Aaargh!!!!!!!!! Christmas!!!!!!!!!!!

[karmathreefold]

My husband and I met & married after both our sons were young adults. They are both 21 now.

We have a 1 yr old DD, and are due to have another three weeks before Christmas.

The relationship between the marriage & our sons, has always been difficult. My DS went to live with my parents when I gave up my house, due to the fact that hubby's house was too small, and the lads wouldn't share a room, but the idea was that we'd get a bigger house & DS would move in. That never happened.

When DD was born DSS moved out to his mum, who lives in Scotland with her new family. It was totally his decision (I'd rather he'd stayed so I could have pushed for a bigger house). DSS gets on brilliantly with his mum & her new children, and has his own apartment in her mansion, so I see the attractiveness to him.

DH & I have had two previous christmases together, and both have been tricky & upsetting.

The first DSS told DH that he wouldn't be with us for christmas, if he had to put up with my family, so DH pressured me to spend christmas day with just him & his DS (and I was going to try to persuade my DS). I was upset with this, as I'd seen my family every christmas for the past 40 yrs, but I made the sacrifice.

In the end DSS decided to go to his mums (he was living with us then), so I didn't see my parents or my DS.

Lst year DSS decided to come to us... great! It was the first year for DD (my parent's first grandaughter), but DSS again blackmailed persuaded DH that he wouldn't be here if my family were. So I didn't see them again. My DS was invited, but DH made it clear that he wouldn't give DS a lift home, as he wanted a drink, and that DS wouldn't be able to drink (he can't drive), so DS decided not to come.

This year DSS has to work till 7pm christmas eve, so theroretically couldn't come anyway thank goodness unfortunately.

However, his mum is going away for christmas, ans doesn't want him left alone, so he's asked DH to travel to scotland to collect him... I am NOT happy with this.

To be honest yes it's not nice if he's alone, but my DS hasn't got a dad, yet he's been alone at christmas. I also didn't want DSS this year anyway. I have to have a caesarean due to heart & mobility problems, and do NOT want the house turned upside down. We have NO space (very small 2 bed house), and I just want it to be us. I also don't want DH travelling 300-400miles, and leaving me alone with two young kids, especially as I won't be able to pick up DD. I aslo had very bad PND with DD, and it was DH leaving me alone, when I was anxious that caused this... I just don't want it. I don't even want the hassle of cooking for my DS on christmas day, let alone DSS.

DSS has suggested that DH stay in his house christmas eve night, and they travel back christmas morning.

To be honest I feel like packing my bags, going to my mums & NOT seeing DH over the whole christmas period. He can then miss out on his new family. I don't see why we have to be really inconvenienced as DSS's mum wants to do as she pleases...and having a young lad sleeping on the couch, when I'll be getting up all hours (and possibly be up throught the night feeding the new baby), having my boobs hanging out just really upsets me.

I'm not asking if I'm being unreasonable, as frankly I don't give a damn, but more asking how to tell DH to tell his ex wife that it just isn't on?

Well I don't think you can refuse to have dh's son for xmas
but you can tell dh to tell him that he must get the train
for goodness sake he is 21 after all!

He can't they don't run that late at night - can't see why I can't refuse to have him - after all he's refused to have my parents here, and if he stays so should my son!!!!

Anyway I'm not sure my relationship is worth this much hassle.

Also DH has lost his jpob & we are surviving on JSA & really strapped for cash, so we really can't afford the petrol for the trip

could you get xmas eve off work?

why can't your son come as well?

the issue seems more bwtween you and dh

you need to put your foot down and tell dh to stop pandering to his son

sorry I mean dss get time off work for train journey

i think at 21 he needs to sort himself out travel wise
why has your son spent t on hisnown, couldn't he have at least gone to your parents?

Kick dh right up the arse, hard.

Why is it all about him?

I feel really sorry for your ds.

