How do you arrange pick up and drop off times?

[ArbiterElegantiae]

By that I mean, do you decide between you, or does one of you dictate?

Is it the same time each week, or different each time?

I only ask as DSD's mother usually texts him each week dictating the time that he has to be at the "drop off point". She also tells him where it is to be. He always goes along with it for an easy life, though it does grate with him a bit. On the very odd occasion that it is inconvenient, he will say so, but it is always met with an argumentative response.

For example, on Sundays the normal time is 6.30pm, however, just as we were about to sit down to dinner at 5.30pm tonight, DH received a text to say it was 6pm tonight. It takes half an hour to get there, so there was no way he could make it in time. It turns out in fairness that the text had been sent at 5pm, but DH doesn't get a good signal so he got it half an hour later.

He texted back to say that we were just starting our dinner and that it would need to be 6.30pm as he couldn't leave before then.

So DSD's mum then suggested that they leave immediately (so DSD would have to stop eating and go). I was pretty appalled by this, and DH and I did not want to have to stop her eating her dinner so he decided just to leave after she had finished eating.

So now DSD's mum has turned around and gone home and is demanding that DH drive all the way to her house with DSD.

I really can't understand this. Her reason for being early was that DSD "is tired", however I'm not sure how she would know one way or the other as DSD has been with us all weekend. Also, she would only have to wait for about 20 minutes at the drop off point, as DH would have hotfooted it down there as soon as dinner was finished.

Feel so sorry for DSD .

Sounds like she's bitter
did he leave her for you at all?
or has she always been like this

No she left him for their neighbour!

He was devastated, and now he has to put up with all this shit!

And yes, AFAIK always been like it .

This sounds like a terrible situation for you to be in.

Not nice for the child, but very frustrating for you and your DH also.

It sounds as if she may have some sort of control issue?

If you haven't already done so, I think it sounds as if you need to get this sorted out by the courts.

HTH

she sounds awful

can dh get something put in writing , a legal thing, about drop off so she can't keep swapping and changing?

My daughter is 14 and she sees her biological dad every second Saturday from 12 to 6 and every Wednesday after school for dinner til about 7. We've done this for about 10 yrs now.
There have been plenty of similar fall outs to yours with regards to running late etc but we have managed to get over that now.
It worked for by deciding the days, times together, both making compromises on that, and then sticking to the plan as rigidly as possible - this avoided any party being pissed off for any reason. You must however allow for the odd "oh she cant come she's ill" or "there's a special family party this weekend" etc but by and large this should be avoided. It's best for the child and everyone involved if there's a consistent routine.
Having said all that- the biggest hurdle for me in all this was letting go of trying to control the situation- when you actually do that, knowing that your daughter is absolutely fine and being well cared for by either parent/step parent, there's a calmness about the whole situation and that is the best gift you can give to the child of a divorced or separated family.
Hope this makes sense.
Peace to all!! ha ha

cjbartlett - yes I think he needs to.

CMcN - that sounds lovely that you have managed to get over all the hurdles .

The problem we have is that DSD's mother refuses to compromise - it's her way or no way. DH and I have both tried to be civil, and even friends with her, and it's all fine as long as it's going her way. But if she makes an unreasonable demand, then DH will say if it's not possible or suitable, and normally will suggest an alternative/compromise, but she will never back down or compromise herself. Hence DH always gives in to avoid upset to his DD. He has been out of the house tonight for 2 and a half hours as he went to drop her off, but DSD's mother wasn't there, so after waiting for a while he has had to drive the hour to her house and the same back again!

None of it makes any sense as the BM's reason for it being 6pm was so DD could have an early night - now with all the flouncing off and hissy fits, she has actually made DSD go to bed a lot lot later!!! It's craziness!

The thing is, if it was actually that he was running late, and lets say, the BM had to be somewhere for a specific time, then I would completely understand.

But refusing to wait 20 minutes for your own child? Yes, inconvenient, I know, but surely you wouldn't do that?

Her other reason along with the early night thing was that she was too hot to wait.

Sorry I know I'm rambling but I just need to get it off my chest as I find it so bizarre!!!

She sounds like a complete loon.

You have my sympathies.....

I suggest your DP gets an agreement in writing to the pick-up times, honestly this is what's needed. We had years of DSS's mum doing the same to DH and eventually went to court - very straightforward process. Mediation is always suggested first - so write to her asking if you can get an agreement on times which sides are happy with, if not arrange mediation, if no agreement then court. It will save you years of hassle and more importantly the child will not be used as a pawn.

CMcN, Excellent advice - it is often about control and fear of letting go. I do think mothers are often the worse at this (I'm one too!) but reducing conflict for your child is the most important factor - not about the mum feeling needed and in control.