Perspective needed - starting to seriously dislike DSD

[PlinkertyPlonk]

I'm starting to really dislike DSD1 and feel crap about it. I need some perspective and advice.

DP and I have had a couple of rough weekends with the DSCs (I posted about it on here a little while ago) - DSD1 causing lots of punch ups between the siblings, disrespect to both me and her father on top of the usual-to-be-expected-pushing-the-boundary behaviour typical for a 12 year old. Last weekend there were a few incidents that in isolation would be inconsequential, but it pushed me over the edge to the point where I can't stand the sight of her. It's totally out of proportion - she's not done anything dreadful, just an ongoing total lack of respect for me and DP, and it's rubbing off on the 2 younger DSCs.

Part of the problem (my problem) is she has the type of personality that winds me up anyway; always jostling to be the centre of attention, overbearing (bordering on bullying), and she always has an agenda, with the negotiation skills and the tenacity of a bulldog that would put the best barristers to shame. Everyone says she's always been like that; hard work but very bright with a big personality. She drives DP up the wall, and he does discipline her as well as having the important heart-to-heart conversations with her, but the effect wears off after a couple of hours. He tells me to look on the bright side - she's not evil (true) and there is no doubt she is going to be successful in life (yeah - if she hasn't pissed everyone else off along the way). Great! So only another 6 years to go then

What to do? I spent this weekend more or less ignoring all the kids, leaving DP to it while I got on with my own things away from the house. I know this isn't sustainable and it's not what I want. I'm supposed to be the adult here, but she is really trying my (and DPs) patience.

PlinkertyPlonk, I'm glad things are getting better! Like you say, at least knowing she has another side might make it easier to put up with the bad times. Good luck!

Thanks Plinkerty, that is not patronising at all, its good advice. We have just had quite a good weekend with all the dc and she wasn't too bad, but I think that was mostly because we were out with friends on Saturay and she was fully occupied with their little girl. The problem seems to be worse when she gets bored or when the boys are playing together and she feels left out.
I am glad things are better for you now - my SD is different when she is on her own as well, I think its because that need for attention is satisfied and she can be herself.
I love this topic - its nice not to feel like the wicked stepmother and to know that other people have the same problems.

Its reading threads like this that make me realise that I have made the right decision in never living with someone or ever getting married again, especially if they have children.

I am very shocked at the way some people on here talk about their step-kids. Yes KIDS! You are all grown adults and some of the nsaty things some of you are saying about these children is terrible.

I had both a step-mum and step dad when I was growing up. My step-dad was fab - never tried to force the relationship, never tried to buy my love with presents and never made me feel second best. On the other hand my step mother was a first class bitch. She probably had similar feelings about me that some of you have about your step kids - and boy did she let me know. She tried to take charge from the very beginning, tried to buy my friendship, but all the while making it quite clear that she resented us being around - she just wanted my Dad to herself. What she needed to remember, was that we were my Dads children and we were around before she was and would be around when she was gone.

A lot of you talk about the manipulative behaviour and attention seeking from your step kids - maybe you need to ask yourselves why? All I ever wanted was a bit of time with my dad, without someone else taking charge and sticking their nose in. Sometimes that is where the attention seeking comes from.

Come on folks - remember these are children you are all slating here, who have a right to spend time with their Mother/Father.

lucy88, clearly you still have a lot of residual hurt having had a step mother. It does sound like she went about trying to get you on board by just "buying" you but I wonder whether she could feel your seething resentment toward her for the simple fact that she existed in your dad's life and you'd rather she didnt? My guess is, yes.

I think that your decision not to have a relationship or ever remarry was definitely the correct one for you. in order to "take on" someone with children from a previous relationship, you yourself have to be able to compromise. You have to consider everyone's needs. Your own, your partner's and any and all kids in the equation. Your "I was here first and will be here when you've gone" mindset would never have enabled an inclusive second family setting. My own son is my most precious thing and he, and my 3 steps have been treated equally and with respect. The fact that one step chooses to be a very nasty young lady, is NOT MY FAULT. My guess is, she has the same ME ME ME attitude you have.