I'm in the wrong again

[Easy]

So we have finally changed the arrangements with dsd (now aged 17) that she will ring us when she wants to come over for a weekend.

This is because we used to assume that she was coming, but dh spent an hour of his time and a gallon of petrol driving over to fetch her on several occasions to find she had gone off to do something else, and it was too much trouble for her to ring and tell us (dh's ex used to do this when the kids were little, like mother like daughter). Following this arrangement we haven't seen her since 3 rd Sept.

Anyway it was my birthday last week. DH is working away mon-fri, but had arranged to take me out on Saturday, we got a baby sitter, everything arranged. At 8:30 p.m. on Friday dsd rings to say her brother is home for the weekend (the ex never tells us when dss is coming home, he lives in a centre for autistic young adults), and they would come over on saturday (as long as dh goes to pick them up, then takes them home).
After 13 years of marriage, during which time we have always dropped everything and put them first, I asked dh if we could PLEASE not change our arrangements this time, and not see them. We had a row of course, and altho' he finally agreed to my request, of couse it changed the mood for the weekend, and my birthday was a bit spoiled.

Am I unreasonable? Should I have stood back?

How do I get the message across that we are not doormats for dh's ex and daughter to wipe their feet on?

No I don't think that after 13 years of putting up with this you are unreasonable, infact you are a saint for putting up with it for so long.

Sorry no advice really, but if you do find the secret of how to get that message across, please, let me know!

Easy I don't think it was at all unreasonable of you. Your birthday happens once a year and as there are no fixed arrangements in place for your DHs children to visit I wonder what your DH expects you to do? Not plan anything ever just in case they want to come? You shouldn't be expected to put your whole life on hold on the off-chance that they may want to visit

As for how to get the message across, well I think you've made a start by saying no for once. Nothing really to add apart from that but if you don't let them walk all over you they may get the message. I do realise this is diffucult tho with a DH (if he's anything like my DP) who doesn't seem to mind that his ex-wife still has so much control over his life

I think that you have to give the daughter the benefit of the doubt that she is only 17 and so still has the chance to mature into a reasonable adult. Thats not to say that you were in the wrong to take the stand that you did. Maybe she will actually consider giving your DH more notice next time. I agree with Notactuallyamum.

Easy

No not unreasonable at all. It sounds like you have been brilliant and he's got into the trap of just taking your support for his kids for granted. Really sorry your birthday got a bit spoiled.

Not sure how you get the point across to him. I know personally that sometimes DH and I can get caught up in a row and don't listen to each other but in the calm of the next day we can see each other's point more fairly. Don't know if that helps but could you try neutrally explaining how you feel.

BTW I find it pretty poor that he has driven over there in the past and neither his ex or daughter has had the courtesy to say she's not coming. I'm not sure he's doing her a favour with putting up with that sort of manners. Would he let her away with that sort of behaviour if he wasn't divorced and she was living at home? Appreciate it sounds like she has been taught by her mother but perhaps he needs to counter her influence? Sorry off my soapbox now!!!

LooptheLoop

I agree with you about dsd's manners. She seems to have absolutely no regard for our feelings at all. She hasn't acknowledged a birthday in this house ever (I actually buy a present for my son, her half-brother, and label it from her), and despite reminders from me, she finds it impossible to send a card for father's day. It has always made me very angry towards her, although over the years I have tried to be her friend, and tried my damndest to find some affection for her, I'm afraid I am now giving up.
I find it sepecially hard to come to terms with, as her brother (now 23) always manages to send cards, and last year had Christmas presents for us all. He manages this despite his autism. DSD has no excuse except outright ignorance.

It is her 18th birthday 2 days before Christmas. I am ashamed to say that I am actually pleased that her mother is taking them away for her birthday and Christmas, as I won't have to swallow my temper at all over this period (altho' I think it's sad that dh is excluded from his daughter's 18th birthday).

As dh is working away now, no doubt I ought to buy the present and stuff. Ho Hum.

Hmm don't think I would have wanted to go away with my Mum for my 18th birthday and Christmas....
So you think I am wrong and she is not just a typical, selfish teenager?

Bozza, I think it's strange too, DSD has a boyfriend, and seems to have a good group of mates (not that we have ever been allowed to meet any of them) and I'd have thought she'd want a party, but I don't really understand anything about her, or her mother.

I have tried to rationalise the typical teenager bit, but I think she goes beyond that, as the whole thing about ignoring birthdays is done even when we have reminded her, offered to give her money for cards etc. so it seems more defiant. I think she gives her mother a birthday present, and she once bought some chocolate for her mother's partner when out with us. I don't think she'd give her father or me a piece of used chewing gum!!

In truth it hurts (for dh as much for myself) because I always made sure that dh kept as much contact with the kids as possible, and we didn't move out of the area a few years ago (when it would have made sense career wise) just so he could continue seeing them.

BTW, I didn't know dh when he left the family, dsd was about 18 months old. In the past we have explained to her that her parents grew apart, and split up just because of that.

Easy

All I can say is that you have a lot more patience than me! Well done on doing so well in such difficult circumstances..... Not sure I'd keep my temper. I can understand why it hurts. xxx

Thanks LTL. I rarely get chance to vent about this, it is the one subject dh and I don't discuss in detail, as it is our only flashpoint.

I can't really discuss it with my mum either, as I know she was 'disappointed' that I married a second-hand model. Mind you, I was 32 at the time. the only single men left were gay!

Thanks for being here to vent to.

That's what's so good about this site Easy

And I - along with hundreds of others probably - know exactly where you're coming from. I'd never say a fraction of what I say on here to my DP/family

And it is very, very difficult being a stepmum

Never say a fraction? Should that have been only say a fraction?? Never mind, I'm sure you know what I meant

I love the description as second hand model.

It reminds me of when I was ranting to a friend about the frustrations of the ex etc. She replied very briskly - what do you expect if you play the second hand market? Hummmm

Easy. Mumsnet very useful for venting. I think you know you have done the right thing and now she is an adult so it is time to be firm and have reasonable ground rules eg if you have already made arrangements you don't break them, she gives reasonable notice if she wants a lift etc.

at second hand model.

I agree with the posts here, your dsd is an adult now, she needs to have firm ground rules and fixed arrangements. You can't be expected to stay in just incase she decides to come to stay the weekend!

MN is a great place to vent isn't it? What would we do without it? I know I would slowly go insane (of course there are people who say its too late )

My dp has been married twice before he met me, does that make me a third hand model? lol

no squirrel he's the one with 'ONLY TWO PREVIOUS OWNERS'

my dh always describes second (and subsequent) marriages as 'the triumph of hope over adversity'

Doh! I told you I'm mad!

I'm getting blonder by the day!

Squirrel - third time lucky for your DH hey! PS thanks for your message on another post .

DH always says about this being a second marriage - well at least I got it right this time! But I like the hope over adversity comment .