HELP! So much bad feeling is tearing this family apart!

[littlemissliedto]

Sorry this is long and has lots of points and I'd welcome advice from step mums - I don't need the usual step mum bashing about how this "child" feels because I know all about that! But I need advice and can't cope with being bashed around any more.

OK... here goes!

I have DS who is 5 and SD (15) who moved in around 18 months ago when MOTY decided she wanted to "do her own thing" and needed "me time". We had 3 days notice and absolutely no choice in the matter. It was hard and we've tried to make it work in diffuclt circimstances - SD is ok but is hardly here - she generally spends 4 nights here and then spends other 3 nights a week with relatives of MOTY, usually last minute.

I am heavily pregnant with my 2nd child, planned, wanted and very much loved... in fact I have 3 weeks left (so I am very aware my hormones are playing a huge part in the whole sorry story).

My SD treats here like hotel - she comes and goes as she pleases, leaves dirty washing all over the place, refuses to tidy her bedroom, leaves shoes all over floor downstairs (a pair of which i tripped over last week and hurt myself!). She wants me to be a taxi service and has no consideration for the fact that (a) my DH is not around much at the moment due to his business needs in the current climate (b) my DS needs to be fed, go to bed, etc and (c) I am heavily pregnant.

MOTY who doesn't want more than 5/6 hour face to face contact per week but is always on the phone and undermines everything... and I'm finding the whole situation really diffficult. Here are 3 examples which are really getting to me:

• She watched me cooking meal (her favoriate) and when i put it in front of her told me her gran was coming and taking her out for tea so i need not have bothered (she thought this was hilarious, but i just find it rude);
• Last week she was meant to be back at 12 noon and her MOTY called me at 5.35pm to say they'd been shopping and she was on her way back but as MOTY was going out, I'd have to feed SD and get her up to her karate lesson for 6.30 as she needed to eat b4 she went.
• SD has a new boyfriend (I haven't met him) who she wants him to sleep over in her bedroom. I've said no! My reasons are (a) she is 15 so technically it is illegal; (b) its a new relationship so its all very fast and i haven't met this lad (who is 18 BTW): (c) its my home - not a knocking shop and (d) I have a young child in the house (in the room next door) so all in all I AM NOT COMFORTABLE WITH IT. My DH feels very much the same and cannot get his head around the fact his 15yo is having sex (so is burying his head in the sand)!

So what does MOTY do... she turns up on my doorstep at a time when she knows my hubby is not around and gives me grief... apparently "running around after teenagers is what parents do", the bedroom thing is "perfectly normal - teenagers are messy, deal with it!" and that I am endangering HER daughter with MY "prissy" attitude to sex (as she feels I'm forcing them down country lanes and park benches)! Then she tells me the problem is MY pregnancy and everything was fine before I "DECIDED" to have another baby!!!!

I'm really pissed off - SD treats me like her personal slave, her mum just sticks her oar in (which is easy when she is so hands off) and all the time I just want it to be me, DH, DS and baby... DH and I argue constantly about her and he is spending more and more time at work... In fairness he did call MOTY last week and told her to butt out and leave me alone but thinks it will all blow over ...

Every time i look at the closed bedroom door, i get an overwhelming urge to go in and pack it all up and dump it on mum's doorstep - to me it should be my baby's nursery and while i appreciate this baby is in with us 4 at least the first 6 months, why should this girl have this room, behave like this and make MY child miss out. She is making my life a misery and I am really stressed out constantly. My in laws feel that the girl needs to go back to mum and that she is the problem - even my DH admits this but how can we do this knowing MOTY does not WANT her...

So I'm in an impossible position, putting myself last as usual because I KNOW just how shitty it MUST be for this child, but at the same time, my little family is a happy place when she isn't around so what am I to do?!?!?

Thoughts and advice would be most welcome please from people who've been step parents and can use experience to provide some perspective.... thank you x

You and your DH need a calm discussion about it.

Then have another discussion with the SD. Establish what is acceptable/not acceptable behaviour and get some ground rules in place and quickly! Explain that as she is living in your house some things will naturally be different.
I expect she will respond positively if you include her in the discussion - "what are things that we should expect of you in terms of room/chores etc? what do you like doing?" e.g. cooking or something - she may be a help to you if you nurture it. If the mother does not want her there is nothing you can do but step up and do your best for the daughter.
Boyfriend staying over is a no-no in my book - esp as you havent met him. Also I would want a definite track of where she is - spending half the week away at various other homes is not good for her especially as she needs some stability and presumably is studying at school? Much as you may dislike the idea of her being there more often! On the other hand, this means your house does then feature as her "home" and therefore easier for her to get used to groundrules and expectations.
Good luck - I do feel for you and seems you need more support from your DH.
My other piece of advice is simply to ignore the mother is she is being painful and undermining.

