Perspective needed - starting to seriously dislike DSD

[PlinkertyPlonk]

I'm starting to really dislike DSD1 and feel crap about it. I need some perspective and advice.

DP and I have had a couple of rough weekends with the DSCs (I posted about it on here a little while ago) - DSD1 causing lots of punch ups between the siblings, disrespect to both me and her father on top of the usual-to-be-expected-pushing-the-boundary behaviour typical for a 12 year old. Last weekend there were a few incidents that in isolation would be inconsequential, but it pushed me over the edge to the point where I can't stand the sight of her. It's totally out of proportion - she's not done anything dreadful, just an ongoing total lack of respect for me and DP, and it's rubbing off on the 2 younger DSCs.

Part of the problem (my problem) is she has the type of personality that winds me up anyway; always jostling to be the centre of attention, overbearing (bordering on bullying), and she always has an agenda, with the negotiation skills and the tenacity of a bulldog that would put the best barristers to shame. Everyone says she's always been like that; hard work but very bright with a big personality. She drives DP up the wall, and he does discipline her as well as having the important heart-to-heart conversations with her, but the effect wears off after a couple of hours. He tells me to look on the bright side - she's not evil (true) and there is no doubt she is going to be successful in life (yeah - if she hasn't pissed everyone else off along the way). Great! So only another 6 years to go then

What to do? I spent this weekend more or less ignoring all the kids, leaving DP to it while I got on with my own things away from the house. I know this isn't sustainable and it's not what I want. I'm supposed to be the adult here, but she is really trying my (and DPs) patience.

Oh PP - I seriously disliked my SD too but thank god she is grown up now and lives miles away and I still hate her. She wasn't anything like yours is but I nonetheles could not stand her. It made me feel guilty to hate a pretty little girl but I just did..............her dad could see no wrong in her, though that has changed since she grew up. In a way I think you can legitimately seriously dislike yours because of the way she behaves. Mine was a big story teller and expected people to believe her and was not very nice to me, so I felt really guilty for disliking her so much.

I just think step-parenting is just so so difficult and I sympathise with all SPs - it isn't a natural thing to do, animals don't do it. In fact the lion kills the cubs of a lioness who he wants to mate, to ensure that his genes are passed on to the new litter. Hmm - no don't think you can do that!

Hate to say it but if she is like this at 12 things will get worse through her teens. The only consolation is that teenage girls tend to not want to go on contact visits so often, as they are growing up and doing their own thing etc, so you might find this happens with this girl. In the meantime I think you should keep out of her way as much as possible and let DP deal with her- easier said than done I know.

Do you have children of your own. If not why not take to going away for the weekend every now and then and leaving your DP to cope with his kids.

I know where you are coming from. My DSD has a very, very similar personality. So similar, in fact, that I laughed out loud reading your post (sorry!).

When DH and I got together, she was 12, and I went through the same thing you have. Also, I think DSD made it really hard for me to like her. I wanted to, and we started off well, but once she realized I was 'there to stay' and that things were changing in her world...well, she really didn't want me around for a while, and I found it is really hard to like someone who just doesn't want you to like them!

I can tell you, though, that now DSD is 16 and things are very different. The most over-the-top behaviours have stopped - partly I think because of changes DH made in how he responded to her, partly because we have a baby DD now and DSD now wants the family to work, and partly just through getting a bit older. I think also DSD is happier and more secure now, so her behaviour reflects that. Obviously there are still incidents and times when I get quite wound up, but it is nothing compared to DSD at 13. Phew!

And actually - I like my DSD now. I still find her exhausting at times - the need to be centre stage, and the negotiations over every little thing...and we stil battle with boundaries and limits for her. Any one who has read my posts here knows that there are still issues about DH and DSD's relationship and about DSD's role in the house. But that feeling you describe, of just not being able to be around her, and having absolutely no patience? That has gone.

So...there is hope. You may not have to wait as long as you think.

My one piece of advice is actually to NOT avoid DSD. Spend more time with her, just the two of you. I found that made things better...it was tougher being around her with other people in the mix, but on our own we found a way to get on.

Oh thank you NanaNina for your kind words, they've cheered me up. Sorry you had such a horrible time with your DSD too. I guess I should feel lucky mine isn't a story teller and that DP is very supportive.

Yep, I'm bracing myself for the teenage years but as you say, suspect DSD will want to go shopping with her mates rather than visit, which will break DP's heart as they are very close. But all part of them growing up!

