
if he can't be responsible being flexible then no flexibity for him

its really hard and there may be toys thrown out of the pram from your ex, but it is for the good of the child that they are not passed pillar to post according to others schedule.

They have to know they are important and you are in charge

Thats right family life isn't rigid but if the op's ex is taking the piss which he is, he has to learn that he has to accomodate his dd

he is getting all the flexibilty

when things have been going smoothly for a while and the situation is better then things such as birthdays or special things can be accomodated, but the op is not describing a situation in which she is getting a flexible schedule its just the ex

She can tell him to do this or do that but if he doesn't it will be the school phoning her and although she could tell them to call him, if he doesn't answer or simply explains he is not able to pick up DD, then who has to pick up the flack? OP, of course. No, it's not right, but unless she is prepared to put her daughter in care overnight to "prove a point" then I think she has to be the back up for the sake of her daughter.

Although if OP ex would leave daughter with his family rather than look after himself, then I don't actually see that as a problem as long as those people want to look after her rather than feeling put upon.

Sorry I forgot to say asking him to have her when he doesn't ordinarily isn't the answer - like the extra week

I would point out it is his weekend / week and therefore she is to go on holiday.

If she is to go to his for the week then I agree it may be good for him to get his famil involved in helping, they may not be used to it but it will be good for your dd to get to know her family.

I would just keep reiterating that it is a fixed arrangement and he will eventually get used to the fact you won't budge. Be reasonable, not emotional ( hard when they're being a dick !) and just keep repeating its for dd and children like a routine, eventually he will get the message

of course if he doesn't pick her up the op has to, its not to prove a point ! Its to start putting boundaries in place of what is expected of him

prettywhiteguitar I hear what you are saying but unfortunately I don't absolute insistence on an arrangement set in stone is realistic in our circumstances. I don't often ask Ex to be flexible (and usually it's if I need to cancel and rearrange his visit for some special reason, like) but I do need that option from time to time.

I don't really think being flexibility is the problem as such. DH and I are both reasonable people, we know stuff comes up in life, we try to be accommodating if we can be. I think it's Ex's attitude of announcing that DH and I will be covering for him on certain days rather than consulting or requesting our co-operation. I should point out that Ex has always been like that with me, even before DD came along. At some point in his life he's learned he can get away with stuff if he ambushes you with a plan/decision which appears too late or awkward to change. I think it's this tendency that I need to continue to try to tackle.

ahh I see, thats really out of order ! Just who does he think he is ?

I think your arrangements with your ex are for you to sort out tbh.
Your DH should leave it to you - he sounds a bit of a bully. Probably because he doesn't have any dc or an ex of his own so he doesn't understand.
Your DH can't make you move away, you aren't his property.
My dcs father and I have a very good relationship regarding the access and are both very flexible with each other. DP's ex is the complete opposite and their access arrangements were agreed in court and she will not ever deviate from this, regardless of the circumstances, so DP often thinks I am being 'too soft' with my ex, but at the end of the day as long as my dc are happy and enjoying time with their dad that is what matters.

I've had a lot of similar issues and been on all sides of the situation you discribe with my ex, his new partner, my DP and his ex - there's two things I can think of that I'd do if I were you - One is to speak with your ex and see if you can get him to change the way he frames his requests to change the routines - so that he ASKS you if you can have DD on the day that is normally his, or asks you whether you could swap a day, rather than telling you he cannot do it with the assumption being that you therefore will - it makes a big difference to how it feels to be asked for a favour, rather than simply told that you have to change your own routine. Your DP could then be included in the decision that you make together as to whether to agree to your ex's requests if they impact upon him at all (would suggest you agree most of time though, unless strong reasons not to).

The other is to see if requests to change the schedule can be reciprical some of the time - not in terms of the "retalitory week" you realise yourself is a bad way to go (making your DD into some kind of jobshare/chore and further complicating her routines) - but in terms of you help your ex out sometimes to make his life easier, and he helps you out too - can you make it clear to your DP that the two of you can ask your ex to have DD different times from ususal on occasions? Presumably you'd like your ex to be on hand to have her for a bit when you go into labour? If your DP sees that it works both ways, maybe he wouldn't feel so helpless and taken for granted.

What goes on between you and your ex and your DD is of minimal concern to your DH. Yes, obviously he's involved in her life etc and she impacts his life, but he is behaving as if she's some sort of chattel. If your Ex is being a twat, that would be why he's an Ex. All you can do is the best you can for your DD - it sounds like you're being a bit bullied here, at your DD's expense (that extra week idea just to make a point is crap and will be unsettling for a 4 year old, I'd have thought). To be honest, your DH's tantrummy bullying strops sound like way more of a problem than your Ex's flakiness.