DSD's mother, again :-(

[MissIngaFewmarbles]

have namechanged but mj if you're around, I bought the bed from you.

DSD has been going to karate after school til 4.30 with my DDs once a week which works well for my college course and her Mums work.

DH got a text today saying that she couldn't aford it anymore and DSD wasn't bothered so she wouldn't be going any more, meaning she had discussed (read manipulated) DSD before she mentioned it to us. We have joint residency so surely we get a conversation about things that affect all of us?

also ASC will be the same cost as karate so unless she's going to let her 7yo wander the streets it doesn't make any difference financialy. It does stick in my throat that she says she can't afford things for DSD when she spends E@@ plus a month on her hair.

this isn't the first time she's done this, she pulled the same trick when DSD did ballet a while ago. I don't know what to say or do and I'm just so angry that yet again she has manipulated DSD and put helself first.

Are you absolutely sure that is isn't true that DSD doesn't want to do karate any more? Or that DSD didn't decide she didn't want to go to ballet any more? I mean, that she isn't actually following DSD's wishes. I guess I'm asking that because if ASC is going to cost her the same, I'm not quite sure I understand in what way her mum has put herself first? (I'm not saying you are wrong, or that she hasn't - just that it doesn't seem clear from your post)

when DSD was with us last week she kept saying completely unprompted how much she was enjoying it. The girls have been heading into the garden every day to practice the (non contact) moves. I have no idea why she would do this, other than to keep her away from the DDs perhaps. I know she thinks my kids are awful and she doesn't like DSD to spend any more time with them than is absolutely necessary. Maybe that's it.

ditto ballet. DH and I have both heard her explaining to DSD that she doesn't like something any more. The poor kid just goes along with it. She's asked us to speak to her Mum before about this but tbh it just makes it worse.

ah, ok...just clarifying because I'm sure my exH and his DW spend a lot of time muttering about what a bad mum I am, and I'm not :). Between them, my DDs have started and stopped ballet lessons more times than they've been on a bus!!

Not sure what to say really in that case :(

TBH I would just pay for the karate for your DSD as she is enjoying it so much.

we have 4 dc including dsd and we really cant afford it. I promise that as much as we think she is a terrible parent we would never criticise her in front of or in earshot of dsd, we care too much about her feelings. It's a shame her mother doesn't feel the same way :(

Could you offer to go halves

we were paying half already, as we do for all her activities :(

"we were paying half already, as we do for all her activities" - I guess if she'll be out of pocket then - I assume you won't be paying half of he childcare, ie ASC?!

In fact, could you use that to manipulate her into allowing DSD to still go to karate? I mean, could you say you're happy to pay half for karate but if she wants to use ASC she'll have to sort it out herself?

sorry, extra words, missing letters...it's obviously getting late and my brain is turing to mush. perhaps I should get a small G&T to see if that helps

aaaaaghhhh see, TURNING obviously!

The thing is if she isn't willing for her to go to karate, we'll have to pay for DSD to go to ASC on our weeks not karate with her sisters. I am so fed up with this shit from her. I am more fed up that yet again DSD is suffering due to her Mum acting like a selfish cow

Sorry just realised I haven't properly explained. Karate is £5 per week paid termly so £50 a term, £25 per household. ASC is £5 per day, paid termly in advance, every other week for each family is £25.

Sorry was I not clear on how she came to this decision

I'm obviously being as thick as my granny's custard, but does DSD live with you and her mum alternate weeks? (I'm assuming that because you pay for childcare every other week). If that is the case, can't her dad decide to send her to karate on his weeks, ie every other week? (I realise you'd have to pay for every week so it would cost you a bit more...but you could then justifiably leave DH's ex financially responsible for her weeks and the ASC)

Is it possible she gets childcare costs reimbursed from tax credits, but not karate? (I get 80% of ASC reimbursed, but not activity clubs)

But suspect the issue here might be that she's unhappy with her DD enjoying activities with her step-sisters - her DD's in a family that she's not included in - not a reasonable stance at all but could explain her strage behaviour. Tough one in terms of what you do about it though.

Purple, this is the problem, when someone doesn't mind using their own child as a weapon but we do mind how she feels we are going to lose every time on a practical basis. I think all we can do is offer to pay for the karate for all weeks and hope that she accepts that. I doubt she gets tax credits as she earns very close to what DH does. Difference is she only has herself and DSD to pay for, DH has him, me (for the next 4 years) and 4 DC.

Even icf she was difficult, if she was genuinely struggling we would be happy to help to make sure that DSD has what she needs and wants (within reason).

In case anyone is interested we have come to a compromise with DSDs Mum (kinda). She will pay for half the lessons as she does now but we will pay for all the kit and gradings etc.

As she 'lost' that battle she has decided to try and cancel DSDs drama class that she goes to on a Saturday morning (that she chose 3 months ago) as 'they are away a lot of weekends and they are busy' ie I can't be arsed to take her They don't go away for a lot of weekends, and I really am ROFLing that she thinks her household (her and DSD plus cat) is busier than ours (me, DH, 4 DC and 2 dogs). detach detach detach, nope too late, head has exploded

madness, complete madness

Isn't it. DH checked with DSD and told her Mum in no uncertain terms that DSD loves her drama lessons and she will continue them for as long as she wants to. Also if she can't be bothered to take her on the weeks she has her she can explain why.

will it ever get any easier?

at her behavior.