I don't work, I will have a three week old (maybe younger, maybe older). There really isn't enough room for my DS, or his DSS. We have one sofa in our lounge & no room for another, and to be honest DSS makes me feel rubbish, he's constantly mentioning women that his dad fancies, last year kept asking his dad if he had a hard-on looking at a woman on tv, constantly went on about the looks his dad liked, making me feel crap (and I had PND then). Plus DH let DSS play on his games console - in the lounge - when I put DD to bed (only took about 10 minutes) then when I complained DH said it was only fair for his DS to feel at home - I spent every night upstairs in bed from 7pm, as his son wanted to play on the console...

I think he should have not played on the console AT ALL. Yes he may be bored, but to voluntarily visit family, then find their tv programmes boring so be allowed to play games, is totally unacceptable, if he'd wanted to play games he should have stayed home...jeez I used to stay with my grandparents, who watched the most diabolical programmes, and I still never hounded them to their rooms, because I was bored.

As I said I don't work - will have a newborn, a one year old & be recovering from a caesarean. DH doesn't work as he's just lost his job DSS is the one working till 7pm christmas eve

DSS wouldn't come (and would blackmail DH) if my DS came, as he hates my DS, and likes it to be family here at christmas - meaning him, his dad & my DD. I really won't accept DSS as family after that, he is an adult, and I'm sick to the teeth of DH pandering to him, and the emotional blackmail!

how far away from you do your parents live?
could they have your ds staying with them and then all get togther on xmas day for dinner at your parents as you'll have a newborn
what about your inlaws? could they have dss
I think if he's working until 7pm xmas eve it doesn't sound feasible for him to spend xmas anywhere but at his home
shame his mum is going away but when you're 21 you'd spend the evening out with friends anyway, perhaps he could go to a friends house for xmas dinner

My parents are quite close & they have invited us for dinner (and have every year). This is where DSS blackmails, first year by saying that he wouldn't stay if we went, so we got dinner in, then he disappeared christmas eve, having conspired with his mum!

Last year he told DH he wouldn't come if we arranged to visit my parents, so DH gave in.

So - NO - it's not a possiblity, as DSS will not come, DH will feel upset & it'll be a disaster, I, of course, long to go to my folks, my sister, brother, nephew, DS will be there, and I miss christmases with them horrendously, and to be honest feel like going there & letting DH stay here with his son!

I've never met DH's family - they live near, but he doesn't see them. They don't know that DD or I exist.

It's DSS's mum's fault if he spends it alone - it's her who is going away, taking his family. It should be her who is villified for letting DSS to christmas alone, rather than expect DH to travel to scotland & back (from SE England) on christmas eve, especially as she knows that we will have a newborn & I DON'T want DH travelling that far.

What also pisses me off, is that I bought DH his car (I don't drive). Whenever DSS comes down DH drives 25 miles to pick him up from the coach. That is where a huge shopping centre is - one I've wanted to go to for ages, yet DH won't take me ANYWHERE!!! Yet he'll go that far for DSS, and if he travels 700 odd miles for DSS, I really won't be happy!!

I think you should go to your parents for Christmas - you will need the support of your family with a one year old and a new born and it sounds like you really want to go there too.
You've made a lot of sacrifices by the sounds of it for your DH and DSS over the past few Christmases and this year it needs to be the way YOU and your little family NEEDS and WANTS it to be.
Your DSS is 21! Your DH definately needs to get his priorities in order and number one on that list should most certainly be you - I certainly don't expect to be having to still be accommodating my DSD when she is 21 just because she wants it!
I think you need to be very clear with your DH about what it is you will be expecting of him when your/HIS next baby is born, and about the festive period. And if he doesn't like it? Go to your parents house, spend time with your family and let them fuss over the kids and you because you sound like you deserve it so much.
I hope you get the Christmas you deserve

ok - in my very honest opinion.....this problem is NOT about Christmas.

It sounds very much as if your DH has been treating you like a second citizen doormap for a long time. You're not allowed to spend Christmas with YOU OWN DS in case it upsets his son? And you allowed him to bully you into this? More than once? And you bought him a car which he refuses to take you places in? Really?