A weekend off is effectively what I had, and very nice it was too, but feel bad for leaving DP to cope with the full horrors by himself. The DSDs had friends to stay and she was still foul, even though her friends were constantly telling her off!

Where do kids get their sense of entitlement from? We would never have dared be so rude or demanding.

Hi brdgrl. I suspect a lot of this is not wanting me around. When I first met her, the strong personality was very evident, but I could see the sunny side of her and thought she would actually be good fun once she got a bit older and started articulating some of her views and ideas. But at the moment, that's all lost in the fog.

Finding an excuse to spend time with her is difficult and would feel very 'forced' as she totally ignores me. Plus there are the logistics of physically peeling DSD2 off her, as they are like velcro-twins.

What things did you do that your 12yo enjoyed?

I'm on the other side of this now, but remember the pre-teen/teen years well.

Lets look at the positives. You have a DP who is supportive and actually disciplines her. That is a very good thing and more unusual than you may think.

Don't try to force it or do special things with her. It will be painful for both of you. Just carrying on doing normal every day stuff, through gritted teeth if you have to. Smile sweetly - it drives them nuts, detach and rise above if you can (more gritted teeth).

I would often - and still do, to be honest, arrange to do things by myself and let them get on with it. It does get better. But not for a while yet...

"What things did you do that your 12yo enjoyed?"

Well, I agree that you can't force it. And it is tough, because DSD didn't want me around all that much. But she did (and does) have an outgoing personality and loves to talk - so actually, the best thing I could do was be an audience for her. So even when I felt like I wanted to hide away in DH's room (this was before we lived together), I did make an effort to sit and talk to her alone, without DH around. She'd tell me about what she was reading and loan me books, or just recount tv show plots...sometimes she'd tell me what might have been rather pointed stories about how life used to be with her mum and dad, or drop hints about other women DH had dated...but if I ignored and redirected the conversation, it went fine. In a way, I guess her need for attention sort of outweighed her antagonism towards me. And when we did things with DH, she was so focused on keeping his attention on her alone, that it always went badly. So it was important to have some time on our own.

Other stuff...we occasionally went shopping together. She is quite artistic, so getting her to draw something for me or do the tricky parts (I am not artistic!) of any crafts...we made christmas cards together that first year I was dating DH and that was pretty successful! Asking her to show me something or doing something that she was good at was always better than trying a new thing together, or trying to show her something 'my way'.

Recently we have done more 'projects' together - things for DD, or baking - but we could not have done that back when she was younger, because she hated me showingher how to do anything and I hated her bossing me around and acting like she knew everything!

I do think that if you give in to the feelings of not wanting to be around her, you will miss chances to find common ground. Maybe even doing stuff with both girls would work for you. I just think it is so different when the dad isn't there...

I have started to really struggle with one of my DSDs for very very similar reasons.

My advice is:

• breathe deeply, smile and rise above it
• ignore the behaviour that's driving you nuts (your partner can deal with it (or not)).... try to judge the behaviour not the child (this is tricky but can work to diffuse situation)
• continue to involve her in everything you do as a unit if you don't her behaviour will worsen as she'll feel left out and if she wants to be the centre of attention that will be awful for her
• remember that she is a child and didn't choose you any more than you chose her
• do your own thing - I have a regular commitment every thursday (when we have access) and at the weekend I will often do my own thing. As well as being a lifeline for me it is also good for the DSDs and my DP.

Good luck! I know that my situation will probably get worse before it gets better but I'm trying hard to be consistently kind and caring while leaving the tough stuff (disciplining and negotiating) to her dad.

- continue to involve her in everything you do as a unit if you don't her behaviour will worsen as she'll feel left out and if she wants to be the centre of attention that will be awful for her

i have to disagree, completely! this isn't good for the DSD, and it has the potential to really destroy your relationship. it is appropriate to set limits and boundaries. don't indulge DSD in her need to be the centre of the universe. and spend time with your partner as a unit without the kids. that is essential for you and for them!!!

...and don't ignore disrespect that is aimed at you. Speak up for yourself. OK, you may want to leave discipline to your DP, but you must address disrespect aimed at yourself - just as you would from any child. Otherwise you teach her that you are not expecting respect, or that you need your DP to 'protect' you.
I am very bad at this - I don't speak up for myself as much as I should - and I wish I had started earlier in the relationship, because it made things worse. Ask yourself if you would tolerate a remark from a stranger in the street, or a young relative, or a child you were minding....if not, don't accept it from DSD either.

