DSD the angel. DS the demon. According to DH, anyway.

[LithiumTakeTwo]

Was going to post this in AIBU but thought you lot would understand better.

So basically got married 2 years ago and have lived together with DP, his DD and my DS every since. The kids are close in age (DSD - 14, DS - 13) and so there is a lot of in-competition between them which I suppose is normal but I find DH encourages his DD to believe she is in every way superior to DS. I can just tell he's said stuff to her by the things she comes out with and from what I've heard her say to her mates about him.

Apart from that he's constantly dragging DS down.

Examples = DS's school report came through. I read it and naturally offered it to dh to read. He read it and then instantly started saying "oh his effort levels are going down I see, I see he's a little behind in science, shouldn't he have made more progress in English?" etc etc

I said to him "where is DSD's report?" and he said "oh it hasn't come yet". I then find out through facebook that his DD's report arrived two weeks BEFORE ds's did and he had no intentions of letting me read it. I read it anyway once I realised and there was nothing horrendous on it that he'd want to hide, just the same stuff he'd been whinging at DS about, effort levels going down slightly etc. Such double standards.

Another example was we got talking about teen pregnancies and he said "oh yes, I could well imagine DS getting someone pregnant quite young, definately." Later that same night he let it slip that he'd found condoms in DSD's bedroom but he wasn't going to bring that up in our "lets slag off ds conversation" was he?? Infact I very much doubt he was going to tell me that at all.

Another one "I can really see DS going off the rails, I think he needs stricter rules and some serious supervison to stop him getting any worse."

DS has never touched alcohol yet it was only 3 weeks earlier that my Bailies bottle disapeared from the fridge and found its way into DSDs bedroom when she thought I was out for the night.

I don't want to stat arguments but I'm getting really sick of this hollier than thou attittude from DH. Anyone experienced similar? Its like he expects full updates and info on DS but he hides anything about DSD away from me. One time DS came downstairs and said "can I have a quick word mum?" and so I went upto his room and when I came back down DH said "what was all that about?" so I said "oh he's just trying his luck getting some money for saturday!" in a light hearted jokey way and he said "oh well, tough. He can't have everything he wants and he needs to get out of the habit of thinking he can pursuade you alone upstairs." A few nights later DSD came downstairs and said "Dad, I need to talk to you". He went upstairs and then came back down and so I said "what was that about?" and he stuttered and said "I can't remember". ??? He'd only just come downstairs!!! He refused to tell me what she wanted and again I find out through facebook when she posts a status saying "nice! dad has given me £20 for Friday night xxxxxxxxx" !!!!!!!

Any experience? I'm sure there will be

He sounds like an arse.

Does it seem like your DS is aware of all this? or is it subtle?

Your poor DS. I am sure he is aware of this. I would be furious, and very hurt if my partner was so nasty to my child.

Very unfair

Only thing is, I find DH is harder on DS1 than on DD. I often wonder if it's a man-boy territorial higher-expectations thing. Drives me mad though!

It's bad enough that there are double standards going on as far as his approach to the two kids are concerned, but he's also lying to you about stuff which makes it even worse. How the heck can he think that's okay ?

I hope you're picking him up on this each and every time this happens (as opposed to quietly seething). Strikes me that he knows bloody well that his daughter isn't an angel - e.g. the Bailies thing - yet refuses to acknowledge that his precious princess isn't perfect and therefore tries to deflect attention away from her failings by making snidey remarks about your son ... such as him going off the rails, AFTER his daughter is caught out. Same thing with the nasty comment about your son getting a girl pregnant, AFTER his daughter is found to have condoms.

In theory - as I'm sure you know only too well - you both need to sit down and agree together what rules and boundaries are appropriate for both kids. When they live together and are so close in age you simply can't do it any other way. However, I've got a horrible feeling that he sounds the sort of blinkered idiot father who'll "agree" yet on the quiet allow his child all sorts of privileges ..... which is why it's so important you pick him up on this immediately and leave him in no doubt how unacceptable it is and how angry you are. In other words, shame him, and challenge him. How dare he make out your son is some kind of delinquent .... even if deep down he is worried about his daughter showing signs of "bad" behaviour, him picking on DS won't improve that. Okay, DS isn't his child and he can't be expected to automatically feel the same way you do about him - not at all - but he needs to be fair and kind. He's entitled to have his opinion about DS when he genuinely misbehaves of course, but then if you both consistently treated the kids the same way then I'm sure you wouldn't mind that and in any case, if you discipline DS consistently (when required) he'd have no need to complain. I'd tell him in no uncertain terms that if he can't say anything nice about DS then he's to say nothing at all .... unless he has justifiable worries, and there are ways and ways of broaching that with you tactfully - simply slagging him off isn't the way to do it and it really does sound to me as if he's dfesperate that his child "wins" the "best kid" competition.

If he can't/won't take your understandable hurt and anger on board then perhaps it's ultimatum time ? He's being a nasty, devious and pathetic idiot by creating "good" and "bad" kids and it's not on.

If his daughter is starting to play up (drinking, condoms - I'd be worried about those things) maybe he is trying to deflect attention by focusing on your son rather than her.

Sometimes Dads feel a bit scared of broaching all that girly stuff and are basically just sh*tting themselves their daughters will get pregnant or whatever. Maybe he feels it is easier to challenge a boy (similar to what Ormirian said above).

Whatever the reason its not on and will not be good for either kid really as quite confusing.

:( Needs nipping in the bud. Poor DS. :(

I agree-nip it in the bud. Tell him that you are not having it.
Sit down and draw up rules-for all the family.

Your poor ds . At his age he knows what is going on . Shame on you for not covering his back when he is not there and letting it get this far. If even his own mum cant stick up for him who can .

I think catsmother is spot on.

Like exotic said, a big sit down, open discussion and 1 set of rules for all kids. That would be a deal breaker for me.

I think that you sit down with DP first and draw up a list of rules of things that you will do and not do and make sure they are fair e.g. if DC1 is suddenly given £20 for no reason (other than wrapping parent around little finger)DC2 gets £20 too.
Write them down and hold him to them.

Then sit down -both of you-with both DCs. They are old enough to be honest. Say that as they are living in the same house and are similar age the rules are going to be the same and they will be treated equally. I would even be quite formal and have regular family meetings so that if anyone thinks there is unfairness going on they can air it before everyone.

I think the bottom line is your DP doesn't like your son - maybe feels that he is a rival for your affection or whatever. It isn't always easy to like a child that isn't yours, but I think all this negative stuff he is coming out with about your son is to rationalise his dislike of him. How do you feel about his daughter - do you like her - are you envious of the attention her dad gives her.

There are 2 sub groups in your family aren't there - you and your son and DP and his daughter. I actually think the way your son is being treated will seriously affect his self esteem. It probably won't get any better,so I think you have to think who you are going to put first your DP or your son.

There is a lot of truth in what NinaNina says. I would make sure that you send off DS with DP sometimes to do things on their own and you go off with DSD and do things on your own. Really get to know them.