I hate this life

[NHAN]

So this might seem totally irrelevant in the grand scheme of things but i'm so annoyed and upset right now. Myself, OH and our son are on holiday in a couple of weeks time, just a week away somewhere quite local as that is all we can afford with baby number two on the way, plus i'll be 30 weeks so didn't want to go too far.
Just found out its my step daughters appeal for high school whilst we are away so OH is going to interupt our holiday to come back for it.
I can obviously understand why but we never do anything just the 3 of us and this was meant to be a special treat for our son before the baby arrives as he is always wanting to speand more time together.
OH always puts his older two children first, talks about them all the time but can't be bothered to talk about our son, takes time of work to watch them do things but not our son and now we can't even have a holiday. But of course his children can have their 2 weeks in florida completely uninterupted in the same month.
He just lied too, saying he won't ruin our holiday and come back, then said of course he has to, but can't understand why i'm upset about the lying.
I've put his children first so many times and get nothing in return. We've always included them on our holidays, even my 30's birthday treat i decided to take all the children away to theme parks etc and now even this is about them.

I think this is just the final straw, i hate him anyway and wish i had never met him. The only good part of the 5 year relationship is our son and this pregnancy. I'm sick of going to bed in tears every night because of this life.

I know everyone will just say its my fault for being with someone with children but he doesn't split his time or attention evenly at all and it is like myself and my son don't exist.
I wish i had somewhere else to go because i would not stay in this life a second longer. If there is anything i will teach my children it is don't get involved with step children, its not a life its a punishment!

You sound so sad and angry. I'm too knackered to respond properly right now but I'm sure others will be along soon.

I'll come back tomorrow. Try to get some sleep and look after yourself.

I have no advice to offer, as haven't been in this situation, but just wanted to offer some sympathy. If you are that upset every day with this situation then I think you need to get out of it. Does he have any clue how close you are to breaking up? You need to lay it on the line IMO.

Thanks for your replies. I've been telling him straight for 3 years I hate him and would not be here if i had anywhere else to go. The problem is I have nowhere to go, i don't work as i stay home with our son and he doesn't earn enough for me to have any money towards leaving. The council won't help me because i will be making myself intentionally homeless and i have no family to ask for a loan or anything.
Most of the time i just pretend he doesn't exist and avoid him, during the day when he is at work i love my life. The worst thing is we were actually getting on well for the last few days but yet again his ex wife says jump and he leaps! He never really was my partner as he never left her emotionally.
The appeal letter has infuriated me as it states his daughter has to go to this high school otherwise she won't see us (even naming me and my son) and will be psychologically affected by not having a relationship with her father and my (yet to be born) baby. This is a load of crap as i would still take her to school mondays just like i do now!!!! If she has to make things up why do they have to be negative about us? She has painted us as cruel people who won't bother to see her unless she walks past our house every day. OH aka idiot was easily talked round and is happy for her to say it all.
I'm so stressed and having a glass of wine and consumed with guilt as i'm pregnant.. argghhhh!!!

Hi NHAN - your frustration and anger is obvious when reading your posts and I think I can see why you're feeling badly about the disruption to your holiday, even if it was just in comparison to the uninterrupted fortnights holiday that your OH's first two children are having.

I've not been pregnant so can't speak from experience, but is there a chance that your current strong emotions are worse because your hormones are doing crazy things at the moment? I'm not suggesting you shouldn't be frustrated, but would you be feeling the same strength of emotion without your pregnancy hormones?

Some of the words and phrases that you've used in your posts are really strong - to say that you hate your partner feels unusual, I can't remember any other MN post I've read that has said that. From an objective readers perspective my first reaction is that you should give serious consideration to separating from your OH. It sounds like your home life, for adults and children alike, has the potential to be unhealthy. If only from your own perspective, if you would be significantly, and lastingly, happier moving forward in your life separately from your OH then...give that solution more thought.

If your negative feelings are so strong then it may not be a surprise that your OH has chosen to interrupt a holiday (which can sometimes be claustrophobic) - is he using the hearing as an excuse to take a little break from a potentially hostile atmosphere - a little breathing space?

