SD in bath with boyfriend!

[dorothymarguerite]

It's my first time posting here, but I felt the need to let out my (sometimes) frustration somewhere neutral.

This afternoon, my stepdaughter and her boyfriend decided to have a bath in our family bathroom upstairs. She is 16 1/2, he 17 1/2. They returned from an all night party at about noon and a couple of hours later I heard the bath running upstairs. I first assumed it was for her, but when I took a phone call for him (!) and went to take the phone upstairs, it appeared they were both in the bathroom (and in the bath together).
I was livid. I composed myself and said from the upstairs landing that this would be the last time they would do this as it was not appropriate behaviour in the middle of the afternoon when we (the rest of the family, including my 6 mth yo and (nearly) 4 yo) were all at home.
I then went out with my little ones as I was so cross.
But later they seemed uncharacteristically sheepish. Nevertheless, I apologise for being cross and said I hoped they understood why, to which I got a mumbled "yes".

But am I being unreasonable?

Some history: this year, my sd and I have been getting on better, since she started dating her boyfriend. Of course, we've had our flare ups, but the atmosphere is so much better than when she came to live with us two years ago. Then it seemed almost every exchange ended in a row. I found those first 15 months horrendous. Things are better now.

As for parenting her, her dad makes the decisions on her boundaries and is the primary parent. I take a back seat as it has seemed best to do so given our previous confrontations. From observation, he gives her a very long leash. She's allowed to do what she wants almost and he doesn't insist on her letting us know where she is and when she'll be back. She's hopeless with her mobile phone, although her boyfriend is not. But I do get some say in what goes in the house and her dad mostly supports me in this even if it is silently. With the younger children being here, I do want her to be a good role model for them or at least not a bad one. Sometimes we struggle with this last point as prior to asking to come to live with us, she was an only child with her mum and her mum's partner (whom she loathed).

When I was 16 I was having baths with my boyfriend, albeit in college halls, not at home. However my parents wouldn't have been outraged if I had.
They were sheepish rather than defensive, so no harm done.

your house, your rules. it's that simple, really. maybe the rules need to be more explicitly stated, but you are certainly entitled to set some.

sounds like it worked out as it should (more or less, although i rather think the apology should have been from them to you and not the other way around!) and hopefully there will be no repeats.

Yes, it seems to have ended well (so far). I didn't want to have a falling out with them about it, just let them know firmly that it was not acceptable and it wasn't up for debate. One never knows with teens though... arguments are never far away it seems.

I certainly would never have bathed with my boyfriend at home or my boyfriend's house when parents had been around or might be coming back. Yes, they knew we were sexually active, but being discreet was what was required and I expect the same from DSD especially as she has younger half siblings.

For me it's about respect and discretion. I wondered how she and he would feel if I and her dad went and had a romantic bath mid-afternoon when her boyfriend was over... I'm sure it'd make them feel very uncomfortable... as i recall, as a teen no one likes of their parents being sexually active.

Yes, it seems to have ended well (so far). I didn't want to have a falling out with them about it, just let them know firmly that it was not acceptable and it wasn't up for debate. One never knows with teens though... arguments are never far away it seems.

I certainly would never have bathed with my boyfriend at home or my boyfriend's house when parents had been around or might be coming back. Yes, they knew we were sexually active, but being discreet was what was required and I expect the same from DSD especially as she has younger half siblings.

For me it's about respect and discretion. I wondered how she and he would feel if I and her dad went and had a romantic bath mid-afternoon when her boyfriend was over... I'm sure it'd make them feel very uncomfortable... as i recall, as a teen no one likes to think of their parents being sexually active.

I think next time you get angry, you shoudln't apologise. I would be furious if one of mine did that when I was in. It's just totally inappropriate.

I was a shocker of a teen but at least made the effort to ensure backs were turned before behaving badly.

Surely her dad is pretty shocked?

Well, your rules, your house etc.....but personally I can't see what the problem was. It was only a shared bath. I don't see how that makes her less of a positive role model. If anything it models two people in a committed relationship doing nice stuff together. But, she could have checked with you first to see if it would be ok.

