My DP's DS aged 10 has refused to see him for 18 months

[lellibobs]

I have already posted on behaviour but another poster suggested I try here.

I would welcome any advice from others with similar experience or who can offer ideas on where my Dp can go from here.

Three years ago my dp separated from his wife. They have since divorced after two years separation. A fw months after he left we met. I was divorced four years ago and have two DDs 16 and 18 who get on v well with dp.

DP looked after his Ds every other weekend after he left the marital home and ds enjoyed this time with his father. He is mainly cared for by his grandmother as his mother chooses to work full time. Ds and grandmother are very close and they all live together in the same house with grandfather as well.

We decided to move in together but Dps ex wife did not want him to be introduced to me as she felt he would be too upset. He is a very sensitive boy and was very upset at the breakup of his parent marriage.

So it was left as long as possible but my DP told his Ds about me and that I would be moving in.

Since then he has refused to see my dp at all and apparently tears up letters and his mother has refused to encourage him to see DP. This has been going on for so long and is heartbreaking for Dp. in the mean time DP has been paying maintenance and school fees so that his ex does not have any money worries.

Dp tried to get CAFCAS hearing but in the end withdrew the action because he did not want his son to be upset by being interviewed by court officials and poss the judge.

All advice gratefully received as to how long this might continue and is there anything he can do other than what he does already which is write to him regularly on the advice of a child psychologist?

mistake he made was withdrawing from CAFCASS......and the ds would not have had to speak to court officials or judges at all. who told you that rubbish???

Wow you could almost be me. My history is my DP introduced me 3 years into our relationship to SD - she took it badly and refused to see him if it meant i was there. 18 months on if my DP mentions my or our dd's name she gets upset. After a court case it looks like the best my DP is going to get is an hour a fortnight on his own with his DD as she refuses to agree to anything else.

It is horrible. But maybe if your DP has time with his son one on one without being forced into seeing you then maybe he will come round. My heart really goes out to you XXXXXXX

court can re=instate the contact your dp was having previously,but cafcass will need to speak with him....find out if he wants to see dad etc. but if he doesnt,well he can't be forced at this age......once he's 11,at secondary age,its hard to get kids to work with you.

could he send him a mobile phone so they can text
skype/webcam
emails cant be torn up

This is almost certainly a case of your stepson taking on his mother's views and the arrival of a new partner is a common trigger for this. Hindsight is a wonderful thing but it was a mistake to withdraw from the court process.
At ten his "Wishes and Feelings" will be given considerable weight by a court but, if you have no other option, I'd apply.
There is a very good book on the subject called "Divorce Poison" by David Warshak which your hubby will find very useful in helping him to understand and cope with the alienation.

TillyTulip DP received pleading missives from exes solicitor warning it would be very traumatic for DSS and that it could make the alienation permanent as advised by DSS counsellor. He felt he had no choice really as his solicitor advised against CAFCAS also saying they would focus on his DSs wishes and therefore it was very unlikely to succeed. I think was very poor advice now. DP will be able to email DS when he goes to boarding school in September but DS does not have an e mail account now.
I think it is very unlikely he will be allowed to use a mobile if we send him one. It will be kept back by the grandmother.

emjanedel I'm sorry you are going through a similar time and hope that your SD will come round soon. We have never got to the point of suggesting meeting me. He refuses to meet his Dad for a pizza or let him watch him play sports at school. He does not even know I have 2DDs!

Tyr Thanks for your thoughts on this and agree we should have pressed on. DP is minded to reinstate action soon as feels he has nothing much too lose as the alienation has gone on so long. He has read several articles on Parent Alienation Syndrome and this appears to be a classic case but it does not seem to be recognized by the British legal system.

Thanks everyone for your advice.

lellibobs,
P.A.S. is not recognised but the phenomena of parental alienation is, although little is done to address it. If he goes back to court, he may be fortunate enough to get a decent Judge and Cafcass officer, possibly a Guardian ad litem who may be able to move things forward. As you say, he has nothing to lose. As of the beginning of April this year, both parents will have to attend a mediation assessment before applying to the court. Something might come of that; you never know- pigs might fly
The missives from the solicitor were bollocks but you probably both realise that now

why will he be able to email in september and not now?

