Advice needed on DPs contact with his kids ..... PLEASE

[bster84]

Hi

Im new, and im struggling being a partner to my DP and all because of the hassles with his kids and ex. I need some advice on helping him forward so that we can then try and focus on ourselves!

He has 3 kids with his ex. Boy (12) Girl (7) and son (3).

He has not seen them for 6 months. He finally got contact in a contact centre, and has done 4 sessions there. The children have not come into the centre. He has now decided not to continue with the contact centre.

None of his kids will see him. When his ex brings them they have got hysterical (younger 2) & abusive (eldest) and refused to get out of the car. When he has tried to collect them they have not come to the house door, and ex wont let him go in to fetch them out. They will only see him if some other family member from exs side comes too, or if he goes to their home.

CAFCASS report last year stated that eldests wishes should be respected. That middle child had concerns about contact with father but long term gains would outweight short term distress and that the youngest was taking his lead from elder siblings, and then recommended immediate unsupervised contact with younger 2 children, increasing fortnightly and then review to overnights. Ex basically shrugged and said well im not dragging them to his house, he can come and get them, but then she wouldnt let him in so he didnt see them! At a further hearing his sol recommended him agreeing to contact in a "neutral venue with exs family present to build bridges and show reduced hostilty to the children" He did so and they did for 3 months, but this broke down (DP and exs DP got into a fight) and ex said collect, but again kids wont come.

They have a hearing in 6 weeks. His exs sol has written to him, saying that they will be requesting a updated report from CAFCASS,and then a final hearing, which he has agreed to. However his ex has suggested mediation and there is a meeting set up for 3 weeks time, and his ex has suggested they both bring a plan for how contact can progress with a view to a consent order. He is pinning all his hopes on the judge "forcing" his ex to bring the younger 2 to his house and iin his door. I dont think from comments the judge has made in previous hearings that this will happen.

I think his ex is deliberately messing with the kids, but she is playing a good game of looking willing, and always manages to make my partner look like the bad one.

Ive suggested he just tries contact with the youngest in the hope the fear of missing out brings the middle one, but thats caused some right old arguments and we are on the verge of splitting up.

Does anyone have any ideas what else he can suggest?

Or what I can do to make sure this doesnt split us up?

have the kids explained why they don't want to visit? and why would they not go into the contact centre?

if they will only go if someone else from the exes side of the family goes would it be possible for him to meet them somewhere like a park or the swimming pool? it's a neutral place but public enough to take the pressure off IYSWIM.

DSDs (18, 16) did have phases where they didn't want to see DH so we managed by telling them that the door was always open to them to come when they want and backed off. we also took to seeing them at the PILs which meant that it was neutral enough for them to want to come and MIL would keep DSDs and DH in check when things kicked off. by disengaging from the inevitable arguments with DSDs and the exW we saved ourselves a lot of hassle.

Ah i feel for you bster i don't have much advice other than try not to let it get to you which is obviously easier said than done. It sounds like the ex is more than likely to be contributing to them not wanting to see their father. I don't know how women can do this if there is no good reason it only hurts their children in the long run. i'm sure others will be a long to help soon.

Why is your DP giving up on the contact centre? If he doesn't contine with that it won't help his case. And why don't the kids want to see him?

Why do the children not want to see him?

Thats a vital part of this situation that really needs to be posted to comment properly, what the children want to do must have some bearing in this situation?

i echo why dont they want to see him??

has he tried regular phonecalls? sending them a postcard/magazine weekly?

maybe a cheap mobile for him to ring them on and perhaps a text weekly too?

build up slowly whilst waiting for court?

I have to be honest, there are a couple of things bothering me about your post. One, what the others said about why they dont want to see him. Two, the solicitor comment and three the fact he got into a fight in a contact centre with her new partner. Is he violent? I have to be honest if we went to all the hassle of going to court and then the contact centre and dp had a fight for any reason, or any excuse whatsoever with the partner of his ex I would be asking very serious questions about what has gone on.

omg i missed the fight part!!!

why is contact going through court? why is his ex making him take it to court?

we only have your side on this

Advising purely on what you have said if this man got into a fight with a man they know in front of them at a place that is supposed to be safe when his solicitor has told him to go there to show them LACK of hostility I think they probably have very good reason to be concerned. I dont often do this on this board but there is no excuse for violence or aggression and why the heck would you allow yourself to lose it like that in a place where you KNOW you are being observed.

thisw fight was at a 'neutral venue' not the contact centre...i.e,in public

Hi everyone thanks for the replies. To answer yours questions:

DP feels (and i must point out i disagree with him) that there is no point continuing with the contact centre when the DCs wont come. He says its a really negative environment, and there is nothing for them to do, and he isnt a danger to them so why should he see them in a contact centre.

Eldest is very angry about DP leaving. He has taken his mums side and has no wish to see DP at all.

Middle child has always been very close to mum, and has stated that dad makes her feel sad. He does sometimes says things which i think could upset her, (she is very very mardy?) but he doesnt mean it nastily and i think its because of the whole situation and mum feeding it (oh isnt daddy horrible) that its got out of hand.

Youngest follows his sister wherever she goes!