I think you're being a bit harsh. I'm assuming that your bathroom door has a lock, they they had locked the door, and that your smaller dcs are young enough not to see bath-sharing as a risque thing to do (I remember sharing baths with friends and siblings up to about age 8/9 and thinking nothing of it). It's your house, your rules, though, so if you think it's inappropriate, tell them that in a calm way, face to face. Unless they were audibly shagging in there, shouting through the bathroom door and storming out of the house was a bit OTT.

I guess my response and the two that follow shows basically everyone has different attitudes about whether 16 or 17 year olds should be publicly having a sexual relationship in their parents home. I now see I am more prudish than I thought!

Its your house so what you say goes. It wouldn't bother me as I am obsessed with how much hot water we use

I aree with wellwisher. DC's would not have realised the significance of having a bath together so no harm done there. My older sister had her boyfriend over the spend the night when they were 16/17 and it never shocked me or gave me perverse ideas as a child. If it were me, I would have more of an issue with the self indulgence of coming home late and bathing in the middle of the day, even if she was doing it alone. Of course if she is not allowed to have him over to sleep and you wouldn't approve of them having sex in the house (even at an appropriate hour) then of course I can understand your feelings.

I know my DSD sleeps with her BF when they're here and its fine. But yes I would have a problem with them sharing a bath when the other DCs are about.

I wouldn't have a bath with DH during the day when the kids were around, so it has to work both ways.

The thing for me is that it sounds like it was ok for SD to have her boyfriend spend the night, so that makes me wonder why the bath was such a big deal.

oops my assumption - they'd returned from an all night party. But the Op's post does suggest to me that it is acknowledged that they are having a sexual relationship.

OP do youallow themto share a bed when the BF stays over?

YANBU

YANBU

I wouldnt allow it.
You are setting boundaries. I dont blame them for trying it on, they do stuff like that.

But if you didnt mind it happening I wouldnt think you were a dreadful person either. Its got to be down to what you feel is acceptable for your family.

I was fostering my DS's gf for a while (on a informal basis) and I made sure they slept in separate rooms of course. They were under the impression that as soon as she turned 16 they would be sharing a room.

This was not the case and I told them in firm tones

A 16-year-old who lives at home is still a child. I don't think it is at all prudish to expect them to respect rules and be discreet, regardless of whether or not the parents are ok with the sexual relationship or not.

I also disagree that it would have no meaning to the other kids. I think kids are conscious of the differences between kids or family bathing together and teenagers who are going out together. If not, they really should be made aware, IMHO - it is important for children to have a strong sense of privacy and of sexual versus nonsexual nudity and touching. Not because you have to teach them that one is 'wrong' or 'shameful' or any such nonsense - but kids need to understand the difference, for lots of reasons, and I think most kids raised in healthy environments do 'get it'.

I probably sound more conservative about this than I feel...but I think if it is important to the OP, then that is all that matters, not what anyone else feels about teenage sexuality.

Unacceptable lack of respect for you and your home. Just "NO!!"

Thanks for all your comments.
No, her boyfriend is not allowed to stay the night. We have said now.
However, she is allowed to stay the night at his house in his room. His parents have said yes.
Yes, of course we know they are having sex and we've discussed this with her. She is on the pill (organised herself).
I did say to her that I accepted that she may well have sex with her boyfriend in her room when he was here, however I said that it was very important that she did not allow the younger children to catch them in any compromising positions that the little ones would not understand. My (nearly) 4yo does not always knock when entering a room and she does not have a lock inside her bedroom door. So I hope, she reserves those occasions for when she is sure that the little ones are asleep or otherwise occupied. So far so good.
We are not naive enough to think they don't have sex, but I do expect her to be discreet and to my mind, romantic baths in the middle of the afternoon when we are all in is a step too far.

should read:
No, her boyfriend is not allowed to stay the night. We have said no.

I thought the thread title was saying SD was in the bath with your boyfriend

But in any case YADNBU

YANBU

When I was 17 I started staying at my boyfriend's house most weekends. It was acknowledged that I was welcome and it was clear we were having sex but DP's youngest brother was 6 at the time and we would never have done something like that as it's deeply inappropriate.

Having said that, DP's youngest brother was unusually observant and did once loudly say 'but you've got no pyjamas here!' luckily I'd pre-empted this by bringing a pair from home. As far as he was concerned that's what I wore in DP's bedroom. In the bathroom he would have known we were both naked IYSWIM.