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Step-parenting

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Original poster

AIBU to think tough shit

11 replies

lookingfoxy · 08/05/2011 19:24

Short version, me, dp, dss and ds lived together for 5 years.
Dp and dss (17) moved out a few months ago, my instigation as during our whole period of living together they were extremely messy, wouldn't pick up after themselves, dss was very ignorant towards me and ds (and dp) unless he wanted something.

I was not allowed to comment or critisize (sp) dss as he was not my son, but I was expected to put up with this shit (there's more, keeping it brief).

Me and dp still together but living seperately, almost DAILY he is on the phone complaining about dss, all the same issues I had to deal with (now he's having to) and was never allowed to comment on. Its at the point he's considering telling dss to leave.

Basically yesterday I told him tough shit, that I'd had to put up with this without any support from him for 5 years, that is the reason we no longer live together and to stop whining to me about it.

I know its petty, but im just thinking ha bloody ha.

Just a little vent.

OP posts:

K999 · 08/05/2011 19:26

YANBU!!

nenevomito · 08/05/2011 19:45

While its sad that it too him having to move out to learn his lesson, you're not being unreasonable at all. Ha bloody ha indeed!!

catsmother · 08/05/2011 20:30

YANBU at all but it's very sad it's had to come to this. Sad for your relationship, but sad for SS too, because if his dad had taken on board what you were trying to tell him for so many years and had actually tackled the problems before (presumably) they got even worse, then maybe just maybe he wouldn't now be on the verge of asking SS to leave. Sounds like a typical case of lazy (or Disney ?) parenting coming home to roost.

Original poster

lookingfoxy · 08/05/2011 20:50

It certainly is lazy parenting coming home to roost.
I do feel sad, but also angry at what I had to put up with, I guess this is where the habloodyha comes in.
I also feel a bit sorry for dp as well, I don't know why though, he never felt bloody sorry for me, although I think he's rapidly now seeing what I was 'nagging and moaning' about all these years!

OP posts:

theredhen · 08/05/2011 21:31

I totally agree with catsmother.

Original poster

lookingfoxy · 08/05/2011 22:28

For the record I blame dp, dss only doing what he was allowed to get away with as any teenager would!

OP posts:

pickyourbrain · 09/05/2011 14:41

The problem is, it is always assumed that the step mum is complaining to cause problems or out of selfishness but it is often because from the periphery we can actually see what monster is being created and want to stop it for, not only but not least, the child's sake.

Original poster

lookingfoxy · 09/05/2011 21:02

Quite, I always said to dp that he was not doing dss any favours and I hope im proved wrong long term, but short term isn't looking likely.

OP posts:

finnbarr · 10/05/2011 11:59

Completely agree. YANBU!! My SS is 14 and is turning into a disrespectful, insensitive chauvanistic monster of a young man. Sounds awful, but it is true. DF says he does it to get a reaction out of me, and SS is now threatening to move out because he hates me that much (and before anyone starts, I am NOT harsh with him - I expect his room to be tidy, ask him to empty the dishwasher and put his laundry in the washing basket...and I am a horrible person!) I don't want it to turn into us living separatly, but would LOVE DF to get involved with disciplining him more.

caramelwaffle · 10/05/2011 12:02

Totally agree with catsmother.

GoodDaysBadDays · 10/05/2011 22:25

Oh this is all so familiar!

So many times I have thought about dh leaving and taking dss with him. Annoyingly dh always says he loves me too much to go.

What I'd really like to say to that is that if he really loved me he'd bugger off with dss

YANBU to be thinking tough shit. Maybe if your dp took a bit more notice of what you were trying to say about dss you wouldn't all be in this position now.

We're having major problems with dss atm. I'm not in the situation where i'm not allowed to criticise dss, more just that I have to parent him almost solely.

Dh is sympathetic to how much of a shit dss can be, but doesn't really get involved, or when he does it totally undermines whatever I've spent weeks building on with dss.

It's so bloody frustrating and if i was in your position op i'd certainly be thinking ha bloody ha.

Disclaimer: I love dss like my own so I talk about him as if he was my own, If any of the others pissed me off like he does, i'd want them to bugger off too

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