How do I cope being a step mother to a teen who resents me?

[Xenadog]

The title says it all really. Partner and I moved in together 4 months ago. He moved himself and his 2 sons 60 miles to my home town. Oldest son is 18, youngest nearly 16 and just sat his GCSEs, His educaton wasn't too disrupted as he boarded in the week but the situation wasn't ideal and OH wasn't prepared to wait until the summer as the traveling for him (to me and back) was hard and he had a new job to move to as well. BTW I would have moved to be nearer my OH but he wanted a fresh start and was determined to move to my town.

Anyway, oldest son is off to uni in September and is working so I rarely see him. Apart from a few teething troubles at the start things are OK. The youngest through REALLY resents me. If OH an dI take him out he acts like a spoiled 6 year old ruining the atmosphere for everyone. He admits he is jealous of me and can't help it. OH has spolied him terribly though as the boys' mother has little contact with them due to her abuse of them when they were young. He now struggles to say "no" to the boy and does not carry out sanctions that he threatens.

I am not a mum myself, have never had the maternal urge but I am a secondary teacher and do like teens so I had hoped it would be OK. Now though I realise that I don't have the skills to deal with such a damaged family (OH's ex was a nasty piece of work and even now when she does have contact messes with the boys' heads) and I need some help.

I don't resent any time OH spends with his boys, am happy for him to go off and do stuff with them which doesn't include me and I just want there to be no atmosphere in the house or rudeness/sulks/attention seeking.

Any advice would be really appreciated.

Thanks XD

Rudeness/sulks/attention seeking and a sometimes horrible atmosphere sounds pretty normal to me. You sound like you have a great attitude so I would suggest just being very low key around your step son and let your OH do the parenting.

I think you are right - HRH etc(!) I do take it personally. I don't expect us to be the Waltons but maybe it's because I have always been the type of teacher who has good relationships with the kids I teach I kind of thought it would help along the way with the boys. I keep reminding myself that I am NOT a parent, have no idea of how to parent and they don't want me being their parent anyway!

Ungratefulchild I do do the low key stuff; Oh wants me to spend more time with the boys though but I insist this needs to come from them and not me. I guess I need to grow a thicker skin and keep my head down. OH does do all of the parenting but how do I keep it shut when he is overtly being rude, disrespectful, etc etc in front of me (though never to me)?

Thank you so much for the replies.

Poor you. As the others have said, its not about you. At all. Hope that message from all of us helps you feel a bit better.

My DD and I love each other to bits but we argue a lot. She too is nearly 18 and we dont see her much either. So it is perfectly normal behaviour and am afraid whilst we all hope for no rudeness, attention seeking and sulking, its often not like that.

I'm also a step mum to two boys - 18 and 21. Although the boys havent been through what your husband's children have, there have been some biggish difficulties along the way. All I can suggest is being fair, calm and consistent with them (particularly the younger one), I do think its better all round if they know what to expect. And of course a consistent message from you and your DH is best of all if thats possible. If there is anything that you like to do that they - or one of them - also enjoy, perhaps do it together occasionally. My younger DSS is now really interested in cooking so we do that together.

My younger DSS struggled with jealousy as did my DD of my now DH. Just plod on, accepting its going to be crap sometimes but that they are good kids at heart, damaged by everything that has gone on. Not a magic wand I know, but if its any consolation, there's proper love between the step children and step parents in our family now, its taken years but we are there. Lots of luck with this

I think the same HRH. OH had such a rubbish time with his ex that he wants us all to "be together" which isn't ideal for me as I have lived on my own for a number of years and the kids are used to having him all to themselves. The problem is as the kids have moved down they don't have any friends locally yet - I am sure once they do they will be out all of the time.

Follyfoot that was good to hear that. Thank you. I guess all I can do is plod on and see what happens. I have tutored the younger one for his English exams which did help to build a bridge and I am now just wondering what the next step could be.

I wish I did have that magic wand - I'd be waving it like mad!!! :)

There'll be plenty more bridges along the way, or maybe just stepping stones, but they will come. Bloody hard work but rewarding in the end

Pass me the magic wand if you ever find it!

I myself am a step mum to 2 (14 & 17) teenagers and I came along after their parents had split.

It never really dawned on me how hard it is to be a parent never mind a step parent. How selfless you have to be and how much sharing of things you had never planned to share needs to be done!

There are the odd days when I see that my black leather jacket is getting on the school bus along with my favourite handbag and my 14 year old step daughter, and at that moment I feel a little resentful of the constant invasion of my privacy. Or when I have noticed that my stepson can't bothered to look for his toothbrush so I find him on the landing using mine again or that I come to get a tampon and there are none left because his girlfriend has been camped out with us for a week and there are now 3 girls using them rather than just me and my step daughter!!! However these things are part of the deal! And really it's ok. But for that moment I am grumpy - quite but grumpy!!! But I have had to train myself to deal with it!

You are right it is rewarding and bridges pop up in the most unlikely places.

oh god yes. My DH's youngest came to live with us as he was in a horrid situation at home with his mum. He can be challenging but at heart is good and never rude. However what really flipping gets my goat is that his mother moans on about my "interfering" and taking her child away from his home etc. What really pees me off about this is that we have opened up our home to this boy in need, i dont have kids of my own, we had a lovely peaceful life before when DH and I could do what we wanted, when we wanted, go on holiday whenever. Now, because DSS lives with us we cant. We have to schedule our work travel as well so as not to be away from home at the same time. She wont have him overnight at all (and he doesnt want to see her or spend time with her anyway). Dont get me wrong, I really like him a lot and we are close but when his mother bangs on about stuff I just want to shout - it wasnt my decision, you drove him out, you witch!!

Can I just point out that this is an old post.......

does that matter?