If MOTY is so effing perfect -excuse my French - why the f* doesn't she take her ungrateful ill mannered slob of a daughter back home with her seeing as she has all the answers ?! Jeez .... how you didn't deck her one I don't know but what an example of hypocritical selfishness she is.

Frankly, I know you can't stop the girl seeing her mum - of course not - but she (the "mother") can't have it all ways round ....palming off her child whilst at the same time interfering, manipulating, shit-stirring too by the sounds of it. If there's really no chance of SD moving back home then you have EVERY right - seeing as her parental responsibilities have effectively been forced upon you, to decide what happens in your own home. It's not even a question of right and wrong - it's your home, your rules, whatever they may be. It's fairly typical that a teenager will kick back whatever the rules, but it's appalling that her mother has dumped her and STILL thinks she can dictate. If words from DH aren't warning her off I would be SO tempted to block her from my landline and my mobile for a start (presumably she can contact SD via her mobile if needs be) and I'd also be giving very serious consideration to an injunction against her so she literally can't come within xxx feet of your home. Why the hell should you have to put up with that kind of harassment - which is what this is.

And then, so far as SD is concerned - tough love. You and DH need to be in total agreement but basically she can be as rude and as inconsiderate as she wants, but there will ALWAYS be a consequence. That meal stunt she pulled ........ okay, if she wants to waste your time and your food, her straighteners get confiscated for example (until she "earns" them back), or, she bloody well gets grounded - tough that gran is taking her out, it'll have to be another time. I agree her mum's rejection must be awful for her, and she's a teenager, but you are doing the right thing to stick by your principles and your rules. Kids - whatever's going on - and especially if they've got upset happening in other areas, benefit from boundaries.

Thanks Ladydeedy... believe me i have tried to talk to her about it and "nurture" her interests. I have arranged "girly" days centred around her interests and tried to work with her to find out what she wants and needs - i.e. she doesn't want me to be 'mum' - she says she's got one of those!

We have a chat and its ok for a few days and then descends back to where it was before. She wanted to do some cooking so we let her but the state of the kitchen afterwards became an issue so that has stopped. Karate is something she has recently started as she wanted to do some exercise with discipline and get out and about - we tried lots of thing and this seemed to work for her.

When that didn't work DH read her the riot act and then she gets all sneaky and resentful... she also calls mum about every little thing who just doesn't get the message to butt out.

I agree being elsewhere is not helpful but there are other siblings (from mum's other relationships) involved and she has a need to see/ spend time with them and them with her - her grandparents or aunty's tend to be a meeting point as mum doesn't have any of them with her.

School is the only good thing we have at the moment - her grades are significantly higher than they have ever been and school have recognised that this has been since she has been with us.

The trouble is I'm out of energy for this now... i just want to focus on my new baby and my little boy!

hello littlemiss i have 1 DSD and 2 DSS and i think i have found from experience you have to basically go right back to basics and treat them like you would treat your 5yr old, as in 'if you don't pick up your shoes/ tidy your room you won't be getting a lift/ money to do (karate, phone credit etc)' and i would be inclinded to ask her in the morning before she goes out whether she's coming home for dinner or if she has other plans as she 'is nearly 16' which i what i used to hear all the time the second DSD turned 15! the mother sounds like a pain in the backside i thikn i would probably be telling her if she knows all the answers then to take her DD back home with her... actually i'm a wimp i'd get DH to tell her :o
it is hard when you have step children and nothing you do ever seems to be right but hang in there things clm down!! my DSD is 19 nearing 20 now and she's lovely!

thanks Cats and looloosmummy... I know I'm gonna get crucified on here for saying this but ...

In my heart of hearts, I know you are both right and its about going back to basics and setting the boundaries - with consequences (and sticking to them)! However, in real terms, at 38 weeks pregnant, my energy levels have been sapped by the whole sorry mess and i just cannot find it in me... I just need/ want to concentrate on me, my husband, my 5 year old and my new baby

I just need to dig deep and try again, in the hope this time, it isn't thrown back at me, because quite honestly, i REALLY don't know how much more I can take!

maybe you need to book a weekend away with DP and DS before the new bub arrives and just take it easy if DSD is out so often she can stay at a friends over night while your away. you probably need to recoop a bit as it really does take it out of you being pregnant and running round after older children too! i also found that when things got extreamly difficult i started ignoring certain things and just let it go over my head because it was making me potty! but i am well aware some people find this difficult to do!

Her mother does not want her but neither do you, so why should she live with you? It is not as if your DH works from home and can parent her. He's not around a lot. I really feel for you, I wouldn't want to do anything for this kid. Did she get punished for tricking you into cooking her a meal and not wanting it?

I've no experience with step parenting, FWIW, but I would not take this girl anywhere. It is up to her dad or her mom. Her dad can take off from work, or mom inconvenience herself. Now IF the girl were lovely things would be different.

Nothing to add, just an un-MN hug x