need advice re teenage SD please, long sorry!

[Dirtydiana]

She is 17 and typical moody teenager, which I can understand, just about remember what it feels like to be that age! However I didn't behave like this, too scared of my parents for starters!

She stays with us 2-3 times a week. The problem at the moment is regarding lack of hygiene, and make up all over bedding because she doesn't take it off before she goes to bed, disheartening when I've just washed it. Plus said make-up is all over bathroom, bedroom and door frames from her fingers. Also leaves food/drink mess for me to clean up (DH at work). I am frankly fed up of cleaning up after her as I would equally be if she was my own child. I think this should have been dealt with more firmly a long time ago.

I can't relate to her at all, dirty knickers and used ST's left in drawers, not showering. Same at her Mums.

We have asked nicely on numerous occasions for her to remove it before bed and wash hands etc. Had no effect.
After more make-up mess last week we ended up having big argument, mainly because her response was either it's not her(who else is it then, Grrrr!) or she does take it off(not very well then!) and general bad attitude.
This is the first time I have ever told her off/shouted in the 6 years I have been with DH. I had to listen to her ranting to DH after I had gone to bed and again in the morning because she doesn't think I have the right to shout at her. (He has 100% backed me on this).

There was more complaining when was next staying too. I'm lying in bed listening to her tone and thinking shall I go down and say something or stay upstairs like a pathetic wimp because I don't want another confrontation. I didn't go down.

I dread her day off as she has a nice morning lie in, then early afternoon shower and getting ready before she goes out, then I have to go round cleaning up the mess in every room she has been in, or decide I'm not going to clean it, either way it winds me up. (On mat leave at mo, so I'm in the house a lot more which doesn't help).

I suppose I'm asking how to deal with this in an adult way, asking nicely doesn't work, there is now a bad atmosphere when she is here, I'm dwelling on it all far too much and getting in a state about it, then getting annoyed with myself for letting it get to me. I do not have a close relationship with her and cannot warm to her and I hate to say that, I really do. I wish we did as I don't have a daughter, so it would be nice to be able to do girly things, shopping etc.

There have been other issues over the last few years and ongoing now and I get to the point where I want out of my relationship because of it.

need some wise words of advice please!

I could have written this. And I know all too well the bad atmosphere and feelings of getting in a state about it.

But - one practical thing I can suggest - if you can afford to, get a cleaner. And if you can get support from DH to contain her mess to one room instead of all over the house - then you can shut the door.

I've tried this and it sort of works, but I think it is ignoring the problem and I guess I'm hoping that DSD will figure out personal hygiene on her own. I am not sure how realistic that is, but only time will tell.

Thanks for the reply justnotcricket. We cannot afford a cleaner, would be nice though as I feel it's all I bloody do these days! Plus the mess is things like tea slopped over kitchen worktops, spilt sugar, crumbs etc,etc. Then make-up on doors, bathroom floor, sink, flippin everywhere so it seems! Its very spread out!

Bugger getting a cleaner ... if your on mat leave, you have better things to spend your time and money on!

Tell her to sort herself out or she simply cannot stay over - at 17 she is NO longer a child, as if she is working, she is an adult so needs to act like one. If she wants to be a dirty dog, do it somewhere else and not in your home and not where you have to tidy up after her!

She's obviously making you feel awkward in your own home (a situation I am in with my 15yo SD so really i do understand exactly where you are coming from) and whinging and wining to Daddy... so I'd tell her, she is an adult, she obviously has somewhere else to go, so she's not to stay over then!

I feel for you but feel given her age, you have good options in front of you if you can get the support of your OH... good luck xx

Thanks littlemissliedto,

Wish I could say those things, don't think it would go down too well with DH though!

Your home should be the one place where you can fully relax, not be on edge all the time and have someone slagging you off in your earshot.

I would go and buy the cheapest bed set I could find . Put it on her bed and leave it there . Scanky moo .

What does your DH think about it all?