Because his housemaster has told us that we can e mail him when he starts his new school in September. He will be a boarder and hopefully less influenced from grandmother.

p.s. lellibobs, if he hasn't already seen this, it might be helpful:

The 28 signs of hostility to contact

Copied from Dr. Lowenstein PAS /Implacable Hostility:
www.parental-alienation.info/pub ... parali.htm

Sadly the situation you have will only get worse over time and I suspect court is the only route - I suspect the child needs to be seen by someone as it feels a very unhealthy relationship at home with mum & grandmother.. Yes children can feel hurt by divorce but it the parents responsibility to mitigate those concerns.

Does your dp have any influence in the school decision? Can he talk with the teachers and see if they can help, do they have a counsellor available at the school?

Why do people automatically assume the child is being 'poisoned' by the other family? This really annoys me. Yes, in some circumstances it may well be true, but do you have any evidence to support this?

I have gone through this for quite some time now - my dd who is younger than the child mentioned here has flatly refused to see her father for reasons she cannot/will not discuss??! I have NOT poisoned her mind in anyway nor do I talk badly of her father in front of her.

I have not 'forced' her in anyway to see her father as it is actually quite distressing for me to see her in such a 'state' and affects everyone in our house and the life of love, stability and happiness I am trying to create for her on my own.

I have, however, actively tried to 'encourage' contact with her father but this has taken some time and in very small steps (but with a huge amount of protest, finger pointing at me (blaming) from exh, and threats of 'forcing' contact which actually makes the situation worse!)

Exh has thankfully now realised that working together with me instead of against me, and more importantly doing this in 'her time' (so she feels more in control of the situation and that her feelings are being treated seriously and taken into consideration) is actually working. I do appreciate that this can only be done if both parents work together to try to resolve (and I must say that the majority of the hard work has been done by myself to get their relationship back on track because of the animosity from him before) but they now see each other a few hours every other week.

Children are not always 'poisoned' against the non-resident partner etc just because the exw may still feel hurt - I would never pass that onto my children even though the pain is still unbearable at times! Children are growing up and trying to make sense of their lives - we all have fall outs with people even when we are adults. We just have to help them make sense of this crazy world and encourage them to make good decisions. It's not the end of the world if time passes with little or no contact - a lot of good relationships can be reformed in adult life when choices are your own.

They have a right to see both parents equally but they also have a right to decide for themselves how they feel and whether they want a relationship with that person or not. Why should complete strangers (Cafcass/judge/solicitors) decide what is best for your children (unless proven they are being emotionally abused). The only people that truly know that child are those people they spend the most time with - whoever that may be, mum, dad, grandparents etc.

I would say try to work together and work in the childs own timeframe. Lots of open (age appropriate) discussions on the family situation, the new people in each others lives, lots of listening to the childs views and lots of encouragement to have a relationship with the non-resident partner is what I would suggest. Don't give up - my dd would switch off, sob hysterically, make herself physically sick, walk away etc at the mere mention of exh's name at first but I persevered.

Good Luck. Hope this works for you too.

tyr Thank you for the website info and the book details. It has been incredibly useful and the book is already much highlighted. Wish we had read it before the previous CAFCASS hearing was abandoned. My DP sees now that CAFCASS is the way to go.

smum99 Teachers at the current school have been no help at all and merely confirmed to my DP that his DS hates him. They won't get involved. We have spoken to his new housemaster at the new school so they are aware of the situation and they are going to encourage his DS to read e mails and letters and allow DP to attend School events. Will find out if they have a counsellor though thanks.

talie101 Thanks for your post and I agree it shouldn't be automatically assumed that Parental Alienation is occurring. In this case we do have lots of evidence in solicitors letters, court documentation and e mails that DP's ex and ex mil have refused to encourage DS to respond to DP letters or visit him. The ex refused in front of the judge to agree to "encourage DS to have a relationship with his father" and would only agree to facilitate access if DS made a request.

Its clear that you encouraged contact with your DD gently and were willing to work with your ex to achieve this. I did the same with my DDs and they were able to have a loving relationship with both their parents. However DP's ex will not communicate at all only through solicitors mainly. My DP has been very patient but is no further forward after 18 months. Its absolutely heartbreaking to witness his distress as he is told that his letters are ripped up without being read and that his DS hates him.

Thanks to all of your for responses and support.