Dp's children same age as me, why am I expected to be mum?

[blossomgirl]

Hi i've been battling for some time with my feelings towards dp's grown up children. They are actually the same age as me (i'm one year older than his son and three years older than his dd)
The thing is we are under severe financial strain and truely struggling, and with the run up to christmas i'm really resenting them...
Last year it was arranged they would come here for a boxing day meal, and they turned up 3hrs late saying "our ma makes luvly chips" (its the west country) having just eaten at their mothers house. I'd spent all my Christmas gift money on this meal. This is'nt the only time they have cost me my last penny, is this how it is with other children? I never thought it would be expected of me to pay for them, but their dad is my ds's dad and i seem to be parent by proxy.
Have told dp i'd like to not be put in that situation again and dp agreed, low key and no meal. Sounds fine but then his ds rings up, says he will visit one evening this week and can his dad give him a lift home. I anticipate as usual that the £5 needed for fuel to do this will have to come from my purse, dp being eternally awful with money and his ds not to be asked to pay for the lift on the grounds "he is my son fgs"

So i've stewed on it and got myself into an awful mess by telling dp that i'm not being taken advantage of by them like this, but he's taken it to mean that I don't want to see them and is clearly gutted by my anger towards them. They are adults tho. How do you stand your ground with partners other children without seeming like a nasty witch?
This has come on top of dp and I just reaching a workable set-up with money (thanks for support in relationships on that one), and is threatening to spoil Christmas.

Do they work? why can't they drive themselves over?

Hello. No dp's son has no car. He lives with his mum on the other side of the city, works when he wants to feed his hoby (mountain bikes) and lives off his mum. He has no bike in the road atm.

Point out to them that you are the same age as them and will not take responsabilty for them seeing their dad, although they are of course welcome when they do finally organise themselves to get there.

Just don't. Some people will let other people run their lives.

How will dp's son travel to your house? Can he not travel home the same way?

Or, could your dp say something like "of course, I'm happy to give you a lift home. But money is tight at the moment, and I don't have the spare cash for petrol, so will need you to contribute".

I'd casually drop into conversation to your dp to have some cash on him when his ds visits as he never has any and will want a lift. I think your dp should reimburse you for your money spent on his grown up children fgs.

Yes, think i have to make the issue separate to them, which is something iv'e always left as private between their dad an i. Guess ill have to wear the concequences of not being as generous as their mum (or dad)

shanksies pony? night bus? taxi (pay for it himself)?

you and your dh have a few drinkies then he can't give him a lift

thanks all your suggestions are sound, just feel like putting a boot up his backside (dp's son).