Or is it mainly when he is at work so you end up tidying it up before he comes home and he doesn't see the full effect. if so is there any chance you could go away for a few days (stay with family or friends). Then it would be up to DH to deal with it all. He might realise then how bad it is and have a word with her.

My ss lives with us now and didn't know the meaning of the word tidy. I had to make it clear to him and Dh that I wouldn't be tidying up after him. I don't do his washing or change his beds etc. He was 17 when he moved in with us and is more than capable of doing stuff when he wants to. he is slowly improving but there are times I hid in my bedroom, muttering "detach, detach" to myself :) Only a few more months to go !!

DH knows what she is like, in the past he has run round tidying up after her before I get in from work and see it! We have had numerous words with her i.e. asking nicely, to no effect which is why I lost my temper with her last week. Obviously the flare up last week has all blown over for him now, while I'm still stewing!

I honestly have never known anyone so messy and dirty with no respect for property, hers or anyone elses. She knows if she breaks something like her phone, DH will get her a new one, that's why. Grrrrr.

My new policy is I'm not doing cleaning/tidying any of her mess any more or washing her bedding. Detach, detach indeed.

I would get a plastic box from Tescos.

Pick up her stuff from around the house and put it in it and dump it on her bed.

Buy cheap covers for her bed and let them be skanky. She's 17 make her wash them.

My DSD is 18 (has lived with us since she was 9). She is truly a mucky pup. I've learned to pick my battles. I'll have a go at her if she leaves the kitchen in a mess or doesn't do her dishes. The bathroom (bath is orange (!) after every shower/bath, floor soaking, sink orange after washing make up off), I just sigh and clean up, is especially annoying if I've just cleaned the bath, but I figure it has to be regularly cleaned anyway. I leave her bedroom to her, it's her domain if she wants to live in a pigsty she can, I'm not cleaning up her crap. Occasionally if we start to run out of cups/glasses I'll go upstairs and clear them out of her room (will always say something though). I do, do her washing but only when she brings it down to the communal wash basket.

The best thing we ever did was pay for her to have Sky in her room (£10 a month) as it means the living room isn't constantly a tip after her watching TV, (she also doesn't hog the remote any more). I certainly don't change her bed for her (covered in make up and fake tan) she's old enough to do it herself.

I have started as I mean to go on with my DSD's - 10 & 7. I won't clean their room at all or tidy it because I know if I do they will never do it. DH does it - they "help". If he doesn't want to do it he has to get them to. If they leave stuff lying round all over the house I just shove it through their bedroom door.
I keep the rest of the house clean and tidy, do the washing and all the cooking but I'm not their personal housekeeper and I won't clean their room.
When I was their age I had to keep my room tidy and help with the washing up etc.

Thanks for the replies everyone,

It has helped me feel more positive about the situation.

Jem - your dsd sounds possibly even messier than my dsd, sounds like you have the orange foundation syndrome going on as well!

Yes, I think you have to get them used to cleaning up after themselves at a younger age, I'm already training ds 4 to clean up after himself (within reason of course!)

I could have written this also. My step-daughter is 18 in September and has lived with us since she was 14 (been her step-mum since she was 8-years-old). Sadly, her mum passed away when she was 14 hence coming to live with us (as well as my step-son who is now 11). So, it's been a turbulent time anyway ae children have been through a terribly traumatic time. However, I am only human and after 3 years of having the house trashed, I really have had enough. I refuse to do her washing now as I used to do all her laundry and ironing only to find it chucked on the floor in her bedroom. She has completely destroyed her bedroom - the highsleeper with built-in wardrobe/desk is chipped to high heaven (my husband spent an entire day putting that together for her - cost £300) and the draw fronts are all broken so have just dumped on the floor. There is ground-in hair and makeup all over the carpet, the window frames are close to crumbling due to mould from never opening the window, there is mouldy food all over the desk and pants on the floor with soiled sanitary towels still stuck inside them! Empty fag packets are also everywhere. She dyes her hair and gets it all over my towels then hides them in her wardrobe where they start to stick due to being damp. She does her washing about once a month and changes her bedclothes quarterly.

