access for H when gone off with another woman

[MrsMiggins]

hi there

bit early for me but woul djust like some advice

H had affair and has gone off with other woman.
She has no kids
We have 2.

At moment I dont want her anywhere near my children as DS is struggling enough with daddy not being at home and obviously I feel hurt by whole situation.

I can deffo see in the future that I will get over it and am not saying this other woman can never see my children BUT at the mometn I just dont see why they should play happy families having just broken mine up.

more importantly my youngest is only 17 mths and my H has never looked after the kids for more than 5 hrs on his own let alone a whole weekend

I just wondered whether anyone else was in / had been in my situation and how you handled it?

All I care about is helping my kids to adjust and dont want them feeling they have to pretend they didnt enjoy seeing daddy etc

Never thought Id be in this situation but I guess none of us did....

thanks

Oh MrsMiggins, I had no idea he had now left to be with her!! Last I read he had gone on a business trip that she would be on too.

Really sorry the bastard has done this. I'm afraid I don't have any wonderful advice, just wanted you to know that you sound very strong and determined to get your life back on track.

Message withdrawn

Has your xh stated that he wants to have the children for a whole weekend?

Maybe it would be wise for him to only have them for a few hours at a time as the youngest is so young, then gradually increase the time spent with him.

You need to do what you feel is in the best interest of your children and if that is to take things really slowly, so be it.

Its maybe a good idea to seek advice from a solicitor if you can not agree on access times, I know how hard it is to try to be amicable with the pig and cow that wrecked your marriage but rise above it, be better than them and try for your children sake to seem calm (even if you want to scratch the cow's eyes out).

I hope things work out for you.

Cant really offer any advice except to say that I am so sorry this has happened to you. A lot if not most of us stepmums on MN are not in that situation i.e. we got with Partners/Husbands long after they had split from their children's mothers. Myself I got with Partner 4 years after they split so cannot relate to it. However, if I were in your shoes, I would recommend that your ex sees your kids on his own without his girlfriend for quite a while until the kids adjust to not having their daddy around all the time anymore. I met my stepkids about 3 months after getting with my partner but like I said he hadnt been with their mother for over 4 years.

Like FANC says, I am a stepmumand I didn't meet my step kids until we had been together for 3 months also (he and ex had split up two years previously).

I don't think that it would be unreasonable to ask that it would be just xh and the kids for a while to let them adjust to the new situation.

As the primary carer, you get to say what happens, at least until there is a court order saying differently.

Your children are very young and it is entirely reasonable for you to refuse for them to go away for the weekend. They've never been away from you for more than a few hours and where would he take them anyway? To an hotel?

I think it would be entirely Ok to say that he can come and visit for a day, but not to have them overnight - unless you were happy for him to have them at his parents (who I suspect are unlikely to welcome the woman who is putting at risk their access to their grandchildren).

Mrs M when my h was away I let him have as much access as he wanted - but he lived v close by - but refused to let the girls meet his gf for eight months. The girls were v confused and upset and I can't say I liked the idea much. I also thought that I needed evidence that he was in it for the long term. Anyway, she met them after eight months, but only for a couple of hours on a few occasions. He then decided he wanted to come home so it was a complete waste of time the girls ever meeting her and it was upsetting on numerous counts. His gf put pressure on my h to meet the girls and also to have them stsay over but h respected my wishes, for some reason. Not sure whether I did the right thing but my elder dd occasionally asks if she'll ever have to see gf again in a worried way sometime. I also got a friend to meet her first, I was going to, to see how she'd cope with two small children. She had none and was fairly young herself. Sorry, v long.

I have suggested that he will have tyo come up here and stay in local travel lodge and spend Sat with kids
he will be living 2 1/2 hrs away - in rented accomodation to begin with - I guess until I have to sell the house and buy a smaller one

his parents live 2 1/2 hrs away in the opposite direction so will be 5 hrs apart

its just such a nightmare

I would totally understand kids being with daddy & gf if he hadnt left us for her

at moment he is only thinking of himself which is why I need to get things straight

Has he asked for any specific access? I also got h to stay at my house - in the spare room - when I wanted to go out with friends. Not sure if it was a great idea but I so needed the break and the girls did seem to enjoy it.