He has not been violent as such to his ex, but they have had some blazing rows, where she just turns round and says im not talking to you any more. DP then gets more frustrated and shouts louder! His solicitor told him, that would affect the children and he needed to show that him and mum could get on. Ex refused to do so unless in public as she was "scared by DP"

The fight was completely unacceptable, and i make no bones about it (did have words with DP about it). By fight i mean DP threw a punch at exs DP, gave him a black eye. This was not in front of the children. DPs ex had turned up without them. Told DP he was handling the whole thing wrong, told him he was a bad dad essentially, and DP lost it! I will not excuse him, hes a grown man he should have known better.

ilove how old were your step kids when they didnt want to come? How long did it take before they changed their minds?

The problem is, i find this very difficult. I dont have kids of my own, and i dont know what is normal or not.

Part of me wants to say just back off and leave it, if they come then they come, if only the littlest comes so be it, but my DP goes mad when i say that. He thinks i dont care about them, that I want him to leave his kids (which he knows is not true and later apologises for), but I hate being in a relationship with someone where I have to tread on eggshells about such a massive issue!

I just see the strain this is putting on him. Every week he has physched himself up to see them, and every week its not worked and he comes home in pieces.

Did the kids witness the fight? If so then they won't be happy will they? I know I would not want to be around men who may fight.

No the kids did not witness it. And by fight i mean and punch (thrown by DP) and then a scuffle. The man from the ice-cream kiosk came over and told them to pack it in and they did. The fight happened because the kids were not there. DP was still an idiot though

are you absolutely sure he has told you everything?? what was the outcome of the CAFCASS report?

He has not been violent to his ex as such?

But he's abusive to her and she's afraid of him?

Despite the fact that you are clearly biased towards him, your posts don't make him sound like a good guy.

bster it would have been between 11-15ish. happened around the time they moved to secondary school and made new friends. i could see their point. they wanted to meet with friends and do other stuff but they felt they had to see DH too. thing is, if they lived with us we wouldn't expect them to see us all the time but it took DH a while to not be hurt by them choosing their friends instead.

exW was not happy because that meant that DH wasn't doing her bidding but would be equally pissed off if they stayed at friends etc. she wanted to be in control of access but it had to be on her terms and we weren't playing ball. they did end up staying at PILs more, purely because i'm an evil stepmum they got away with behaviour that wouldn't be tolerated by me us. in fact DSD2 has been living at PILs since she was 12 and refuses to move back to her mums. she comes over to ours everyday after school to facebook to do homework and walk the dog, and often comes over to watch crap on tv. this does not please exW because we live across the road from her, but tough shit. DSD2 comes here because we keep out of her problems with her mum. DSD1 has her own place as she has a little boy but is a master manipulator when it comes to DH and exW. thankfully DH is wise to the games (finally!) after 14yrs

Easy to judge when you haven't been in the situation - gradually loosing your kids, going through the soul-destroying process of court, trying to justify your place in your children's lives, having strangers investigate all kinds of allegations against you, finally having a judgement about what is in your childrens best interests, and then that is ignored.

If you are committed to this man - who has a lot of baggage and it is never going to be easy - then you have to support him, as a parent. These are his children. And he needs to get very smart, very fast. He needs good advice from someone who knows what they are talking about.

Firstly, you have to tell him that it is very, very difficult for a court to 'force' a recalcitrant parent to hand over the kids. They are very reluctant to threaten a resident parent with any kind of consequence. Secondly, even if the children have been brainwashed/coerced by the mother into this position of not wanting to see Dad, he can't ignore the fact that this, currently, is their feeling and he has to acknowledge that and find ways to help them cope. It is a long game and right now he is playing right into his ex's hands. He needs to show that he can put the needs of his children above everything.

He must know that his moment of madness in attacking ex's new man was a disasterous mistake. He must take responsibility for it and recognise he has weakened his own case and he has to earn back the ground he has lost. This mediation is an opportunity to work with someone who his children love and respect. He has to show he understands the needs of his children. Get him to be smart. Work on a plan of gradual, child-centred communication and bonding. Get him to think about the emotional needs of each child and come up with a way to meet those needs.

You also need to find someone to talk to and to decide if you want to be part of this. Step-parenting is not for everyone and it is an incredible commitment to children who are not yours and to a man who will always have another woman in his life.

Hi, Thanks for your response.

I have actually being thinking about going to counselling. Im hoping to convince my DP to come to, but if not I will go to it alone. Alot of my friends dont understand. I thought I knew what I was getting into. I knew he had DCs, I knew him and his ex were not amicable, I encouraged him to start the court case to get better access, but I just didnt realise it would be this hard.

WRT the plan, he just wont see reason. He is convinced that it is his ex who is making the children act this way, and on purpose! He doesnt see why he should do anything other than have them for the day (he would compromise at half a day) building up to overnights. I just want to shake him!

As i said Id suggested just having the little one. Still send and communicate with the other 2, but just accept that right now they wont come, but he feels that this will result in them never coming. I have reached the conclusion its better to just shut up! But why should something which plays such a big big part of my life be something i am allowed no control over? Its what brought me to the internet. Im fed up of being told i have no kids, so i dont know what Im talking about. I thought maybe someone could either point me in a direction of a gd plan, give me a good plan which i can shove under DPs nose show to him, and also maybe just maybe some people who can help me go through this. Everyone has sympathy for DP, but noone understands the toll it has on me (feeling sad for myself emoticon)