Sorry, but what are you getting out of this relationship?

i could not agree more. the last few posters are all correct.

start putting yourself and your kids first.

WTF is HIS son more important than yours ? If SS really can't stand DS then at the very least Xmas should be taken in turns. Your DH is the problem here though at 21 SS must also take responsibility for being a nasty spiteful rude manipulative troublemaker - however, DH isn't taking any action to nip this in the bud and is instead pandering to his every demand. As others have said though this goes beyond Xmas .... the console thing is horrendously rude from a supposed adult - has he never heard of reading a book, but that's by the by as it's DH allowing/encouraging this. Quite obvioulsy both you and your DS are seen as waaayyyy down the pecking order. The car thing is appalling - in that case DH sounds like a user. How dare he enjoy your gift but refuse to let you benefit from it ?! I feel terribly sorry for you.

Go to your parents - sod them. Not ideal I know but far better than remaining at home to be treated like a second class citizen. And hardly the ideal time I know but I'd be thinking beyond Xmas about the future very seriously.

What Mary said.

And also, if I was your ds, I would be really upset that you continually put your arse dh and arse dss before him (been him)

I would not, under any circumstances have my own 21 yr old step son tell me that if I invite people (family, in your case) on Xmas day then he will boycott the event. The very best thing you could have done would have been to invite your own parents and let DSS sort himself around that.

You've given in long enough. You will be at a low ebb I think, with all this stress, a baby and a newborn to care for. Go to your mums. Have your own son there with you if he wishes. Get some support and frankly, let your DH and his spoilt son get on with what they're doing. Your DH needs to take a long hard look at his crap behaviour. He's a disgrace.

I've just read your other thread Karma ... hope everything's okay. We figured your DH is enough of a disgrace from this thread, but the other one confirms it ten-fold.

What an awful situation.
Sounds like your DH is massively overcompensating where his son is concerned and DSS has got used to being able to dictate terms. Not healthy for anyone concerned.
If I were you I would want to spend Christmas with my parents, being looked after and enjoying my new baby and family. If your DSS cannot bear spending time with your family - rude, but fair enough, but your DH needs to also make some compromises about how you split your time over Christmas.
We tend to split Christmas, by the DSC having Christmas Eve and most of the day with their Mum and her family, then to ours in the evening for dinner with us and my Mum, then over to DP's parents for a few days between Christmas and New Year. There has to be some give and take, but it's got to be fair.

As others have said take you snd your children to your parentsand have a nice time.

I would also be inclined to take the car keys with you.

How is your H going to afford the petrol to pick up his son.

karma, what is your DH's response if you point out that it's not fair or reasonable that his DSS has got his own way for three Christmases in a row, while you and your DS have to fit in around his completely selfish demands? Does he acknowledge this or not?

riverboat DH doesn't have any concept of what's fair and what is not.

He's currently throwing away things of mine. Things that have been left in the out house since I moved in with him (being the only things I was allowed to keep).

He's just put all my DS's Thomas the Tank Engine collection on Ebay. His son's toys & sentimental bits are in the loft.

He's also thrown away some cuddly toys of mine that were outside, yet in the loft is all the ones he bought for his first wife (which should be chucked IMHO).

Having promised I could have my books in the house as soon as a decent bookcase was found (as the ones I wanted were too cheap looking ) he's now got two, they are both in the out house, with his tools on, and when I say I want my books in he moans, saying we will then have to get a display cabinet for his model cars, as they "at least look nice to look at". There isn't enough room for a display cabinet - at all, nor a bookcase to be fair, but then in the bedroom he's got three keyboards, and m books are precious to me.

None of this is my stepson's fault at all, but there is now no way I will entertain having him here - or if he is here - then there is no way that I will be accommodating, after all, I'm treated as nothing more than a guest, and I'm pissed off the DSS has his 'things' stored safely in the loft, whilst mine has been thrown away... DSS's stuff should ALL be thrown out.

This is not good. Does he like you? I'd sit down together and tell him how upset you feel. And well you might.