If you are at all unhappy with his suggestions for contact, then just don't agree to them. Set out what you do think is appropriate and why (put it in writing if necessary and then you will also have evidence of how reasonable you have been and how you are only thinking of the children's best interests). He can then agree or not see the children.

I know you think it is important for your children to continue to see their dad, but any contact which is likely to upset them is not really an option.

probably not going to have to worry

just told H that DS asked me when daddy was coming to see him so said he should have a think about it incase DS asks tomorrow night

he said he didnt know when he would be coming up

cant be that bothered then can he
for DS & DD

Mrs M I've been following your other threads - didn't post because I didn't have anything to say that hadn't been said already

You've been so very strong up to now I don't doubt for a second that you will continue to be

Just remember - the children are with YOU and YOU get to say if their Dad can see them. I can fully understand why you don't want her to see your children and I agree with others that it's far too early anyway. If I were you I'd make sure that any contact is at your house - IMO that's the only way to be absolutely certain that she's not seeing them

Can't really add anything else - I speak as a stepmum, my DP has a 12yo dd, but my DPs ex left him for someone else before I met him so it was never a problem for me to meet his dd

{{{Hugs to you MrsM}}}

Remember YOU are in the driving seat here and you don't have to do ANYTHING that you don't want to do

Thats pretty awful of your H MrsM - I always find it hard to believe that people aren't bothered about seeing their children. But I wouldn't count on him maintaining that attitude so it would still be wise to think about what ground rules you are going to set. I think during the day at weekends building up to an overnight eventually.

If your H had put more effort in with the children previously you might feel happier about him looking after them for longer periods now. I know that DD is 18 months and I would have no hesitation leaving her with DH overnight.

I just wanted to update the situation and still get valid opinions

H still estranged - dont even know which town / area of country

found out 2 days ago that he is renting/buying with HER

have told him that he can havbe his access ast his parents house as long as SHE isnt there

what you should be aware is that she has no KIDS, she was bored with her H, she told my brother on the phone that DS's exema was not her concern

why is it OK that wives like me should allow some complete strange woman who has been shagging husband access to kids?

Your ex is completely mad, but that ain't news! and Has he had any access since you posted in November? I assume something over Christmas ...

He comes onces a fortnight....10.30 ti; 5pm (his choice0
appartently he was thinking of coming 2pm and putting kids to bed

he wants fortnightly access so he can do more with HER rather tha cos he wants kids

Im poorly (chest infection) and askd him to come 9.30am but too early for him

find all v sad

So sorry to hear this has happened to you Mrs M. I met my (now) husband 2 year after he split with wife (she had affair) I was introduced to sd (4 at the time) after about a month. I would meet them for a few hours then eventually stay the night, but it was all very slow. Now my main adive to you isall fine. But my main advice would be to take things really slowly, and the husband and new women will just have to like it or lump it especially as the one child is so young. I have a friend who is going through the same thing so i can see how painful it is. big hugs xx

Poor Mrs M. It's so unfair that your life and your kids' lives have to change for the worse because he couldn't behave like a decent human being. I expect to have total control over who my kids see and where they are all the time, I never let them out of my sight - the thought that if dh decided to run off with another woman I would HAVE to is quite horrifying. I think you should definitely insist on your right to take things slowly. He is lucky you are not one of the many women whose reaction is "F**k off, you broke the marriage contract, you and she are coming nowhere near my kids". I know that's a wrong thing for a woman to do but it is understandable too. I can't offer any useful advice but I think you sound very brave and unselfish. I hope life improves for you soon

i nearly caved in last night cos Im so poorly but decided that if I let him take them away overnight this weekend, it would mean he could take them every fortnight and while I dont mind his parents, I still think its too soon for staying with her...especially as daddy hasnt told DS that he has a new woman!
is he just going to take them in the car and say "heres my new house oh and heres my new girlfriend??"

I am not being unreasonable - Ive told H he can come to spend the day every weekend but he chooses fortnightly; he chooses to get here for 10.30 and leave at tea time
I ahve even offered to stay at parents house so he could stay over but he doesnt want to.

Im not saying never cos I know thats wrong for the children and people keep telling me I'll look forward to the rest BUT just not yet
He only left under 3 months ago and is already living with her

Yes I was surprised as I told him from the beginning he could have the kids overnight IF he lived alone for 6 mths
now that may sound unreasonable but if shes worth it and his family arent, then 6 mths isnt long to give the children some time alone is it