am i expecting too much?

[supersnowydaybaby]

Someone give me advice, an opinion - anything really, please!! My skids are 6 and 3, they live with me and their dad full time and i gave up work to look after them a year ago. this has actually worked out really well and we all get along great - as long as it is the kids and just one of us, ie me or dad. what i mean by that is from 8 - 6 every week day the kids and i have our routines and rules etc, like any household does, and with the odd exception (of course) all is hunky dory. then dad comes home and brattiness reigns supreme. on weekdays i can usually maintain some degree of authority and order but weekends and holidays are just so frustrating for me! i see two well mannered (as well as can be expected for 6 and 3!), well behaved kids turn into moany whiney brats with no manners at all and i might just as well be the invisible woman. i suddenly seem to transform into the classic evil stepmother who just says "dont do this, you cant do that etc" which makes me feel terrible as im really not like that!hubby was on his own with skids for a year before i moved in and i think spoiled them quite a lot to compensate for the fact their mother left them (she had affair and walked out). by his own admission he says he is a pushover and cant stand to see the kids upset. every time i talk to him about it he says he understands and is maybe slightly firmer for a few days but then same thing happens again, i moan again and he says i need to lighten up and relax. i would, but then its me that has to reinforce the boring stuff like eating veg, cleaning teeth, saying please and thankyou etc when he's at work as i refuse to put up with whining and brattiness.3 year old is esp bad. it is so frustrating as i know that they can behave beautifully and they do most of the time - just mostly when theyre just with me! i dont think i have unrealistic expectations of them - do i? i know i am v lucky to have skids who actually do behave for me and get on with me, but with xmas holidays beginning i can just feel my hackles rising...!!!

er... sympathies. sounds like a frustrating place to be.
i am FT mum to my own 3 boys (last due next month, first only 2.5) and step mum to young Bob who is nearly 6 and the product of the end of dp's last marriage. he only comes to stay with us every other w/end and the occasional longer spell and i do find it hard that there is one standard for his behaviour and another for the ones who live here all the time. he, like yours, is much better with me on my own but can get round daddy v easily.
it can be really hard, but luckily all the boys seem to be bonding nicely now, and dp seems to be slowly coming round to being a little firmer with him. Not horrible, just not such a doormat!
i actually adore my ss (is that the right way to write it?) but have had very frustrated times watching him behaving badly and not feeling able/supported to deal with it the way i would want to.

your case is different tho coz you have them FT so i think you have every right to expect some more backbone from your partner, not that its ever that black and white.
have you thought about maybe he or both of you looking into some 'parenting' classes or something? The Parent Practice in south london has some interesting looking courses and workshops which might help give tools and an arena for positive discussion on the subject...
i've not actually taken any of their classes, as its not that convenient for me to get there, but they def look interesting and im sure there must be others like them, if youre in a different area...