Teenage DSS makes excuses not to visit/stay but texts requesting money !

[goingwiththeflow]

to give a bit of background I am married to DH and we have a DD (age 1) , we have been married for two years, I have three kids from previous relationship ranging from 9yrs to 5 years and they have regular access with their dad midweek and weekend days, not an amicable split but try to be as much as poss.

DH split from Ex 9 years ago, they have DSS now 14 years old.
Initially before the birth of our DD , DSS came and stayed during half terms and half of Summer hols with the odd weekend day visit/trip out, got on with my lot in a big brother kind of way all seemed okay.

DD born over a year ago.. one visit to meet at a weekend then Ex starting demanding more maintenance , involved CSA, actually got awarded less than DH was paying and since then , little contact , excuses made at last minute (from his mum not him) to cancel planned visits and now doesn't answer his mobile, doesn't answer texts, makes remarks on my FB page on photos of kids etc etc .. but then three times now a text will come from him asking for money for new clothes, school trip etc usually in region of £200-£300, no chat nothing just 'I need money for... let me know when you can send it' ..this last time DH refused until he had more info on what it was for and this has started an volley of abuse from the Ex about 'her boy' being upset .

Personally I am fuming , think he treats his Dad like a cashpoint and that DH wouldn't stand for the comments he makes if he said it to his face but 'lets it go' as he doesn't wantto fall out with him .

I have NO IDEA how to handle teenagers and don't really want to play the wicked stepmum but I think he is behaving disrespectfully and DH is losing sleep and worrying constantly about it

I understand that he may not want to get involved with my lot, that he has his own life to lead and understand that as a teenager family holidays are a boorrrring crass way to spend your time, but not to answer regular texts and send comments on my FB page to me looks like he is trying to create a reaction..

Advice on what to do please ..be most grateful is this just normal teenage behaviour???

Sorry rambled on a bit there

As both a stepmum SD19 & SS8 and a mother DS12 & DD 1. plus being a step daughter myself. I have seen every guilt tripping scam going. You have to remember that the child who does not live with you only gets a limited amount of time with their parent and maybe sometimes you have to bite your tongue and relax the 'rules' (?). The Step child will always feel a bit pushed out especially if a new child is added to the family because invariably they will take up a lot of attention whilst young. The ex will also feel some sort of motherly protection of her child financially, and is possibly thinking that all your money is going on the new addition. We all know babies cost a fortune but when emotion is involved rationality goes out the window. Your DH will have to learn, and this will be difficult, to simply say no. Pandering to ridiculous requests of cash will only get worse in the future. An alternative would be to buy whatever SS needs but ask for input from the child first. My ex actually bought my son some flashing lights trainers last year (he was 11 not 5) and I was mortified, but accepted them gracisouly (spelling) and popped them on Ebay the next day. Using the cash to buy new ones.

Overall from 12 up Step children and biological children can be manipulative and learn to play people off against eachother to get what they want. Make sure your DH spends some quality time with your SS even if you have to get this enforced and hopefully it should not get to bad. Remember you don't need a check book, kicking a ball around the park for an hour is free.

Good Luck

Have just realised I Americanised check book. Don't flame me I meant cheque book

I think that it is fairly common for teenagers to see their parents as cash points and when it is a step, it is easy to over-analyse the behaviour, blaming it on the other parent, or the living situation, broken family etc etc. 'normal' teenage behaviour is exagerated when one parent has limited contact with the teen as it makes it very easy to manipulate and play games that teens who live under the same roof as both parents can't get away with.

My advice would be to treat it the same way you would treat your own child if they behaved in this way... but you'll need your partners backing on it.

ooh thanks for the replies! really helpful to get someone elses experience on the whole thing ..