OP you have my sympathies ... ive been where you are.

My dsd set out from the very begining to cause trouble .

I ignored her attempts , time after time.
By god , she was trying very hard ..

Over the years i tried so hard , i tried everything to get her to like me.
I took her shopping , ice-skateing , pictures , made cakes with her , gave her expensive gifts and days out . She was treated exactly the same as my own dds...as were all the children.
I even combed lice and nits out of her hair when her parents wouldnt, took her to doctors hairdressers . I paid for her birthdays and xmas and easter gifts when dh was out of work before we were married.
Infront of dh she acted like she did like me , almost gave me hope iykwim ?
Looking back only times she was nice was when she was after something or when dh was there.

She recently got married ... none of dh`s family were invited to her wedding.
Dh was told to choose her or me . He was going to refuse to go to her wedding on the grounds of her behaviour and attitude towards me and her half siblings .

I told him to go...mainly as she just would have held me accountable if he didnt go and would have just gave her another bullet for her gun.

The only thing that has changed DSD is not 12 yr old anymore , she is 20 ...and i dont feel guilty for disliking the manipulative person she still is now.
Her behaviour is disgusting at times .

My only regret is that i wasted so much time and effort on her.
Polite indifference is what works best with her . Dont really get involved , just sit on the sidelines and be polite .

Once had the infamous "your not my mother "....now i think thank fuck !

Thanks everyone, I'm feeling alot more chilled about DSD1 today after all your stories and helpful advice. I feel very lucky that my DP is so supportive and so level headed - he is a complete star :)

I don't let DSD1 get away with any disrespectful comments, whether that be to me, DP or anyone else. It's when you get 'The Smirk' that you know it's sunk home - you know the one? Accompanied by dropping their chin to their chest while they smirk up at you and try to make some 'hilarious' comment. I know it's because they are embarrassed they've been told off, but that smirk, it's SOOOO annoying!

The centre of attention thing isn't just for us, she's like that with everyone; friends, family etc. She uses her sister as her slave and her brother as a punch bag when she's angry. However she definitely plays up more when DP and I are both around, as though she has to prove to him that she doesn't like me. DP is going to continue the heart to hearts with her and see if he can get her to open up a bit more.

Will try the baking as she loves to 'own' this and show me what she can do (trashes the kitchen in the process which doesn't bother me, but drives DP insane!) and also helping with homework as she genuinely 'forgets' to be obnoxious when she needs help with it.

Fingers crossed.

P-P its such a tricky situation & Iv been putting DSDs behaviour down to (as always)"the split" but as I read all these comments on here ( especially your message drovabroomstick - I so relate to the things you said) Im thinking these DSDs are perhaps using us as thier sulky teenage campaign perhaps they will always have someone they are "allowed" to slag off , I dont know about your situation but believe me if my SCs bad mouth me & thier dad to their mum it puts them in the good books!

Iv now come round to thinking that although I've cared & worried for them done the parents evenings, head lice,laundry, drs appointments, shopping trips,partys & heart-to-hearts, we are on a uphill struggle - we will NEVER & REPEAT NEVER get the respect, love or appreciation we deserve!!

Big deep breath in ............. and relax!! Big hugs hunny keep smiling :) & dont ever let her know she upsets you- hold ur head up high!!!!!!!

Personally I find the best way to cope with the awful side of sc behavior is to treat myself to something nice when I've delt with the situation in a calm , not taking their bait kind of way ... Sort of reward yourself for putting up with it iykwim ? .

I've 40 pairs of shoes and 20 handbags now

I have the same situation. My SD is 7 so I have a long way to go with her.
It is my guilty secret, but I don't like her at all. I hate myself for feeling that way about a child but I can't help it.
But I will never ever let DP or her see how I really feel. When she is with us I treat her the same as the others, but I do ignore her when she plays up and leave her to DP to deal with (which he struggles to do!). I agree with the poster above who says "rise above it and smile" I am now an expert at doing this!
Is it a girl thing do you think? I have boys who are very straightforward. She is so so manipulative, and always needs to be the centre of attention. She has been very damaged by her parents divorce and her Mum has moved in with a man who has several of his own dds and I know she feels very pushed out at home so demands all the attention when with her Dad, which of course she is entitled to, but it doesn't make life easy for the rest of the family.
Her brother however is adorable, he is the sweetest child ever, but he is totally overshadowed by his little sister, to the point where he will sit quietly drawing while she is having a screaming tantrum as he is so used to it.
Not easy is it?!

