DSD's Birthday During Holiday with Ex

[mdoodledoo]

We just found out the arrangements for the Summer hols - brilliant, pretty early - we can now make plans.

However - the summer holiday that the kids are taking with their mum includes DSD's 8th birthday. In principle this isn't an enormous problem because the precedent has been set - two years ago the same thing happened, was 'requested' and discussed and DP said it was fine - wanting DSD to have a lovely holiday and not fixating on the date/birthday angle. Last year we took the kids away on a long weekend, the last day of which was DSD's birthday - we brought them home to their mum earlier than we would have if it was a 'normal' day so that she could spend lots of time with her - all reasonable with no bad feeling at all.

This year there has been no recognition of the birthday at all - just a statement that the holiday has been arranged. I think this is rude and a bit weird - but maybe I'm being daft - what do you think?

NB: Kids have great relationship with both parents, me and their mum's new partner. Holiday could have been arranged on variety of dates as is to family property so no constraints. Relationship between all adults is generally very good.

PS - just re-read the post before 'sending' it and reflected that it's the little stuff that can start to unpick the edges of good relationships isn't it! I don't have even half the problems that many MNetters post about - but a seemingly little thing like this makes me cross - and I'm sure that crossness will leak out the next time I speak to the Ex/mum. There's so much that you've just got to let go else you can become ridiculously bitter so very quickly. I think I've answered my own question! Let it go. Thanks! I'm going to post this anyway in case it's of interest. G'nite!

I think sometimes there's a bit of an 'ownership' perception which arises. Certainly my DSS's mother has a belief that she has 'first dibs' on important occasions. DH hasn't seen either of them on their birthday since he and their mother split up

I agree with allnew, but yes, you should let it go too if you can. Just have a party for her before she goes away so she has a nice memory of celebrating with dad's side of the family on the day rather than missing him.

I also think that often mum has perceived 'dibs' on special days. I am guilty of feeling it myself. I want my DD to wake up with me, and go to sleep with me on her birthday, and christmas. But I don't voice it. I wouldn't plan a holiday on her birthday without checking with her dad.

When I met DP, his DSD went to her mums for her birthday even if it was her weekend with dad. If dad wanted to see her, he had to spend the day with his ex. He went a long with it until I came along and pointed out that he has as much right to sharing his dd's birthday with her without having to spend thime with his ex (controlling and buulying to him so horrible day)

They now share the day, half each. or if it's a school day then the normal arrangement continues as if it were a normal day, and the birthday is celebrated by each parent the weekend either side of the birthday.

Thanks for the perspectives - 'ownership' - I can certainly see it, but it's a funny thing huh. I once read somewhere that the role of a parent is to get a new person ready to fulfill their role in the world, and that you should never get caught into thinking that you have any kind of 'ownership' - well, it was said more eloquently than that but you get the gist. It really struck me at the time and has come back to me now from your words.

I was asking DSD to stop being daft in a pub restaurant last week (doing gymnastic moves on the bench & giving other diners a lovely view of her polkadot pants at the time) and she bounced the 'why?' question back to me. My reply was another question - 'What is the job of the grown-ups who look after children?' - bless her little buttons she replied that it was 'to teach us to be good grown ups'. All the love and hugs and stories and games and all the other fun stuff comes into that for me, not just correcting behaviour (obviously) - but at the end of the day there is a beautiful end point - for us steps too - when you can feel proud of a happy adult who you had a hand in nurturing.

& yes - letting the little stuff go is something I've learnt is essential. I get cross with all sorts of people for all sorts of things - just because the Ex/mum gets me riled sometimes doesn't mean she's any worse other people. I got cross with her yesterday - but I was cross with DP too for not remembering some arrangements - that's just life huh.

Why not simply say thats fine but next year can we have dd on her birthday so we can get to celebrate with her too? It may simply be she thought that as there had not been a problem last time there wouldnt be this time.

Good point Lonnie, I think the underlying principle should be that parents are equal and therefore should be respected when it comes to special occasions.