My view is like pickyourbrain that DSS should be treated how he would if he lived with us and like we would treat the other kids, especially as far as respect for his Dad and myself etc (esp when asking for money!).. I think that also the Ex has the impression that DH now has a new fantastic job and a payrise as he has been sent abroad with his job (the fact that it is a 'go here or lose your job' type situation with no extra money or perks isn't believed ..perhaps understandably so) so think it is a case of 'your Dad is loaded and you haven't seen any of it .. tell him you need ££

Think will suggest that DH is doing the right thing by refusing the last request for money and to just carry on trying to contact by text/phone as normal for normal 'what you up to chats without reading too much into the sulky silences ..maybe mention a shopping trip and see what the response is!

Thanks
No doubt will be back !!

We get that - DSD's mum tells her what is salary is (£50k - Huuuuuge to a 12 year old!) She tells her he earns heaps and that as she doesnt earn anything DSD should screw her dad for as much as she can, being 'daddys little princess' It's no wonder she has come to view her dad as a cash point.

However, my DP doesnt help the situation by allowing her too. That's what i mean by getting your partner on side. Kids need boundries and a lot of NRPs don't set these, then complain when the child sees them as a cheque book.

hmmm. this is all very interesting as we are in a bit of a dilemma about money and stepchildren. My oldest DSS has just been in touch to say his mum borrowed £200 off him (he does have money due to education allowance, whatever it is called and also has a Saturday job and doesnt seem to spend much). She borrowed it from him to go on holiday. He texted her today to ask when she is going to pay it back as he wants to buy a festival ticket and she has told him to get it from his dad! As apparently she thinks he "owes her". It's nonsense as my DH doesnt owe her anything. Now I've gone from being cross about the fact she even had the cheek to borrow money from her own child to go on a holiday she clearly cant afford to being livid that she suggests she doesnt need to pay it back and the poor lad is in a quandary.

That's disgusting LD. What a nasty cow.

I agree your DH doesn't owe her anything but if he can afford £200, I'd be inclined to give it to SS for the ticket nonetheless as it's not his fault his mother is a nasty piece of work and has effectively conned him, plus SS didn't directly ask his dad for money. That doesn't alter the fact that SHE still owes SS money though ... whether he's strong enough to keep cajoling her for it I don't know .... maybe DH could tell her what a disgusting piece of work she is ?

Also tell SS NEVER to lend her money again !

eurghh ladydeedy that is appauling. My DP's ex feels he 'owes her' as well. I don't know what they base it on.

Can your DP give the £200 to the boy and knock it off her maintenance? That's what i'd do. My DP wouldn't, he'd give his DD the money and never get it back off his ex.

Maybe it's a good time for "never lend what you can't afford to give" .. .my mum taught me that lesson long ago and it's seen me right.

Seeing as many of these kids are the RP's meal ticket as it is... they shouldnt be borrowing money off them!

ah well the situation is that DH doesnt pay her maintenance since the other DSS came to live with us (so instead of him paying her for one child, and her paying him for the other, they are just quits). So no money changes hands. However, I think DH will write to her and say he expects her to pay the money back to DSS. And if push comes to shove we will pay for the ticket and hope that DSS will continue to ask her for it. He's in a difficult spot though of course. I am pretty sure he will resist lending to her again but if she marches him to the cashpoint there is little we can do about it. It's really quite shocking and there doesnt seem to be a clear way through somehow. It's her birthday soon - I think DSS should not buy her anything - she can pay for it (and any future christmas and birthday presents for the next couple of years) for herself!!

LD, My reaction would be for your DH to give the money to his son, perhaps buy the ticket but I don't think he should speak to ex about it. If she won't give it back when her son asks she's highly unlikely to give it because your DH asks. Just my thoughts and it might save your DH some stress.

it's a difficult one as she may continue to take money off him. Would not put that past her at all. So we may even not give him the money for the ticket but simply say she has done wrong by him and email her to say we are not going to pay up and that all she is doing is doing wrong by DSS. Sad and unfortunate and terrible for DSS but I dont see that we should step in for her wrongdoing.