My husband has tried everything, even writing her a letter explaining that it upsets us because we feel our home is being disrespected. She'll clean her room for a day or two then just lets it slip again. We've even had to tell her about leaving used tampons on the bathroom side. When she goes out she looks immaculate, she never smells or looks dirty in herself, it's just the environment around her.

Like you, I never had a cross word with my step-daughter in all the 9 years I've known her but recently I've found it very hard to bite my lip. Since she's been approaching adulthood her attitude has become worse and worse, she seems to think that 18 means she can do what she want! She inherits £60k from her mum's estate on her 18th birthday and is already planning a trip to Barbados (during her A Levels!!!!), we have no control over it whatsoever and are terrified she's going to blow the lot. My husband has said that at 18 she can indeed do what she wants but not if she's living under our roof ... if she won't live by our rules then she'll have to go. It's such a shame as we've all tried so hard to build a safe, loving home over this past few years and it's been the hardest few years of my life to be honest. Now I feel that bit by bit it's all being chucked back in my face, it's like she biding her time until her money comes through and then she'll dump college and go on a huge spending spree.

Sorry, gone off the subject but needed a rant as never posted on one of these before! I always read other people's posts but never make a comment myself.

Thanks for reading if you got this far xx

Agree with bustersmummy. There is no need for you to change or wash her bedding, she can do it herself. Buy her some face wash and make-up remover and remind her that she'll get spotty if she doesn't remove it as all the clag is building up in her paws as you speak!

As for the used sanitary towels! Yuk! Fucking hell. How can she not be embarrassed enough to do something about that! Was it a one off or does it happen all the time?

Gooshka I was the same as you, always reading other posts but never posting myself. I just needed some advice from people with experience of step-parenting as I don't know anyone in same situation in RL.

Your SD sounds a hell of a lot worse than mine in the messiness stakes, you must have the patience of a saint!!

The getting worse as gets older is the case here too, I thought she would learn to be more particular over hygiene as she grew up more.

Are there any consequences for the state of her room that you could implement?

You could post in the teen topic and would no doubt get some constructive advice on there.

quack we have bought her some wipes to remove her make-up but she hasn't been using them unless DH gets them out of her drawer for her and reminds her. Has no spots, have told her not removing make-up will lead to skin problems eventually. Used ST's has not been a one off, the smell is foul and leads you to them, so to speak!!

You need to figure out some consequences here. You're still the parents even if she is 17, and punishments are still allowed. Clearly wallowing in her own filth is not a punishment to her, so it's going to have to be more stick than carrot.

For a start take her make up off her. That'll get her attention. How does she get the money to buy it? Cut that off too, and return it when she cleans up after herself. The second she walks in the house, hand her a wipe to clean her face.

Don't yell, but don't ask nicely - you need to firmly tell her. My husband is ace at this - he starts with "THIS does not happen" and ends with "do you understand?" without ever raising his voice. When she starts to act responsibly, give her her things back.

I'd honestly take a zero tolerance approach. It's going to cause whinging, huffing and it's going to be nasty, but you've got to sort it. Everything you find, get her and watch over her while she cleans it. Remind her that she cleans it at the time, or you will make her clean it later, but she will clean it.

Take no sh*t. By all means run away and have a good cry when she can't see you, but in front of her, have no fear. She's a child.

Thank you for the advice BlackShuck,

Taking her make up off her was going to be the next step if things carried on the way they were. This week she has made the effort to clean up after herself. I don't expect it to last, but I am not going back to how it was before. It will be zero tolerance from now on.

A lot of it has been lack of confidence in myself to be more assertive, and leaving DH to mention things. However, he lets her get away with far more than I would.

The other problem is poor hygiene though, and I don't know how to tackle that without sounding offensive. She was very whiffy the other day, DH doesn't seem to want to mention it to her, his sense of smell is rubbish anyway. I'm sure he thinks I'm exaggerating but I'm definitely not!