DSD hating me and jealous of step brother and sister

[mumof2monsters]

I have been on here before as after 12 years of being a step parent to two DSD's age 15 and 13 the elder of the two has decided that she hates me and has been acting for the last 12 years. We have had her telling lies about me to other members of the family (fortunately they do not take any notice) and she has accused her dad of being a crap dad which could not be further from the truth.
Consequence of this is that I have not seen them for nearly 6 months and after she refused to talk to her dad he has not seen them for 5 months but has tried.
Recently they have expressed an interest in reconnecting with their dad which I am very keen for them to do. Hubby at the moment is burying his head in the sand.
Turns out that DSD has told inlaws that she has felt pushed out by me and hubby as before our two kids came along (9 and 7) they had their own room at our house. She states that I am always saying "my two kids".....I never do that and have never used the words "half" sisters .
Anyway at the moment my relationship with them is non existent as they have really hurt me when I have done so much for them but I want my hubby and them to work at their relationship.
So last night I contacted the EX and asked her to meet for a coffee and a chat as I would like to put my side of things to her. We have always got on ok in the past. Have I done the right thing?

I think so-it makes a start.

If you've got on in the past they yeah I think you've done the right thing. All Id say is be very careful not to slag off the kids, as im sure that will get her back up, so just be careful how you word things.

Has there been something happen to kick all this off?

I'm not defending your DSD and I'm sure it's very hurtful but try to remember that she is still a child and is at a very awkward age, with hormones raging and swinging between feeling like an adult and a child. I was a NIGHTMARE that age and can recall telling my step father, who would have moved heaven and earth for me "you're not my Dad and never will be!" all the time when I was annoyed. I am horrified now at how hurtful that must have been but at the time I was angry and lashing out.

I have a DSD who is 12 and we have an element of veering from one thing to the other. One minute she loves me, wishes I was her Mum and wants to do hair and make up together and then, when asked to do something she hates it here and wants to go home where it's "more fun" so I do know how hurtful it is.

It is a very real possibility that she does feel pushed out by you and maybe a bit jealous of your LO's who have both their parents living together all the time. It's not something you can change, but sometimes just acknowledging that they feel that way and letting them know those feelings, while hurtful, are perfectly normal, might help.

I agree that she needs to work on the relationship with her Dad - do they have a hobby or interest in common or could they develp one? Perhaps he can have time time once a week where he just does somethig with his older girls such as bowling or ice skating.

I think you need to step back a little and let the Dad and the girls sort it out, while perhaps reassuring them that you love and care about them and will always be there for them if they want you to. When my SD is lashing out I tell her that I understand she is angry but that I love her unconditionally, even when she feels she doesn't like or love me back. I find a lot of her outbursts are about testing out how me and her Dad feel about her - if she says she wants to go home, will we just cave in and take her or do we let her know how much we would miss her if she wasn't with us for the week end. The latter is what she wants to hear of course and sometimes it's just reassurance of their standing in the family that they need.

I'm not saying it's easy though - sometimes it hurts like hell!!!

Well the meeting with the EX went ok. I was able to put my side across and she listened . DSD had written a whole list of issues about me that EX read out but would not let me see but I saw some of the things she did not read out and they were so hurtful.

I stated that at the moment it is difficult for me to have a relationship with them as they "hate" me and do not want to spend time with me but I said they do need a relationship with their dad and siblings.

I have arranged for DH to meet EX to talk things thru in a neutral environment and for now altho I have said my door will always be open to DSDs (altho I will not put up with them being disrespectful to me) I need to step back and let them sort things

EX said that DSD has 12 years of hate because I took her dad away and I have her dad. EX explained to DSDs that they would have split up at some point as they were not getting on but DSD just blames me for everything.

I now feel somewhat relieved and less pressured that I have put my feelings across and stepped back from the situation and now it is up to DH to sort out. At the moment he is so angry because DSD has said so many lies to members of the family that he feels he does not want to try with them but I have just explained that they are his children and he needs to try.

As they dont want anything to do with me I guess DH will (if he sorts things out) see them on his own and take them out. Does anyone else have this situation where they do not see their stepkids?

I feel so sad because I did and still do care about them but they have been so hurtful and altho everyone says "they are just children" and I do see that do they not have to respect other people?

The kids are testing you as they would a parent.

Let DP have a relationship with them and take a step back. Don't take their comments personally and don't keep trying to work out what went wrong.

Eventually if you leave them be and make it clear that they are welcome back when they're ready, I am pretty sure they will come running back when they realise the tantrums haven't really got them the attention they want.

I think you are right. I have now stepped away and altho I have said my door will always be open I need to step back for my own sanity.

Up to hubby to sort things out now. What a shame that their tantrums have caused so much upset and unhappiness in the family.