Hmmm. I'm not sure it's a girl thing particularly. I have three. Eldest, lovely. Middle one (boy) not so good at times. Youngest....utterly loathsome in my opinion.

Eldest and youngest are girls.

im like broomstick except I use HIS credit card to buy 'stuff' so far he hasn't mentioned my use of it !
my SD is horrid a nasty peice of work and is getting worse not better I stay away its the only way I can cope with disney dad and the fact that he wont challenge his DD on her behaviour and attitude towards me or teach her any manners I am apparently the adult so should be kind and helpful and understanding
her loss not mine and this year will be the first year i wont have to watch her opening up loads of expensive gifts to be tossed aside with the words NEXT and see her in a hurry to take the gifts back home to mother within the hour on xmas day never to be seen again (sadly the gifts not the girl)
i am counting the days down to no more visitation and my only bright light is that I think that DP see's her for what she is, although he'd never ever mention it in a million years
and i have tried to build bridges over the years doing all the things mentioned here, baking, shopping etc etc the girl is just not interested in getting to know me and has decided for whatever reasons to dislike me but i guess teenagers need someone to hate and I am the target for the foreseeable future until she grows up (maybe)
dont you just feel like shaking them sometimes?

Oh tokenwoman - I can see mine becoming just like that as a teenager
I have been hoping she will improve with age, but its not looking likely.
DP is a disney dad too, and he sees her petulance and bratty behaviour as 'cute' when I think she needs a damn good hiding at times (obviously I would never do this though, only in my head!)
But, I'm stuck with her, as I love him and I know she is part of him so I will accept the 'whole package' and find my own ways of coping (getting away with a credit card is looking like the best option!!)

Its so sad to read these stories as this can't be a good way for dcs to live. I have teens and whilst I know they can be thoughtless I don't think its 'normal' to behave in such ways so I wonder what is driving the behaviour.

My Dh had the full disney parenting thing going on for a few years and DSS was in his eyes perfect.He was never told off because DH was scared of the impact and the fear of losing his child. Once I understood that I was able to help him through it - it did take some counselling sessions however so wasn't straight forward. DH believed he and I just shared different parenting views and needed an external person to tell him that a DC with no boundaries or sanctions will store up issues for later life.

Once DH got over that hurdle (& the first time DH was literally frozen when he had a real life incident to deal with) he became a better parent and DSS is now closer to DH. I think you can't love someone if you don't respect them and DH was previously a doormat to DSS.

The other driver for DSS's poor behaviour was influence from the ex..she went through a stage of encouraging DSS to be bullying and rude. We finally got DSS to talk about it and I was shocked that any parent would teach a child such negative skills. Getting it out in the open resolved the issue but it has backfired on the ex massively as DSS now uses the same methods against her or the new b/f in her life.

My dss is a teen now and I have seen the many stages..I would recommend always trying to do the right thing for the child..DSS has such instability at his mum's house that I know life is challenging for him. He is encouraged to be materialistic rather than kind or thoughtful. If he behaves poorly I'm mostly able to reflect that he is lashing out due to homelife and then I can let the negative feelings disappear..I do however make sure DH steps up to the role, that is key..often the issues is parenting rather than step parenting problems.

Smum99, yes, I experienced the same as you (speaking of the first half of your post, re: Disney parenting - thankfully I didn't have the compounded problem of an ex undermining things).

DH believed he and I just shared different parenting views and needed an external person to tell him that a DC with no boundaries or sanctions will store up issues for later life.
The worst part is when there is no external person willing to do this. DH and I live in another country from each of our our extended families - his are still within the UK so we do see them on occasion, but that was always just like getting another dozen Disney parents! - with the exception of my wonderful SIL - the extended DH family would see the kids on rare occasions and spend those visits showering the 'poor motherless lambs' with inappropriate attentions and monetary gifts, while encoraging them to act up and ignore even the boundaries DH had set for them. Meanwhile, there were friends of DHs who did not like the kids' behaviours and so just cut DH out of their lives. And still others who just thought DH was a saint and a tragic figure - and a MAN - and so therefore could not be expected to raise his own kids the same way a woman would (ie, with limits and manners).

Counselling was not a magic bullet for us, and we recently stopped it, but it did get us over this particular hump. Hearing from the counsellor that what he was doing was actually unhealthy for his kids - that made things finally 'click' for DH. This was reinforced by some good reading...and by time, and seeing how the changes really did produce nicer, happier kids.

