Anyone else feel like they are left to deal with the crappy end of the child rearing?

[PlinkertyPlonk]

Just a rant really. Apologies in advance.

DP and I seem to end up with the shitty part of the child rearing, trying to instill some respect and courtesy in the DCS when they visit. Every time they go back to their mums, all the good work is undone and we have to start again.

Handover day is just ridiculous, but at least I can rationalise why their behaviour is so vile - it's unsettling, they want attention from DP, they are sorting out the pecking order, the eldest has just started secondary school and is still in denial that her parents have split. But it takes all weekend for things to settle down and then they are back to their mums and the cycle starts all over again.

Life at DSC's mum's is full of love and attention, but unstructured. DP is very loving with the kids too, but we have house rules based around respect and consideration for others; no fighting, good table manners, tidy their bedrooms (their only chore), no being lippy/disrespectful.

If I hear "We don't have to do that! Mum let's us drink milk from the cereal bowl/have breakfast in bed/walk around while eating dinner/eat food with our fingers/watch TV in our duvet all day/doesn't make us do chores" I am going to scream.

But maybe I'm expecting too much. I just can't stand the fighting and rudeness. The eldest kicks it off, provoking the 2 little ones and then all hell breaks loose.

that 'mummy always lets me do this, do that...etc' rings in my ears too.
TBH we just say 'in this house...these are the rules'. They are pretty similar to yours actually, food is eaten at the table, eat nicely, tidy bedroom, not answering back etc

I do feel your pain though :)

Oh yes, the ring of "well these are the rules in this house" must be one of the most common phrases heard in divorced parents' houses across the nation! I guess it's an extension of the "playing mum and dad off against each other" game.

At least, as we have the kids only part-time, we get an opportunity to step back and compare rules. So "Dad wouldn't let me do xyz, i'll ask Plinkerty" rarely happens as it doesn't normally work. Poor little blighters. We've taken all the fun out of it for them :)

Hi, I can certainly feel your pain. Things run ok when SS only away for a day or two, but wow if he goes for a week he comes back absolutely crazy, shouting, running, jumping, no table manners and a tendency to say 'I'm going to have/do that' instead of asking...

And handover is just evil. Except we've now found that handover trauma has grown to cover the full 48 hours before departure, with a slight dash of 'you're not my mum' grumps thrown in for the first hour on return (the severity of which can be judged by whether or not SS turns down a piece of homemade cake on return!).

I think it is harder for those with less time, I know SS has transplanted so many of our practices to mum's house, some of which I expect are quite annoying.

Anyway, rant away, its all you can do really as the other option of not having any rules/standards would presumably be even worse?

I dream of the day they actually ask for something instead of stating or demanding, usually that DP should get it for them. And we too have an 'arsenic hour' just before they go back, but at least an hour is bearable - 48 hours must be hell!

I used to get 'your not my mum' but after a few rounds of 'You know, you're right. But it doesn't change the rules', they seem to have given up and moved onto 'your really mean to us' towards DP.

The rules (with the carrot of pocket money) have helped; life without them would be much worse - they would literally hospitalise each other from fighting (it's come close already) and I would never have any socks/underwear because it would all be buried in their room and socks trashed from being worn outside with no shoes ('Mummy let's us...')

Thank you all for listening and being so empathetic, it really helps.