Helping dss feel like part of the family? Advice please

[sugarbea]

Ok so our family set up is a little different from others. My oh and I have 2 children 6 and 18 mo. My dss is 2.5 ...... You do the maths. Oh and I had split for 6 months when ds was 4 resulting in a few brief encounters and ultimately dss. So although a little unorthodox we have a relatively happy/ normal family life with all dcs regardless of what order they arrived. My dd also has a rare health condition, has had 14 ops and regular hospital appointments so life is just a lot more special and precious to us all and family is the most important thing for us. After a lengthy mediation session my oh was granted access every other weekend to dss which has now changed to one day every weekend. Dss can often come quite distressed (he settles down as soon as he's here at the house though ). He wants his mum and I understand he is only 2 and a half. When we are out especially he clings to his dad or can just become inconsolable. He won't come to me or hold my hand or cuddle me and I feel awful that I can't help. I now just let oh make the decision on how to deal with it but feel like by ignoring him I'm not treating him like my own. Fyi they all favour oh so because of their ages all look like they are mine. My dcs adore him and try and include him in everything and at times he joins in but sometimes I feel Like the bond between my dcs is so strong that he is left out. Is this just attachment issues with his mum because he's still so young or something more? Apologies for the lack of paragraphs my iPhone doesn't agree with them.

I'm not an expert... but don't try and do too much. Don't worry that he won't come to you. Just be nice as possible, have lots of kids activities/toys around and be as low key as possible.
Maybe don't even go out that much. don't worry what people think. Just be as nice as you can be and don't expect too much back. Think about a 2.5yr old just starting nursery - they might come distressed but might quietly start joining in with things as you go...

That sounds very tricky, but Nonno's advice is good, I think. I used to have dss's slippers waiting by the front door when he arrived - bed made with Thomas duvet cover, often with a comic or something tiny on it. He was four though. I actually think 2.5 is very young for overnight visits. I read something by the NSPCC once which said the best thing for children in split families is short daily contact as toddlers, day trips at three, overnights at four. By complete fluke, that is what we did with dss.

I guess that isn't feasible in your situation, but would it be possible to take dss home for bed rather than keeping him? You could build up to overnights when he is older.

Whatever you do, I would make sure he has his own special space, that he has some favourite toys, and that things are as low-key as possible. it will, I am sure, get better in time.

You, by the way, sound like a fantastic sm!