Mother wont have son overnight...

[ladydeedy]

sigh.. shouldnt be surprised given the history but I feel for my DSS. He has lived with us for about a year now and we were hoping that the relationship with his mum might improve a bit. it has just lately (he has been there for meals/afternoon etc).

DH has had a bereavement and he and I will be going to the funeral. It is during the week and the distance means we will be away overnight. We asked DSS who he would like to stay with (he sometimes stays with a schoolfriend) and he said he'd like to ask his mum as things seemed to be getting better and he could hang out with his brother too.
So he went to see her and she said no way. Probably because it is to "help" us but she went on and on at him saying what a terrible lad he is and that he's not welcome there (because his moving out meant that her "income" has dropped - ie. no child maintenance and no CB)....

Poor lad, he was almost in tears when he came home. He will stay with his grandma instead - what a shame that his mum couldnt see this as an opportunity for her to spend some time with him - he hasnt stayed a night there since he left. I dare say she will change her mind (as she always does) but it will be too late as we need to make arrangements quickly.
Not looking for advice necessarily, just slightly despairing of her!!

That's appalling - both that he's not welcome (her own son !) for just one night, and, that she lays all that guilt on him over the money she's "lost".

Poor lad, how heartbreaking for him and for you to watch him go through it. It's impossible to understand how a 'mother' can do this to her child.

At least he has you and your DH looking out for him.

I know. He was also "not welcome" at christmas and she told him she would only be buying presents for people she cared about (i.e. not him) and that she couldnt afford anything anyway due to the fact that he "cut her income"... Then a few weeks later she was all over him begging him to come and stay the night... He went for a couple of hours on Christmas morning. i hate the fact that she is doing this to him but it seems there is little we can do. She cant be reasoned with and she doesnt see that she's doing anything wrong.

Bloody hell.
Horrifying.
How unbeleivably damaging this must be to someone.

Thank God he has you. You sound lovely.

thank you moondog .

He's handling things pretty well, I think he thought things were finally getting better and now she's made it pretty clear to him how she feels. It's been a real blow to him (although he hasnt really spoken much about it but it's obvious). The thing is she keeps on at my DH saying that we are somehow deliberately trying to prevent them having a relationship - it would be laughable if it werent so very sad. In fact it's her that's preventing it but she cant see it herself.

Its bloody horrible and I think we are about to experience the same :(

My DSD rang her Dad on Tuesday late at night, sobbing and asking him to come and get her. Her relationship with her mum has been going downhill for sometime and it has exploded.

You do sound lovely, and I bet he is so happy to be out of such a dreadful home life.

Well, pinkbraces, I wish you well with your own situation! Good to talk it all through with your DH now and be prepared so it doesnt come as too much of a shock and you have some groundrules and preparations in place. We did and we were ready for it when it happened (as we knew it would). It has helped us through some moments like when my DH's ex came to our house demanding that we send DSS back to her (when she realised the money was about to stop, I suspect), and that she only expected him to stay away for a short time and she wanted us to make him "apologise" to her for his bad behaviour!! As you can imagine, that didnt happen. She thought we wouldnt want him to stick around and it has backfired on her.

Having a teenaged boy come and live with us has been pretty much life changing - I have no kids so we were just on our own apart from having both boys every other weekend and most of the holidays (as she wont take any time off to spend with them). DH and I both travel quite a bit with our jobs so there has been some shuffling and organising to do, but it has been brilliant to see him flourish both at school and socially, now that he has a stable life and lives with two adults who are fairly "normal"! He's actually a great kid. I feel sorry for her as I doubt their relationship will ever be rebuilt.

I hope it all works out well with your DSD. Good luck!

Thats awful. How old is dss?

just turned 15...

awww poor little chap. You sound like you are picking up the slack though, good for you.

Its so sad how so many kids are used as a meal ticket. The money that comes in to a house because of the children should be spent on the children so if the child no longer lives there, it shouldnt mean there is less money

I know. She has always seen the money as hers, not necessarily to spend on the children. Now she is beside herself as she realises there is nothing she can do - she still emails my DH every week saying she still expects him to be paying in full each month and that she is keeping a record of how much he owes her! Honestly.... and that he is "hurting" his other son who lives with her. She's been telling him (the other son) that his dad doesnt care about him any more and is withholding money to deliberately hurt them both. All a bit of a mess!

Sounds awful - I do wonder if your DSS will need counselling, he must on some level feel it's his fault. My DH had a dreadful mother and it took til his late 20's before he realised how toxic she had/still continues to be.

Thanks. Yes it's something we've been thinking of. He was self harming when he lived with her but that's stopped now, although he does start again if he sees her for a few hours or goes there for tea - he doesnt realise he's doing it.
I think he does see her for what she is but as you say, maybe on some level he feels her unhappiness is down to him (that's what she tells him all the time anyway... that she is unhappy because of the way HE is treating HER!). Amazing.... Thanks we'll definitely look into it.

Hi ladydeedy,

thanks for your words of wisdom :)

I have a 16 yr DD which means having another one full time is not to much of a shock, but its a very different situation when its not your own. Saying that my SD is lovely and we get on very well, I think its her mum we are going to have more problems with. The barrage of abuse to my DH has already started and it would take most of the morning if I outlined the verbal abuse my SD has received.

I dont even want to think about how we are going to tackle the money, she has already said it should remain the same, which of course it wont. We are going to leave it a month and let everything settle down and then sort out the financial arrangements. I think you will probably see the fall out from Mars :)

I hope your funeral goes ok

Hi pinkbraces. Well that would possibly be quite a nice situation then if you already have one DD and then have another to stay! But yes the abuse from the exw - I can certainly relate to that - we are still getting it and I fear it will never end!

That sounds like a very wise idea to wait for a short while and then get things finalised. We did same and didnt apply for CB until a few weeks had passed. once that was done then it all felt "official" as it means the exw acknowledges the situation at least. In the end DH went to get legal advice and they said basically, regardless what agreement you had (it wasnt via CSA but through solicitors) that as the circumstances have changed you can stop paying and if it were to go to court no-one would force you to pay maintenance to an exw for a child who no longer lives with her!

Good luck with everything and I will keep an eye open for the fall out from Mars!

Funeral coming soon - thank you for your kind words...