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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

phone calls from exes - how many a week is reasonable?

26 replies

MistletoeMiggins · 14/12/2005 19:46

Just wondered....DS is 3 1/2 so conversations on the phone last 1-2 minutes and are usually drival or just answering yes or no
I feel that Mon, Fri, Sat, Sun is fine for H to ring but he wants to ring Wed too

I know it sounds silly but I work Tue/Wed/Thur and from the moment kids wake to moment go to bed it is a rush...if Im tired or stressed I just end up arguing & crying with H which obviously upsets DS.

Its hard for everyone and my concern is obviously the children. H is making me feel mean by not allowing him to ring for 3 days

what are other peoples experiences?

also it is interesting reading some of your threads, especially as I am now a BM....but I know you're all in slightly different situations as you met your DP/DH AFTER theyd split....I know I am going to be unreasonable about access to my children for HER for a few months yet but am hoping if they stay together that I can get over it

OP posts:

thecattleareALOHing · 14/12/2005 19:48

My dh rings his daughter (now 14) every night and it is really important to him. You are right - dh's ex left him for another man years ago - but I know his daughter really has thrived on unlimited telephone contact, and when his ex did leave him and left their dd with him, he never stopped her calling once. But just because he's calling his ds, doesn't mean you have to chat to him! You can make it clear you don't have time to chat, but if he calls and it's not too inconvenient (ie ds not in bath or in the middle of eating) he can have a few words with him. IN the meantime you can get on with something else.

Original poster

MistletoeMiggins · 14/12/2005 19:52

I know what youre saying but its only those 3 days I struggle - Im so tired & doing everything, and all H has to do is put down his pint/pen/conversation/TV to phone. He gets a conversation and Im left reminded that he's gone.

I feel bad now....I will try to answer & then just switch it off

OP posts:

NotActuallyAMotherChristmas · 15/12/2005 08:58

MrsM I really do feel for you on this

I know your ds is very young but could you teach him to answer the phone? He'll probably think it's great that he gets to do this and it means you don't have to speak to your exH - just explain to your ds that if it's anyone else on the phone he needs to give the phone to you. Having said that, you are in the driving seat here and if you don't want him calling I'd say make it clear to him that he's not to do it. If that doesn't work, turn the phone off. Please don't let him make you feel mean - he doesn't deserve your sympathy after what he's done to you

My DP also speaks to his dd every day, she's 12, and he's done this since he split with her Mum nearly 2 years ago. When they split, she left him for his 50 year old ex best friend who he used to work with - my DP had to cope with this other man living with his dd so I do know what you mean about this other woman being with your children. As regards me seeing his dd tho, as you quite rightly said, it's different because I didn't split them up

I'm sure you will learn to live with this tho MrsM, and one day you'll meet someone who will make you happy - you deserve no less

Just do whatever you want to do, if you can be happier your ds will be happier too

PantomimEDAMe · 15/12/2005 09:01

Can you have a chat with him and agree to compromise on him ringing once on the days you work, at a specified time?

jinglinggoblin · 15/12/2005 09:43

what about just handing the phone to your little one and then hanging up when he loses interest? i see no reason for you to speak to him at all and it might keep ds busy for a couple of minutes so you can make a cup of tea

HarkTheHeraldAIMSMUMsings · 15/12/2005 10:05

My DD (she has just turned 5) speak to her dad on the phone everyday, often more than once.

He phones her everyday and she knows that she just has to press 1 on the phone (speed dial) and she can speak to him whenever she wants.

It's important for her to know that she can tell her dad things anytime she wants.

It works for us, as I now get on really well with my xp, but can see how it might be a problem for others.

Bugsy2 · 15/12/2005 11:07

Blimey, MrsH - I think you are getting off lightly. My ex-H often calls 3 or 4 times a day. Drives me completely nuts. My children are 6 & 3 and wherever possible I get them to answer the phone. I find it really intrusive and make sure that I don't get involved in discussions with him on the phone. I am also aware that his girlfriends speaks to them on the phone too, which I find quite yukky as it strangely feels as though she is in my home.

dexter · 15/12/2005 11:23

I would feel that your son ought to have the opportunity to talk to his dad every day. Seems that if a mum and dad decide to bring you into the world then you have the right to keep talking to them every day once you're here!

Bozza · 15/12/2005 11:32

I would say that on work days you should specify a time that will be OK for him to ring (say 6.30pm) and at that time teach DS to answer the phone. If he rings at other times let the answer phone screen the call and do not pick up.

NotActuallyAMotherChristmas · 15/12/2005 11:50

Good idea Bozza

Epiffany · 15/12/2005 12:01

I never restricted phone calls tbh
save the fights for the battles that really really count, otherwise you'll be exhausted from fighting him.

anniemac · 15/12/2005 13:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

MistletoeMiggins · 15/12/2005 18:54

I came on this topic for some honest answers and I thank you all.

