Just need to get this off my chest

[Petal02]

DH has arranged to do rugby coaching for our local ?under 12s? on SS?s midweek night. When this first came up, I knew DH was really keen to do the coaching, and I?m very happy for him to do this. I asked what he?d do about SS?s midweek night, and he said he?d speak to SS and get him to swap his midweek night for another night ? fair enough. But on Friday I heard SS telling DH that he doesn?t want to change his midweek night and still wants to come over as usual, even though DH won?t be in. DH caved in straight away, and agreed that he?d leave work early on those evenings, so that he could collect SS from college, and drop him off at our house before going to rugby ??.

Two things here: firstly it seems insane that DH should want to bring SS to our house on an evening when he?s not in (and even more insane that SS should want this to happen), but hey ? the rota always wins; and secondly, (and most importantly) what really makes me angry is that DH and I had already made an agreement between ourselves, that we?d change the midweek night, but SS is allowed to over-rule this.

On a practical level, the above won?t have an enormous impact on me, as it?s DH who does all the running around, and I fully expect (hope?) that SS will spend such evenings in his bedroom on the computer, but it?s the principle that grates ? we go to such stupid lengths to adhere to the rota, and also that DH is quite happy to undermine me.

Sorry for ranting.

I think SS sees clinging to the rota as a way of clinging to his Dad. And I think he likes to be at our house, even when no one is in, probably because he's then "under his Dad's roof." DH also seems to like having SS under his roof, even when he's at work, probably for similar reasons. Apparently SS didn't cope well when DH and his first wife split up (SS was 9 at the time). But surely after all this time, he should have recovered a little? And should DH still be making such extreme allowances? My parents separated when I was 6, and I don't recall anyone pandering to me quite like this.

DH's situation is a little different. He also has a daughter, who now lives overseas. He put his foot down with her, several years ago, about boyfriends and staying out late on school nights, they had a big row, and haven't spoken since. That happened quite a few years ago. So I can (sort of) understand why he thinks that if he ever says 'no' to SS, that he may also cease contact and ultimately move abroad. Although surely you can't live you whole life in fear of history repeating itself?

Ahh - I think you've hit the nail on the head there over the daughter thing.

That's the problem with life when you have unresolved baggage. It colours everything else.

Yep - baggage indeed. I just don't have a clue how to move this forward.

Ah, can now understand DH's motivation - is there any chance he can be reconciled with his dd? Still struggling with dss's motivation though unless he really is a reclusive teen who had no friends so going to dads represents his social life. It's just 'normal' that life forces you to change routines sometimes so never changing the routine is actually more difficult.

SMum99 ? absolutely spot-on, he?s simply a reclusive teen and going to his Dad?s is his sole distraction/social activity. Which wouldn?t seem so strange if he were 7 (for example) but at 17 it?s just plain weird, and puts my relationship with DH under pressure because he wants to hang round with this Dad as often as possible, and you wouldn?t expect this from a ?normal? 17 yr old.

I can also understand DH?s fears, given what happened to his daughter (they?ve not spoken for many years now, and there are no signs of a thaw), but even though I understand WHY DH feels like this, it doesn?t make the resulting behaviours any easier to live with.

Allnew, there's no accounting for teenagers though is there, particularly those very damaged by their parents divorce. That rota maybe makes him feel safe, who knows eh? Perhaps there is something in his makeup which makes him unable to cope with change?

I dont think he's 'simply' a reclusive teen, he seems so unhappy. I hope you dont mind me saying this Petal, but you sound as if you mightn't want him being around quite as much as he is, would that be right? And could he and your DH possibly be aware of that too? Could that be affecting things in any way too? Also, memories of what happened with your step daughter are no doubt in both their minds.

Am not trying to be obtuse but am coming at this from the viewpoint of a step parent to two DSSs (19 and 22) who were both very damaged by their parents divorce. Behaviour which seemed to be about one thing frequently turned out to be about something else entirely and it was only when you could work out what was actually driving the behaviour that things could move forward and everyone could begin to heal. Its taken us many years to get here (and lots of upset and misunderstandings on the way). Hope you can all find a way through this too.

I wouldn't mind him being around us such a lot if he was (a) a younger child; or (b) his behaviour was more age-appropriate. But the time he spends with us is quite intense because he's with us literally all the time. Again, this wouldn't seem strange in a younger child, but at his age it seems odd, and slightly freaky almost. I only found out by chance that the neighbours have a nick-name for him (i daren't post it because it makes me too identifiable) but suffice to say it's because they too think it's strange to see a six-foot school leaver trailing round after his Dad such a lot. Behaviour which is quite normal in a small child doesn't seem right in a 17 yr old and his 'residentials' at our house can be quite exhausting, he never leaves DH's side. A good example of this is the petrol station. If DH gets out the car to fill up with petrol, SS also gets out so he can stand with his Dad, and then follows him in when DH goes to pay. DH thinks this is normal. I find it quite alarming. And even if the divorce did affect SS badly, surely after all these years things shouldn't be quite like this? But he seems to cope with change in other areas of his life, areas where he isn't given a choice. He's managed to leave school and start college with out any problems, his mother now regularly leaves him overnight when she goes away (her relatives live abroad), so he can manage change when he has to, but DH won't impose any changes - just in case ........ and this is to the detriment of our lives/relationship.

Sorry if this has been mentioned but why can't SS go to rugby with his dad and help out? We've got a few teenagers who help with practice etc. U12's love 'em and get a lot it. Teenagers get a voluntary 'interest' to add to their CV!

DH would be delighted if SS would do this, but he's not interested in anything other than 1-2-1 stuff with his Dad. You can lead a horse to water .....