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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Awful, awful holiday

24 replies

reddaisy · 01/08/2011 20:20

Went on holiday with DP, teenage DSD and our toddler and I am heavily pregnant with our next DC.

It was fine for a couple of days and then DP and I had a row (fault on both sides) and he said: "You are a fucking bitch, nothing but a fucking bitch," in earshot of DD and DSD who had previously piped up during said argument. I got my bag together to leave and DP asked where I was going and I said I wasn't going to stay and be spoken to like that, especially where my DD and his DD could hear and he said: "DSD already knows (ie that I am a bitch) so don't worry about that."

It escalated from there and ended with DSD going back to her mother early in tears and DP and I are only being civil to each other but I am in floods of tears several times a day (I am on holiday from work this week but have DD to look after). DP has taken DSD out for the day today on a trip he and I were supposed to go on after I suggested it.

Clearly I don't think I am a bitch and I could list 100 things I do every week for the pair of them that backs up my view but any advice, wwyd etc? I feel so blue.

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GinAndWater · 01/08/2011 21:17

bloody hell, this sounds rough - How dare he talk to you like that ? Does he treat you like that only when DSD is around ?

Daisy-I'm sorry you feel so

I would STOP doing anything for him or DSD until you can have a calm chat and explain that you will not be treated like that.

thisisyesterday · 01/08/2011 21:22

hmmm...

has he apologised?
has it happened before?
was it one-sided or did you say anything similar to him?

do you think he just said it in the heat of the moment? has he shown any remorse?

LemonDifficult · 01/08/2011 21:25

Oh, you poor thing. That sounds rough, especially as you are pregnant.

Whatever happened in that argument, your children should never, ever, hear their father speak to their mother like that. It's very very far from OK. Even if you were being a bitch (not saying you were).

Did you know the holiday was likely to be difficult?

Original poster

reddaisy · 01/08/2011 21:29

No he hasn't apologised.

It hasn't happened before although previously he had a habit (that we managed to get out of) of arguing with me in earshot of DSD, I always felt it was like it was so he could make sure she could hear all his points and I manage to stay calm and controlled so she never heard my version if you see what I mean.

I didn't say anything like that, I did say I wanted to go home from the holiday before he said that because the only people who were enjoying it were him and DSD.

We do argue when she isn't around, but we have been getting better at talking through issues etc but I often feel ostracised in my own home whether that is what they intend or not.

I just don't know what to do. If I wasn't so worn out from crying I would be furious that he has basically given DSD licence to justify any nasty teenage thoughts she may think of me etc by him saying that to me and she absolutely loved the conflict.

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nenevomito · 01/08/2011 21:30

Oh my that's awful reddaisy. I'm not surprised at all that you're upset.

Its not on calling you that in front of he DCs and he owes you an apology at least for that. Have you spoken to him yet?

Original poster

reddaisy · 01/08/2011 21:33

No, I didn't know the holiday was likely to be difficult although I should have done as previous ones with DSD have hardly been a success.

In hindsight I should never have gone, I have previously suggested DP take DSD away during the holidays just the two of them but he doesn't want to. And the circumstances of the holiday (without being too specific) were hardly likely to be very relaxing but we started off so well.

To be fair to her, this argument was nothing to do with her IE not brought on by us disagreeing about her but she was included by overhearing and like I said she piped up during it which I found outrageous as well.

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nenevomito · 01/08/2011 21:34

but I often feel ostracised in my own home whether that is what they intend or not.

I can empathise with that. DH still uses jokes at my expense as a basis of conversation when DSD is around. Its just so devisive when they behave like that.

Original poster

reddaisy · 01/08/2011 21:35

We are being civil but haven't spoken about it since (we have been back a few days). I went my DMs for a couple of nights when we got back and then he is out with DSD for the day today so we haven't exactly seen each other.

It makes me feel sick to talk about it as we always go round and round in circles without actually resolving anything. And he would say something like: "Well, you were being a bitch because of X, Y, Z." And I haven't got the energy to counter every accusation he levels at me tbh.

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deemented · 01/08/2011 21:36

I agree he owes you an apology - but i think it needs to be in front of your DSD and DD.

I'm sorry that it was so awful for you.

But just think - it could have been worse. I went on holiday last week with manshape, my lot and DSS. And his mother. That was fun

Original poster

reddaisy · 01/08/2011 21:37

Babyheave, I don't think he realises how alienating their behaviour can be when they are together. At least now I have DD for company, before that I used to feel so alone.

I also get on much, much better with DSD when he isn't around, I feel like his divisive behaviour often sparks and exacerbates conflict between DSD and me. Although he would never see that.

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Original poster

reddaisy · 01/08/2011 21:40

Deemented - ok you win. I wish sometimes that an outsider would witness our conflicts so we could get independent advice.