If you're feeling guilty about your glass wine then pour it down the sink so that you can regain control, even if it's just that small thing tonight it's a start. I'm sending you love & hugs.

Yes thanks he probably doesn't want a holiday with me, although he is the one refusing to leave and allow our son to have a roof over his head like his other children have. He is the one causing all the problems and all i do is look after his children and get no thanks in return, he still tells me he loves me and doesn't want it to be over but these are probably just more lies just like the last 5 years of my life.
I do hate him and it is a horrible environment which is no doubt screwing my child up completely but short of living in a cardboard box i don't really have any options.
He has actually said he doesn't want to go but it is important which yes it is as his poor daughter has been repeatedly told by her mother that she has to go to this high school or she will be bullied and have a terrible time. She has become scared to go out on her own and having nightmares due to what her mother has told her but as usual i get painted as the bad person.
It may seem harsh to hate this man but he is useless, his children are not looked after properly, never wash, have filthy clothes with holes in, full of nits, never clean their teeth and have appalling social skills and manners due to their home environment but he does nothing about it, wont stand up to his ex and still does anything she says. They are also constantly shouted at and expected to look after themselves at 9 and 11 but we get blamed for being a bad influence on them despite looking after them really well.
Its actually impossible to feel anything but hatred and comtempt for someone who can't or won't put their children first when it really matters but will appear to make an effort for show.
To be honest i'm so worried about having to allow my children to stay with him for weekends if we split that it seems better to stay here, he doesn't pay enough attention to keep them safe, doesn't even bother to listen when they talk to him yet spend shis entire day going on about what a great father he is now.

Sorry for ranting, i have nobody to talk to and the idiot just went to bed leaving me in tears again. I don't think pregnancy is making it worse, in fact i'm more relaxed and level headed pregnant than normally. I know nobody is interested but just needed to get this out. I seriously considered a termination but didn't want to have to end my childs life when i desperately want them just because their father is useless.

I wish it was as simple as leaving but where? especially when my son adores his dad and will be devestated. I've witnessed the effect on his children and can't do that to my son but i can't live like this anymore. I don't even want to go on, I just wish there was someone to help me but i have no family and nobody to turn to.

You're not alone. Keep talking on MN if it helps you - there are loads of people on here with more experience of Stepping than me (I'm only 3.5 yrs in) and the variety of perspectives are so helpful.

It's very easy for people to say 'leave him' when the only people who know the reality of the situation is you, your OH and the children - the people who live in the family rather than read bits about it. Only you, knowing the full picture, can make a final decision to stay or to leave. My previous comment hasn't changed though - you always have choices, even if you can't see any right now, and even if they're tough choices. You are not shackled to this relationship if you do wish to leave.

The situation with the kids sounds really difficult and there are loads of threads which talk about how important it is for Dads to actually robustly parent rather than 'Disney Dad' or just try to be friends with their children. My only experience of what you describe is that my Step-kids mum doesn't have the same approach to daily baths etc that are in this home - but it's nothing other than a difference in style and isn't anything like approaching neglect. I hope other people on here can give constructive advice about that side of things.

Of course your son loves his Dad - and I'm sure he adores you too.

Please remember that you're not alone - even if it's just random people like me chirping on via MN. Take good care.

Thank you :)
The reality is if i leave i put myself and my son in grave danger and OH knows this so can treat me how he likes really. The police have issued a harrassment warning to my family due to the way they have treated me and my son but if they break it they are not actually breaking the law. If i'm on my own with my son they will be there within seconds, harassing us, trying to turn my son against me and doing everything they can to take him away.
My parents are child abusers and want my son but the police can't do anything as there is not enough evidence to back up my statements to prosecute. Trying to deal with all of this whilst pregnant is hard enough without step children problems to worry about.

Have you thought about contacting womens aid? Although your partner is not the one causing you danger, I am sure they would be helpful in advising you what steps to take to stop the harrassment from your family.

There are ways out and things aren't helpless, but it's not always easy to find the route to take. xx

Thanks I hadn't thought of that but will give them a try, there seems to be help for people in abusive relationships everywhere but when its other family theres nothing. I have basically been told they will have to kidnap my son before anyone can help, great!