I have just taught DS (3 1/2) to answer the phone and then I txt H explaining he could phone every day betw 6 & 6.30pm - doesnt have to but I will never stop him or mention it again.

he phoned & DS answered "Im practising answering the phone for when Im bigger" he said....then tried to hand the phone to me but I just said if youve finished, press the big button

I feel brilliant
DS has spoken to daddy (albeit 1 sentence)
H cant accuse me of stopping access
I didnt have to speak to him

I can manage this - I think b4 I was worried he would think I was being awkward if I didnt speak plus for some reason H insists on small talk and I just dont want to talk to him about my day anymore - he relinquished that when he left.

Bozzo I think you're right - last weekend he rang 2 hours late and had mucked me around timewise during the week - that was why I was so wound up....if he knows he can phone every day & misses the time, tough.

OP posts:

BonyBethleheM · 15/12/2005 18:56

Blimey - ex-h used to ring once in a blue moon when DD1 was that age. Has only started ringing regularly now that she is 7 and that's only on a Sunday afternoon. Tbh - I get the impression that it's usually his fiancee that instigates it. Suits me! .

NotActuallyAMotherChristmas · 16/12/2005 08:41

Good for you MrsM

You're being so strong with everything, I hope you're proud of yourself because you certainly should be. One day you'll look back on all this and say "didn't I do well?"

Try to keep smiling

FruitAndNutChristmasCake · 16/12/2005 12:55

MM I think you are so lucky, my DP is only allowed to ring his kids once a week dead on 8 o clock. If he is a few mins late they ring saying that hes "forgotten" to ring them. This was agreed through a solicitor as DP was ringing the kids regularly and always being told by BM that "they were out" when he could hear them in the background. He tried to ring them once on a different day as he wouldnt be able to ring on the set day and she said "its not your day to ring" and put the phone down. DP would love to be able to phone the kids more often but its just not possible with an unreasonable ex like his!

Original poster

MistletoeMiggins · 16/12/2005 18:39

I dont see why Im lucky?

lucky that H is insisting on ringing every day BUT rings 2 hours late (overslept) or in middle of tea (cos he was about to go to the pub)
all this does is rub my nose in it - he has to give up 2 mins a day

lucky that he wants to make small talk with me - thats in between telling me its my fault hes moved out when it was him who had the affair

anyway he rang again tonight & I did the same thing - he may think Im being rude but hes ringing to speak to DS and thats what hes doing - think Ds lasted 1 minute today....

its sooo much easier - dont know what my inlaws think - they arrived today - staying the weekend to give me some help - off out on the town tonight, lie in tomorrow & bit of Xmas shopping

just hope my inlaws stay this nice when they become x-inlaws

OP posts:

anniemac · 17/12/2005 00:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

FestiveFrex · 17/12/2005 09:26

Can you afford to buy one of those phones with caller display? That way you know when it is him calling and you can choose whether to answer or not (especially if he's calling 2 hours after the agreed time). You can always say you went to bed early and didn't hear it if he makes a fuss. After all, if the agreed time is 6.30pm, 2 hours after that DS would be in bed anyway, wouldn't he?

FruitAndNutChristmasCake · 19/12/2005 08:35

Sorry MM I didn't mean you are lucky, I meant to say I think your ex DP is lucky (compared to mine as my DP is only allowed to speak to his kids once a week dead on 8 o clock). Sorry it read wrong!

NotActuallyAMotherChristmas · 19/12/2005 11:32

FestiveFrex - caller display is an excellent idea, why didn't I think of that??

Mrs M all you need for this is a caller display compatible phone - you can get one for less than £20 from Argos, more expensive if you want a cordless one, then you'll need to subscribe to caller display with BT. Think it's about £6 a quarter, well worth it. You can put names and numbers into your phone then when they ring their name will come up on your screen - same as on a mobile - then you can let your ds answer when your ex rings

PickasillyChristmasName · 19/12/2005 11:37

You can get the caller display thing free from BT - if you go to this page it should explain how.

Nightynight · 19/12/2005 12:00

dx phones when he likes, and I phone when I want when the children are with him.

cant imagine doing it any other way tbh.

Frostythesurfmum · 19/12/2005 20:54

You're great Mrs M. I've been following your threads and am totally amazed by your strength. Good on you. Your dh sounds a total pr@t.

Dh is "allowed" to phone his dd once a week in a half hour window - and he had to get a Court Order to enable him to do that! He's never missed a single call, apart from when his x's number has been unavailable - and on those days he's written his dd a letter instead so she didn't think he hadn't bothered. He'd love to be able to speak to her every day if he could, send her text messages that actually got through. What he doesn't want to do though is speak to his x unless absolutely necessary.

If his x answers, he just asks to speak to dsd, no small talk, nothing, but mostly dsd answers now anyway. What he tries to do is keep the two separate. He sticks to just speaking to dsd on her phone calls and if there is something to discuss with her mum he will phone another time. He doesn't think it's fair on dsd to have her phone call upset if he and her mother end up having "words", which is why he phones when she isn't around. I think you're doing the right thing by not speaking to him and just handing over the phone. Caller id sounds a great idea too - as long as he doesn't withhold the number or calls from a phone where it isn't identified.

Caligyulea · 19/12/2005 21:24

Ha ha Nightynight. Just musing that that's the first time I've seen DX used as an abbreviation.

Oh my, haven't you moved on! I cannot ever imagine calling xp dx.

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