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thisisyesterday · 01/08/2011 21:40

sounds horrible reddaisy :(
am appalled that he hasn't apologised... that makes it seem as though he feels he has done nothing wrong and was totally justified.

gosh.

i'd be questioning whether I could live with someone who could treat me like that, and it sounds as though there are other issues too. that said, I have no experience of living with step-children, that in itself must be challenging

StewieGriffinsMom · 01/08/2011 21:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

deemented · 01/08/2011 21:42

Have you thought about relate or something? Is that something you think he'd go for?

Original poster

reddaisy · 01/08/2011 21:44

I am questioning that thisisyesterday. But I love him. And part of me doesn't want to deprive my DD and this next baby of a father. I am very headstrong and opinionated and I'm sure he could list a million things I do wrong in his eyes.

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AmberLeaf · 01/08/2011 21:47

Thats really rotten.

Arguing within DSDs earshot is bad enough but it sounds as if he is setting it up for her inclusion [ie her piping up] why would any sensible adult do that?

No wonder you feel alienated.

nenevomito · 01/08/2011 21:47

Yes, yes, yes to the second para. Its easier when its just you and DSD as there's no opportunity for there to be a "them and us".

Thats what he was doing really, making the argument not between you and him, but you and him & DSD as an "us". Just totally out of order.

Wish I had the answer. Its easier now DSD is grown up, but my DH still does it. The cock.

nenevomito · 01/08/2011 21:48

damn - lots of xposts. Meant this one "I also get on much, much better with DSD when he isn't around,"

Original poster

reddaisy · 01/08/2011 21:55

We have had two lots of counselling in the past and tbh neither did any good, we would arrive getting on and then leave at each others throats again when the issues had been aired and weren't given any practical advice on how to resolve conflict so I don't think either of us is up for it again.

Babyheave, you aren't giving me much hope for the future, it has got easier the older DSD is but storms like this are still too frequent for my liking.

The argument started because initially I said we would talk about the problem in private when DD had her nap, then when it was eventually DDs naptime, I was shattered so I had a lie down too and didn't want to talk so DP said I was controlling the situation, we rowed and he ended with calling me a bitch so there was the intention there on both sides for the conversation to be in private.

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Original poster

reddaisy · 01/08/2011 21:58

Babyheave, I meant to add a after that but I forgot! I appreciate all the replies, advice, experiences. It is helping when I just feel at such a loss at what to do. I like the idea of him apologising in front of DSD but as they are having the day together today I have felt my ears burning with all the blame that must be being heaped on me by them.

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nenevomito · 01/08/2011 22:26

Ignore me, I'm just on a downer with DH at the mo!

The thing is that it is better. DSD is grown up so my relationship with her has changed and we get on great. She's not interested in any 'them and us' thing as she has an 'us' with her long term boyfriend (who is lovely BTW).

I can just remember how hard it is and how much it annoys me even now. But the occasions are few and far between these so its OK.

If your DP discusses the argument with DSD today though, he's a twunt though.

Original poster

reddaisy · 01/08/2011 22:35

Glad things are better for you and that you get on great now, things have got better since DSD she started going out with her friends (at her mum's because we live too far away for them to come over very easily during her stays with us) as she has more going on in her life iyswim.

I'm sure DP feels stuck in the middle but I certainly don't see this instance as being like that. But like others have posted, it isn't about stepparenting issues per se, more about his utter lack of respect for me in that moment and the impact it has on the house of cards relationships in our household.

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brdgrl · 01/08/2011 23:31

I'm sorry that happened. Like others already said - not on at all, him saying that in front of the kids, no matter what.

I think it is really important that if kids see the parents fight, to see them make up too. He not only should refuse to talk to DSD about it, but he should apologize to her and your DD for saying that in front of them, and he should let them hear him apologize to you, too. Obviously you guys have a lot to talk about in private as well, and maybe some more airing of issues, but he needs to straighten that out with DSD especially.

I hope it works out.

prettyfly1 · 06/08/2011 19:18

red apologies for delayed response but I have been away this week - how are things now? Have they settled down at all? I must admit I think his calling you aggressive names in front of any of your children is entirely unnacceptable and verbally abusive. Regardless of what you were doing to irritate him, which you should look at in your own way, there is no justification to treat your partner in that way and you saying that you cant approach it with him without him refusing to acknowledge or admit any responsibility, choosing instead to blame you, concerns me a bit. Most good relationships work on a give and take basis - everyone can be arsey, but by apologising and talking through how to improve it in the future, listening to one another and showing each other respect you can change the situation. Refusing to acknowledge your partners feelings, experiences or concerns is the direct opposite of good relationship behaviour.

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