After our wedding earlier this year, we had DH's friends and family around to the house. So many people made a point of mentioning to me and to DH how much the kids had changed and matured. I was and .

its quite right it is the parenting that is the main problem, my DP would rather pull out his toenails than go to any form of talking therapy, but I find it hard that he holds me in such low regards to allow his daughter to be such a horrid monster towards me without recourse to her, never had a birthday card, present (even if he had thought to buy it on her behalf) a thank you or please.. anything that shows she accepts me as his partner just that see through me look .. but god forbid we upset the princess or she won't want to visit him again and you can guess who would get the blame... and if I even broach the subject of me having a quick word with her woman to woman let gets things straight once and for all type of thing Im met with no no no no , this is the only place I can vent and admit I dont like her and by god Ive tried, I even got caught on the detaching by him a couple of years ago 'your the adult talk' (WTF has she been doing)
last xmas he got the card addressed to him only, he got a present and although he said he had tackled her and found it unacceptable that she behaved this way, this year the holiday postcards came funnily enough addressed just to him I dont just exist in her eyes and so have now given up on any petense on the subject, manners dont cost anything if my boys did the same they wouldbe getting a talking to but mine aren't like that
this will be the first xmas without her presence (presents!) in 7 years and I can't wait

but i do often wonder how the exw has manipulated her (Im not to blame for the marriage breakup) maybe one day I will get the chance to have a full and frank discussion with SD and discover why she has been the way she is but im not holding my breath on that happening for a long time

Smum - you are spot on there, it is the parenting that is the key problem and the constant fear that if he tells her off she will refuse to visit and he will lose her . He would rather be disrespected and a doormat than lose contact altogether.
My DP knows he is too soft on her, he admits he finds it hard (impossible) to discipline her and would like me to be the bad cop all the time to his good cop but I won't do that. The odd times I have pulled her up on her behaviour, he does back me up, but then she sulks and pouts for so long that he ends up trying to cajole her out of her mood with the promise of treats/sweets etc - totally undermining everything that went before. The last time this happened she gave me such a smug look behind his back that I nearly exploded!!
So I have decided to give up and detach. Let her carry on manipulating her Dad while I spend time with my dc and dss, whose company I enjoy.
Thank God it is only every other weekend - I don't know how I would cope full time!!

But that means these kids expect to go through life, p,easing themselves and never receive a "telling off". If the parents were still together, there'd probably be a healthy amount of reasonable discipline, so that, when the kids reach adulthood, they go off into the world of work and relationships nosing that they're accountable for their actions and cannot just spit the dummy and flounce off if they don't get there own way all the time. Even my ten yr old ds gets that!!

My 17 yr old sd, has disappeared from our lives having been told to pick her dirty knickers up off the bedroom floor rather than waiting for me to di it. When her dad didn't back her up, she disappeared, that was 3 months ago.

Ridiculous!

Gosh, I can't imagine being a step-parent without DPs support; that must be sooo much harder and it's difficult enough as it is. The Dad's approach (seems to be mainly Dads being discussed in this thread) is so central to helping the children accept the situation and feel loved, but also to understand what is acceptable, caring behaviour. I agree with LaDolche - they are failing their children by not teaching them acceptable behaviour required to get by in life. I can't believe anyone (Disney Dads included) enjoys being treated like dirt or being manipulated.

I felt like think things would get better when I posted this originally, but I'm glad to say they have. I've HAD to spend more time with DSD1 because DP has been working, and actually we've had a great time. Without DP around, DSD1 is chatty, desperate to show me things she's made etc. Once DP's around, it's like a switch has been flicked and she is constantly pushing his buttons, fighting with her siblings and punishing DP. I know things won't stay rosy, but at least I have seen the pleasant side of DSD1's character so know that there is hope.

Kaluki - that's very cowardly of your DP to ask you be bad cop. But I'd say don't give up; it sounds like you are nearly there if DP is at least attempting to make a stand. The problem with having 1 manipulative individual in the family is that it affects everyone. I'm not saying it's your responsibility to fix the situation, but you are possibly in a stronger position to influence than you feel you are. Maybe (trying to sound hopeful) he just needs a Plan B in his head, ready for when she turns on the tears, and a 'reward' (I'm thinking acknowledgment rather than a star chart!) for when he manages to discipline her effectively, so he feel's good about it rather than guilty? Oh God, that sounds really patronising, sorry it isn't meant to be but can't think of a better way to put it.

Doh. That should have said 'things wouldn't get better'.